Listen Up, Mr. President

AlterNet. Posted September 24, 2004.

Editor’s Note: What if you had five minutes to tell George Bush whatever you wanted? What would you say? Janeane Garofalo has beef with Bush on everything. Montel Williams tells W. that he should show compassion and legalize medical marijuana to help deal with his multiple sclerosis. Minnie Driver explains to El Jefe that our trade rules with other countries are rigged. These celebrities and Morgan Fairchild — John Kerry’s old flame —take a stab at what they would say to the commander in chief. These are just four takes out of 55 from the book, “If You Had Five Minutes with the President” (Harper Collins, 2004). The book features short essays by various celebrities and personalities with an introduction by Ron Reagan. The wonderful thing is that their five minutes with George Bush sound as would any other person's living in America.

Janeane Garofalo’s Five Minutes

Hey, thanks for your time. I know you must be busy. I like to think so, anyway. So here’s my hit parade of hopes and dreams . . .

Media consolidation and deregulation is a big problem—if there’s an hour of right-wing commentary here’s the hour of left-wing commentary, or my five minutes, anyway: the deregulation that occurred in 1996 under Clinton has to be reexamined and subjected to new regulations so there aren’t so few owners across media markets. How about you swap your first state dinner for the First Annual End to Right-Wing Radio Talk Shows Barbecue! It’ll be great. Big turnout, big laughs, hard whiskey—and no pork. Nah. On second thought, the White House shouldn’t be sucking up to the media in any way! We have a hard enough time doing our job as it is. Try a few more press conferences, will ya?

I have a few items here to mention. When are you going to commit to a separation of church and state, especially now that we’ve been drawn into what the enemy is calling a “holy war,” when we should really be fighting for democracy—the democracy founded on the right to religious freedom, remember?

While you’re at it, can someone undo the Global Gag Rule? There is now such a rule, thanks to an executive order, which has the effect of endangering health care for women around the world because we disallow international support for organizations with reproductive rights and planned parenting on their agendas. A little shortsighted in a world that features way too much starvation. I know, there’s the Christian right to worry about. But see above: church and state, separation of.... You’re looking at your watch!

Revamp and refund the IRS to enable them to go after corporate criminals; let’s get the corporate welfare out of the tax code, too.

And let’s not forget the once crown jewel of our country – the public schools. Mr. President, I know education is a local issue, but isn’t it about time that we made funding for the public schools a priority? Our current system, which depends primarily on property taxes, is an absurd caste system, making for a have and have-not society, with poorer communities being brought low by a poor tax base. It eats away at the heart of their hope — kids’ education.

And do you know about the increasing privatization of our prisons? It has really gotten out of hand. Someone’s living high off that system. These companies are reaping exorbitant profits from taxpayer money. Do we really want our corrections to be handled by a private sector looking to fatten margins by getting a deal on toothpaste? The whole national prison system has to be—

What? You don’t have to show me the door, I know what one looks like. Hey, yeah, thanks for your time.... You’re really telling me to rest assured? Oh, I’m rested. Assured? Hardly.

Janeane Garafalo, stand-up comedienne and actress, received two Emmy nominations for her work on "The Larry Sanders Show." In 1999 she and Ben Stiller wrote "Feel This Book: An Essential Guide to Self-Empowerment, Spiritual Supremacy, and Sexual Satisfaction." Currently, Garofalo and Al Franken lend their voices, wit, and wisdom to Air America, the national liberal radio station that debuted in 2004.

Montel William’s Five Minutes

Mr. President: In the eyes of the public, I am an all-American tough guy, a former naval intelligence officer, a motivational speaker and a TV talk show host. I am beamed into the homes of millions of people around the globe each weekday. I urge individuals and family members to do better, to be better. But there is another side to my story.

For more than twenty years I have lived with a chronic, potentially debilitating disease called multiple sclerosis (MS). I have neuralgic pain in my feet and legs so severe that I have twice attempted suicide — the ultimate trauma to my kids and family, the ultimate sin against God. I have stayed awake for nights on end, rocked by violent spasms in my legs. Physicians have prescribed myriad painkillers and antispasmodic drugs — each more toxic than the next, each less effective than the other. I have taken Percocet, Vicodin, OxyContin, and a morphine drip, risking overdose to subdue the pain. Instead, I became spacey and dull. I could not function. Something had to give. Something did. I discovered medical marijuana, which is illegal everywhere in the country according to federal law, even though eight states have laws in effect that allow patients to use it without fear of arrest.

The foregoing is excerpted from "If You Had Five Minutes with the President" by Ron Reagan. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from HarperCollins Publishers, 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

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