50 Suggestions for John McCain's VP

By Will Durst, AlterNet. Posted March 17, 2008.

A John McCain/Snoop Dog ticket? That I can get behind.

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1. WARREN BUFFET. World's richest man can't hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.

2. JAMES EARL JONES. The most trusted voice in show business.

3. DAN QUAYLE. Knows the drill.

4. ED MCMAHON. Knows the drill AND he knows the intro: "Here's Joohhhnyyyyyy."

5. RONALD REAGAN. Quit pussyfooting around. It's what the base wants. Who cares if he's dead? How much less animated is that from his second term?

6. JEB BUSH. Ups the Bush streak to seven of last eight GOP tickets.

7. JOE LIEBERMAN. Invests campaign with bipartisan spin. Also returns "Joementum" to national lexicon.

8. KAY BAILEY HUTCHISON. Takes "woman" thing out of play.

9. CINDY MCCAIN. Takes "woman" thing out of play, and keeps it in the family.

10. COLIN POWELL. Takes "black" thing out of play.

11. CONDOLEEZZA RICE. Takes "woman and black" things out of play.

12. GEORGE CLOONEY. Takes "woman" thing out of play.

13. JOAN RIVERS. Takes "old" thing out of play. "Woman" thing still in play. 14. LARRY KING. Takes "old" and "woman" things out of play.

15. ANDY ROONEY. Really takes "old" thing out of play. No, really.

16. ALAN GREENSPAN. Wasn't everything a whole lot better when he was in charge? And takes "old" thing out of play.

17. MARY CHENEY. Takes "lesbian" and "unwed mother" things out of play. 18. DICK CHENEY. What the hell. Something to be said for continuity.

19. FRED THOMPSON. Throws a bone to the conservative wing and makes candidate appear vibrant.

20. REGIS PHILBIN. A touch of Hollywood. Old Hollywood, but Hollywood nonetheless.

21. MIKE HUCKABEE. Plays popular former governor of Arkansas card.

22. RUDY GIULIANI. Sop to huge pro- choice, pro- gay rights, pro- gun control wing of the GOP. Not to mention NEW YORK.

23. HILLARY CLINTON. Wants it so bad, she'd cross the aisle for death- watch slot.

24. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG. Independents? You want independents? We got your independents right here.

25. MIA HAMM. Soccer Moms? You want soccer moms? We got your soccer moms right here.

26. DALE EARNHARDT JR. NASCAR dads? You want NASCAR dads? We got your NASCAR dads right here.

27. RON PAUL. Two words. Texas Dammit.

28. TOM CRUISE. Scientologists are to Republicans what vegans are to hippies.

29. ADMIRAL STOCKDALE. Because America loves second chances.

30. CHUCK NORRIS. Locks down Huckabee contingent and firms up "Total Kick Ass" presidential ticket.

31. ELIOT SPITZER Because America loves second chances.

32. THE VERIZON "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW" GUY. Brings huge network with him.

33. PAT ROBERTSON. You want to suck up to the Christian Right. Then suck up to the Christian Right.

34. MITT ROMNEY. Just to exploit the incredible chemistry between the two.

35. CHER. Campaign will never suffer from lack of wigs.

36. BRETT FAVRE. Terrific name recognition. Needs a job. Sews up Wisconsin and Mississippi.

37. JOHN MADDEN. Who doesn't love John Madden? Brings total telestrator dominance to ticket.

38. KEIFER SUTHERLAND. What right winger doesn't love Jack Bauer? Torture question becomes moot.

39. TED WILLIAMS' HEAD. Future focused. Travel costs slashed. Low maintenance.

40. RUSH LIMBAUGH. If you can't beat them, conjoin them.

41. WILLIE NELSON. You have any idea of what percentage of this country smokes pot?

42. SNOOP DOG. Puts the shasizzle back in the campaignizzle.

43. STEPHEN HAWKING. Not American born. But who would quibble with smartest man in the world?

44. DONALD TRUMP. Makes everyone look humanoid in comparison.

45. SONNY VON BULOW. Like Terry Shiavo, only alive. And rich.

46. KARL ROVE. Assassination insurance.

47. DONALD RUMSFELD. See Karl Rove.

48. NEWT GINGRICH. See Karl Rove.

49. JACK KEVORKIAN. Looking to enter politics and makes top of the ticket lovable and youthful and animated. Also, see Karl Rove.

