The Five Stages of Democratic Grief

By Will Durst, AlterNet. Posted December 11, 2004.

Sometimes I look at the Democratic Party and don't know whether to laugh or to cry. These guys are as useless as ice skates on an escalator. The one thing you do have to give them, is their rank as Grandmaster Hall of Fame residents in the competitive sport of world class whining. "Oh, woe is we. Those Republican no goodnicks stole our precious election. What will happen to the children?"

Shocked, they're SHOCKED by the corruption going on in this country. You lame weenie butts. Of course the Republicans stole the election. They got clean away with stealing it last time: what did you expect would happen this time? That they'd just sit back and let the big money chips fall where they may? "Oh, we big time corporate hustlers don't care to mess with the system with trillions of dollars in profits on the line. We'll just abide by the will of the people. That's the honorable thing to do." Hah. I say. I say it again. Hah. And then repeat: hah hah.

Either the Dems knew this was going to happen or they're stupider than I give them credit for, and I give them an immense credit for being stupid. So, giving them benefit of the doubt, I blame them for not stealing the election first. They'll probably think of trying it next time, (and dismiss it out of hand) but right now, they're much too busy progressing through the five stages of Democratic grief.

DENIAL: "Wait! Wait! Wait! It's not over. We're going to recount Ohio. And then you watch what happens. Conyers is on the case. He'll break through the blockade of deceit."

ANGER: "Screw Florida, screw all old people, screw the Christian Right and screw the damn kids. I hope Bush re-instates the draft. Does the term 'the Ukraine‚' have any meaning here?"

BARGAINING: "Where's Al Gore when we need him? Can't we go back to the halcyon days of the Gore Leiberman campaign and our cherished Social Security lockbox? Dear God, you can have Kerry, just let us have Hillary at full strength."

DEPRESSION: "3 Supreme Court Justices. Did you hear what I said? 3 Supreme Court Justices. Oh, and let's not forget Patriot Act II: this time its personal. I don't know if anyone has been paying attention, but we just got our butts kicked. Game over man."

ACCEPTANCE: "Well, I hope you're happy, because you know what? The economy is going to tank so deep Lou Dobbs is going to need a deep water submersible just to report on it, and to call Iraq a quagmire is like saying Scott Peterson might not receive a slew of Christmas party invites and someone's going to have to take the blame for all the crap coming down and hmmm, you know what, this could work out for us."

Will Durst definitely thinks this could work out for him, but he's a political comic.

Catch Will and Debi Durst at David Templeton's "Twisted Xmas" in Santa Rosa, CA Saturday night.

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