Christmas Shopping 2006: The Way Forward

By Arianna Huffington, AlterNet. Posted December 21, 2006.

The annual list of presents for favorite -- and not so favorite -- public figures.

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The president may be sleeping better than people would assume, but I'm not: I've been laying awake at night obsessing over my Christmas gift list.

There are only a few days left and the long, hard shopping slog is deteriorating into buying chaos.

Things have gotten so bad I'm thinking of withdrawing from the whole holiday gift-giving quagmire by Christmas '07, but, following the president's reasoning, I've decided to add a temporary surge of names to my list in the hope that I may be able to achieve holiday peace through escalation.

I may not win the war on Christmas-fatigue, but at least I'm not losing.

Here then is my beefed up annual list of presents for my favorite -- and not so favorite -- public figures.

Vladimir Putin: A polonium-210 fruitcake (no re-gifting, Pootie-Poot!).

Lindsay Lohan: An adequite spell-check program for her BlackBerry.

Ted Haggard: The name of a licensed masseur. A copy of "Believable Explanations for Dummies."

Mark Foley: A set of super-absorbent towels and a new screen name (RepPerv69).

Sen. Tim Johnson: A full and speedy recovery.

George Bush: A "surge" of sanity. (Though, no doubt, it will be returned).

Laura Bush: A sight-seeing tour of Iraq, since she's convinced we're not getting an accurate picture of Iraq from the media.

Hugo Chavez: A can of "Devil Away" air freshener, for those hard to eliminate sulfurous smells.

Noam Chomsky's publisher: More Hugo Chavez speeches at the U.N.

Heather Poe (Mary Cheney's girlfriend): Continued good health for Mary, since, due to the efforts of activists from Mary's Dad's political party, Heather will have no parenting rights over their forthcoming child under Virginia law.

George Allen: Something to wear while he decides what to do with all his free time: a pair of nice, warm macacasins.

Britney Spears: Private parts that remain private. A new dresser to hold all the pairs of underwear she'll be getting from every other gag present-giver.

Tom Tancredo: A 700-mile fence around his xenophobia and demagoguery.

Jim Webb: One clean punch.

The people of New Orleans: New Orleans.

Mel Gibson: "The Big Book of Anti-Semitic Slurs in Dead Languages" (bonus stocking stuffer: a pair of actual sugar tits).

Al Gore: A new mantle to hold his Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth.

John McCain: A case of Pepto-Bismol, to make swallowing all those maverick independent "principles" a little easier on the tummy.

Condoleezza Rice: A dustpan and broom to sweep up what's left of her reputation.

Tony Snow: A second microphone, for when he talks out of both sides of his mouth. (Q: how can you tell he's doing that? A: his lips are moving).

Mahmoud Ahamdinejad: The Diary of Anne Frank and DVDs of Schindler's List, Shoah, and The Pianist.

Donald Rumsfeld: Nothing. I'm out of gifts. And, as Rummy knows, you go to Christmas with the presents you have, not the presents you want.

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clinker [Report this comment] Posted by: cottontail on Dec 22, 2006 9:39 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] for Dubya: a lobotomy (or a padded cell) for Condi: a bottle of truth serum for George H.W.Bush: a lot of sympathy for Cheney: Army enlistment forms for his soon to be grandson. With Cheney's influence he could be made a General on his first birthday. for Rummy: the obscurity he so richly deserves [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] insanity [Report this comment] Posted by: rsaxto on Dec 23, 2006 2:10 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] for Condi: extended trips to a shrink to abolish the insanity she caught from having sex with Bush [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] For Bush & Co: [Report this comment] Posted by: xbj on Dec 23, 2006 4:51 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] His very own nuke, which he himself can set off in the Oval Office on Christmas Day, with the Cheney's, Rumsfeld's, and Rice's and CEO's of all defense contractors all opening up their presents underneath the Christmas tree, each receiving more of the same, going nuclear in a wonderful chain reaction that would scarcely drown out the choirs of heavenly angels singing. And Congress and everyone else in DC and downwind safely far, far away with their families for Christmas. Ooops, sorry... more so than for those mentioned, that really would be a Christmas present for the rest of the planet, wouldn't it? Indeed, for the entire universe. Peace on earth, goodwill toward men, and toward one another. Merry Christmas. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » RE: For Bush & Co: Posted by: xbj Don't Forget Cheney & Rove! [Report this comment] Posted by: Spyder on Dec 23, 2006 3:05 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] George Bush: Enough brush-clearing tools to keep him busy on his Crawford ranch for a couple of years Dick Cheney: A gift certificate for a free hunting trip for two and plenty of ammo. His buddy Karl Rove would like to go! Britney Spears: Crotchless panties for those nights on the town. Tom Tancredo: An apology because he's right about this issue. Suck The Boob [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Nothing [Report this comment] Posted by: fifthworld on Dec 24, 2006 9:02 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Stop shopping [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » Or, one to hand to all your reps./Sen's Posted by: fifthworld » RE: Nothing Posted by: symcokid CFR, TRILATERAL COMMISSION, BIDERBERGS, ROCKERFELLER,VATICAN [Report this comment] Posted by: mite on Dec 24, 2006 9:16 AM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Once again Arianna Huffington you avoid our masters on your XMAS list. But that is understandable your focus is making money so you can buy gifts for the puppets of your list. Secrecy is the most precious gift for our masters. Their control of their media-press and you will add value everyday to their agenda. But Arianna your time will come when the Internet is gone and some foreigner accross the ocean is doing your job. Don't worry I'll give you a little something when were both sitting in the concentration campers of the New America `North American Union'. www.cfr.org www.spp.gov www.worldnetdaily.com www.devvy.com [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Makin' a list, checkin' it twice. . . [Report this comment] Posted by: monkeywrench on Dec 24, 2006 1:29 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] A lobotomy for Bush? Too late. . . Elocution lessons? Worthless. . . Intelligence? Can't fill a bucket with a hole in it. (Gosh! Arrogant morons are sooo hard to buy for!) For Laura Bush: contact lenses that aren't rose-colored. For Britney Spears: a chastity belt (too late. . .), or "tidy whities" and a tube of superglue. For Donald Rumsfeld: a framed picture of his "separated at birth" twin, Robert McNamara and an orange jumpsuit with a phrase starting with "Federal" stenciled on the back. For Condoleeza Rice: a hand mirror, so, when she and Georgie are together, she can see what evil looks like. For Tony Snow: surgery to split his tongue. For Dick Cheney: an enema. . . a REALLY BIG enema. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » More for Cheney Posted by: fifthworld While we're at it [Report this comment] Posted by: fifthworld on Dec 24, 2006 5:39 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] New Year's Revolution: May everything continue to fall apart. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » RE: While we're at it Posted by: crusty » Doom? No, Shiva, Shiva, Shiva; Necessity Posted by: fifthworld Thank you for making me smile today. [Report this comment] Posted by: Xanzyl on Dec 24, 2006 11:56 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] stands and applauds [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Senator John STILL LOST IN CAMBODIA Kerry responds... [Report this comment] Posted by: cheneybush2008 on Dec 26, 2006 5:21 PM Current rating: Not yet rated [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] My fellow Armenians, I am troubled, seriously and effeminately troubled, by the ongoing yet circumspect CBS memo fashion in which we appear to seem to perhaps to allege for about 4 months give or take plus medivac comp time that beyond a quickie Cambodian abortion mud hut shadow of a doubt, heretofore and forthwith, with appropriate President Peanut resolution and re-consideration of any overriding legal authority not stuffed in associated tube socks, in as much as I must impress upon France and all the other three nations that I call home, with vichy and just ski wax for all, but not in any way to demean or demand or demolay the point, for without a confident air of SUV transmission for the sake of private Idaho puppies and many other local animals, to have and to hold, for richer or even richer, and with sparkling North Korean fan fare if not more so the systematic and uncomfortable omen of Clintoid cop secrecy and fine wine, we must, truly must abridge any notion and eventual support for the complete global test and full hearing of matters before us as beloved Boston Blue Caps fanatics, and that no man should look asunder under Allah with lib sheep and butt wipes for all... [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]

» RE: For Bush & Co: Posted by: xbj

» Or, one to hand to all your reps./Sen's Posted by: fifthworld

» RE: Nothing Posted by: symcokid

» More for Cheney Posted by: fifthworld

» RE: While we're at it Posted by: crusty

» Doom? No, Shiva, Shiva, Shiva; Necessity Posted by: fifthworld