50. G. GORDON LIDDY. Because there comes a time when every president needs a human firewall.

See more stories tagged with: vice-president, republicans, election 2008, john mccain

Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.

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"18. DICK CHENEY" [Report this comment] Posted by: goatini on Mar 17, 2008 12:13 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] don't laugh, Will... i'm beginning to wonder if this is their plan... [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: k_pr » RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: GrannyBgood Jebby's gotta have HIS turn! [Report this comment] Posted by: GrannyBgood on Mar 18, 2008 6:35 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] That way, he can do the Cheney thing, behind a Faceman, and finally One-up Faceman Chimpy..oh wait, that was what Romney was supposed to be! [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » RE: Jebby's gotta have HIS turn! Posted by: Afban Great Choices. [Report this comment] Posted by: Artkansas on Mar 18, 2008 9:52 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Jeb Bush is a very scary choice, and one that seems very likely. With McCain's age, quite possible that he might not survive his first term. Condoleeza Rice is another scary choice. Snoop Dogg. He'd be my choice, but Willie would make a lot of sense too. Cher, she might go for it. She missed being in Congress by divorcing Sonny and letting Mary Bono get the job. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] The right choice for VP [Report this comment] Posted by: willymack on Mar 18, 2008 10:44 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] After giving this matter the considerable thought it merits (at least 3 seconds), I came up with Daffy Duck. Just picture it; mcnut & Daffy, the perfect pair. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Mr. Durst....... [Report this comment] Posted by: blackie4aces on Mar 18, 2008 3:52 PM Current rating: 1 [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] You came up with some really funny shit here, man. I am reading this stuff at work and it's hard to keep the laughter down, which, of course, I'd better, because I am being paid to work and not to be reading crap like this while I am supposed to be working. You gonna' get me fired, man. That's okay. This week's check will at least come with some fond memories attached. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Hey, what about Richard Nixon? [Report this comment] Posted by: Rune on Mar 18, 2008 4:56 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] - Seems relatively moderate compared to McCain. - Could appeal to environmentalists and those concerned with Global Warming, as he signed some of the nation's most important environmental legislation into law. - Demonstrated ability to open doors in China, which will soon own much of the U.S. - Knows how to get out of Vietnam style quagmires in considerably less than 100 years. - Can be counted on to support all the dirty tricks the GOP uses to get elected. - Impressive and lasting name recognition. - Unlike Cheney, has his own underground bunker that requires no guards (important for lean budgets that lie ahead). - Helps to deflect criticism of McCain that he is too old. - One of the few Republicans who is not known to have been involved in a sex scandal, Iran-Contra, or any of the major financial scandals driven by deregulation since the Reagan administration. - His party has worked too hard to elect presidents that make him look good by comparison to pass up a chance to put him back in office. - Conservatives still love him (unlike McCain). [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] How about Paris Hilton, or Brittiny Spears? [Report this comment] Posted by: yale on Mar 18, 2008 7:00 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Its just what the republicans need, a blond ditz. All the attention will be diverted towards the tabloid stories of sex, drugs, and who might be bound for the loony bin, while the repugs drive whats left of our great nation into the ground. But not before they have their global yard sale of course. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] maybe a draft dodger [Report this comment] Posted by: davidg on Mar 18, 2008 7:39 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] still living in Canada. that would balance the ticket and the state department would be galvanized. Try Andy Berry the radio host for CBC in Toronto...smart guy, but actually not a draft dodger but a deserter. That would keep the press alive with non-issues. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Joe Liebermann [Report this comment] Posted by: Ivann on Mar 19, 2008 3:40 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Ever notice that he is perpetually standing behind McCain at public appearances? Now HE would be a scary choice, for real. The US's incorporation into the Israeli empire would finally be officially recognized. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » BENJAMIN NETANYAHU Posted by: smendler

» RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: k_pr

» RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: GrannyBgood

» RE: Jebby's gotta have HIS turn! Posted by: Afban

» BENJAMIN NETANYAHU Posted by: smendler

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» RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: k_pr

» RE: "18. DICK CHENEY" Posted by: GrannyBgood

» RE: Jebby's gotta have HIS turn! Posted by: Afban

» BENJAMIN NETANYAHU Posted by: smendler