The New 'New Heroin'

In case you missed it, cheese is the new morphine. At least that's what the head of the animal rights group (and oddly named) Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine reports.

At a November Congressional hearing designed to stir up hysteria over something Congress can't do much about (Internet porn), psychiatrist Jeffrey Satinover said, "Modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction."

Moreover, Satinover told Sen. Sam Brownback's committee, "Pornography really does, unlike other addictions, biologically cause direct release of the most perfect addictive substance," he said. "That is, it causes masturbation, which causes release of the naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can't do, in effect."

So it's worse than heroin.

Cultural busybodies have long known that in post-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs America, the best way for to win attention for a pet cause is to compare it to some scourge that already scares the bejesus out of America.

Dr. Satinover knows what veterans of the hysteria industry have known for some time – you can't go wrong with heroin.

During the 1980s and '90s, it was a little different. Then, a troubling new trend wasn't officially on the public radar until someone dubbed it "the new crack cocaine." In his book Saying Yes: In Defense of Drug Use, Jacob Sullum notes how methamphetamine got the "crack of the '90s" moniker by concerned government drug warriors and enthusiastic journalists. Ecstasy, speed, anti-depressants, and even household inhalants have all also been called "the new crack" at one time or another. Drug Czar John Walters recently pronounced Canadian hydroponic cannabis "the crack of marijuana."

On his Vice Squad weblog, University of Chicago Professor Jim Leitzel notes that a Google search finds experts declaring slot machines (The New York Times Magazine), video slots (the Canadian Press) and casinos (Madison Capital Times) the "crack cocaine of gambling," respectively. Leitzel's search also found that spam email is "the crack cocaine of advertising" (Sarasota, Fla. Herald Tribune), and that cybersex is a kind of sexual "spirtual crack cocaine" (Focus on the Family).

My personal favorite comes from British writer John Walsh, who last year unleashed the following fury in London's Independent (note: "quad bikes" are better known as all-terrain vehicles here in the U.S.):

Does it take a genius to spot that quad bikes are the new cocaine? Available at hideous expense (pounds 5,000-plus) to grown-up chaps with too much money, lots of rolling acres and a desire for chemical-free thrills, they're four-wheel, all-terrain death traps for the cocky, plastered and terminally unwary.

The above examples notwithstanding, heroin is still the analogical drug of choice for classifiers of public and private vice. When it comes to being the New Heroin, heroin, not surprisingly, remains the champ. A Lexis search for "the new heroin," brings back 74 returns over the last two years, compared to just seven for "the new crack cocaine." You might say that heroin "is the new crack cocaine" of overly enthusiastic drug war comparisons.

Some advocates use both drugs to make their point, lest there be any doubt about the seriousness of their cause. One gambling opponent told the Christian Science Monitor in 1988 that, "Gambling is a rush like heroin, [and] a big win in gambling creates the same feeling as a coke high." Anti-smoking author Roger Aveyar told the Dallas Morning News last May that giving up cigarettes "can be agonizing because cigarettes are so addictive – just like heroin, cocaine and crack."

The Morning News also reported in 1994 that of all things, caffeine "can produce addiction similar to that engendered by alcohol, tobacco, heroin and cocaine."