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10 Great Movies Hollywood Wants to Bastardize Into Crappy Sequels

Here are some old-time favorites that Hollywood is trying to exploit for more cash.

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4. Ghostbusters. Are you kidding me?! Classic ruiner Dan Akroyd (Dr. Raymond Stantz) has enlisted the help of Etan Cohen ( Men in Black III, Tropic Thunder) to write the threequel to the 1984 masterpiece. Ivan Reitman is directing this monstrosity, which allegedly will have a new generation of parapsychologist ghost hunters getting slimed. According to Sigourney Weaver, her character’s progeny Oscar Barrett (the troublesome baby in Ghostbusters II) would be part of said next generation while Bill Murray’s character, Dr. Peter Venkman, would return to the franchise as a ghost. However, this summer Bill Murray turned down the role due to the script not being as " darn funny" as the first one (atta boy). I, too,  would be pretty nervous about a third installment after the disappointment that was the sequel. The apex of the Ghostbusters experience had to be making out with Sigourney Weaver while covered in marshmallow, so why backslide? The mysterious new class of stream-crossers may even include a GIRL! Whoa! How progressive to incorporate a girl into your workforce in 2012 (probably just to create some romantic/sexual tension with one of the male leads). Lastly, although Ghostbuster II theme song, " On Our Own" by Bobby Brown is great, it can’t compete with the whimsical, catchy genius of Ray Parker Jr.’s " Ghostbusters" (“Bustin’ makes me feel good”). I cringe to imagine what the third movie would have in store for us, musically (or otherwise). Probably something by Flo-Rida. Let’s just move on.

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. First, let me assuage your rage by informing you that the release date for this blasphemous celluloid turd has been pushed back to May 16, 2014 (allegedly to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the first comic). Explosions enthusiast and flagophile Michael Bay is producing the new live-action film, for which he’s instituted some changes. Instead of earthly teenage turtles anthropomorphized by primordial ooze, the heroes in a half-shell will be adult aliens. Yeeeaaah. Expect no exclamations of “cowabunga” or myriad pizza references. After these major story edits, the new film is known simply as Ninja Turtles. "These turtles are from an alien race," Bay said at the Nickelodeon Upfronts in March. "And they're going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable." Jonathan Liebsman is onboard to direct this shitshow and Sean Astin ( Lord of the Rings franchise, Rudy, Goonies) has been cast as Raphael. While one creator, Kevin Eastman, who is lending a hand with the script, is quoted as saying “ They’ve really knocked it out of the park,” co-creator Peter Laird has described it as “so NOT a T eenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie” and fundamentally flawed. Incidentally, Nickelodeon has added a new animated TNMT show to its fall lineup, voiced by Jason Biggs and Mae Whitman, in which April O’Neil is a 16-year-old. This alteration seems forgivable, however, compared to the grand liberties Bay has taken with the Ninja Turtles’ story.

6. A Christmas Story. And direct-to-video comes another sequel to Jean Shepard’s perennial Christmas classic. The trailer, titled A Christmas Story 2: OFFICIAL Sequel, was released Thursday and it is painful. Is teenage Ralphie wearing a frosted rug? In this turn, Ralphie no longer pines for a Red Ryder BB gun, but his own own car and Daniel Stern plays the Old Man (Noooooooooo! Why Stern, why?!) Coming to your local crappy DVD purveyor on October 30, not even the holiday season. Apparently, there’s going to be a Broadway musical of A Christmas Story (replete with sexy leg lamp dancers) this winter, so if you absolutely must endure a sullied rendering, this is probably the better bet. Incredulous crybabies across the interwebs will do well to recall that this is not the first sequel to A Christmas Story; 1994's It Runs in the Family (known on DVD as My Summer Story) follows Ralphie (Kieran Culkin) as he attempts to redistribute power in the social hierarchy with dueling... tops (that’s right, tops) and something about the Old Man (Charles Grodin) finding the mecca of all fishing spots. I’m not sure what makes one sequel more “official” than the other. Jean Shepard narrates It Runs in the Family and wrote the screenplay (as opposed to the 2012 sequel), so that seems pretty “official” to me.

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