Election 2014  
comments_image Comments

10 Big Surprises in Store For Tea Partiers Fleeing to Canada if Obama Wins

At least their Prime Minister will be white.
 
 
Share

If there's one thing that screams 'patriotism' and love of country, it's fleeing the United States when a Democrat wins an election.

Here are but a few examples of the hundreds, if not thousands of Tea Party types who totally swear they're moving to Canada if the Kenyan usurper and his Zombie ACORN thugs win this thing.

The election could go either way, but Nate Silver gives Obama a 73 percent chance of winning right now. If he pulls it off, we think these folks are in for some surprises when they arrive in the land of oak leaves and maple syrup – here are a few things that may come as a shock to their conservative sensibilities.

1. Canadians Don't Enjoy The Freedom to Work Their Asses Off and Be Poor

If there's one thing we cherish down here, it's liberty! And part of that liberty is the right, enshrined in our Constitution, to work ourselves like dogs and stay mired in poverty.

So, these good Real Americans are going to be shocked to find that (after December), the lowest minimum wage in Canada is $9.90. Jeez, our highest minimum is 9 bucks in Washington state, but for most of us it's $7.25.

Even worse, there are crazy people up North trying to pass a living wage of $13. Gah – the socialism!

2. That Means Everyone's Unemployed, Right?

We all know that raising the minimum wage brings about the econopocalypse -- if not monsters from deep beneath the earth.

So, these folks may be in for quite a shock when they discover that Canada's unemployment rate, when calculated the same way we do, is about 1.5 percentage points lower than ours.

3. Jean Poutine Isn't the Prime Minister

One of those rascally Canucks had some fun at the expense of George W. Bush, asking him on the campaign trail if he appreciated getting the endorsement of Prime Minister Jean Poutine.

It may come as a shock that poutine is a concoction of French fries, cheese curds and gravy. The first 5 bites are the best thing you'll ever put in your mouth, regardless of your culinary or sexual proclivities. Then, a moment later, it cools and congeals into a foul, gelatinous mush. Enjoy!

4. Canada Sucks at Projecting Power

Stephen Harper is the Prime Minister, and your average Tea Partier might at first be pleased to discover that he is white and an Evangelical Christian. But they may then be shocked to discover that he's kind of like George W. Bush … but with no army!

Ok, they do have a military. But they spend $25 billion a year on it, which is $15 billion less than we spend on the Department of Homeland Security. Hell, Brazil spends more on its military.

Plus they whined so much about 150 soldiers getting killed in Afghanistan – and only 5 by American fire! – that Harper decided to pull them out.

5. They Speak French!

Lots of them do, especially in Quebec. I mean, it's one thing to have lots of Meskins around, but those French Canadians insist on having French on everything. Blech.

 
See more stories tagged with: