You Gotta Love Cheney

By Will Durst, AlterNet. Posted May 21, 2007.

You've got to love Vice President Cheney. He made another unannounced visit to Iraq in his unofficial capacity as heavy schtarker foreign policy hit man for that Halliburton subsidy, the Bush White House.

"So, Mr Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, you're planning on letting the Iraqi Parliament go on vacation for two months while our troops keep on protecting your sorry asses. Well, perhaps a few minutes alone with the Enforcer will set you straight." (Cue Darth Vader theme.)

To me, the biggest shocker is he entered a battle zone under his own free will. Must have burned through all his deferments back in the 60s. Then again, maybe wars, just like kids, are different when they're your own. Yes they are! They're special. A gift from God. Landing at an undisclosed base near Baghdad, he descended the airplane steps wearing a flak jacket under his suit coat which seems to indicate his bullet repelling powers are diminishing.

But his powers of polarization remain intact. When Hugo Chavez called President Bush the devil at the UN, he was way out of line. Everybody knows Bush isn't the devil. Cheney is. Bush is just his little helper monkey. I can prove Cheney is the devil. Who else but the devil could shoot a guy in the face with a gun and get the victim to apologize? "I wish to beg forgiveness for placing my bulbous head between the gun and the bird thereby ruining the shot of my dark lord. I must now slither away to remove the scuff marks from his cloven hooves."

I got to say, there is something about Dick Cheney that I admire. His single mindedness for instance. The man will say or do whatever it takes to get what he wants. Probably explains why he's so dismissive of Democrats. He legitimately does not understand them. He will do anything: lie, cheat, steal, eat bugs, sell out his daughter; whatever he deems necessary to achieve his goal.

While with Democrats, its often a struggle to get them to actually take their own side in an argument. "Well, that's true ... but then again, my point is valid too. Oh for crum's sake, you're probably right." With the Vice President, there's no artifice. I'm not saying he doesn't lie. He does. Often. Without regard to any facts. He just doesn't give a good rat's ass if you know he's lying.

Besides, who else can look evil wearing a short sleeved shirt? Who else can get laughs by drinking a glass of water while George Bush talks? Who else could sell the country on the concept of compassionate torture? He's a shark with glasses. Which might be the basis of his heart problems.

His native species is not totally familiar with the function of that particular organ. What's he have, a cardiovascular event every three weeks? Got a pacemaker the size of a garage door opener. And I'm going to miss him when he leaves the public eye in 20 months. Too bad he can't run for President, but the Secret Service would never abide a Chief Executive susceptible to assassination by microwave oven.

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Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.

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