The 2005 State of the Union Address Drinking Game

By Will Durst, AlterNet. Posted February 2, 2005.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

* Four taxpayers: including 1 white guy wearing a suit, 2 people wearing normal clothes (one wearing a blue shirt, the other in a red shirt) and 1 dressed as an old person. (Note: shawls are nice)

* A shot glass per person. Everybody brings one, group them on table. White guy in suit gets first choice, red shirt picks second and blue shirt gets third choice.

* Bowl each of guacamole and chips.

* 5 bucks. Everybody antes.

* Much beer. Senior citizen gets cheapest crap you can find, like Old Milwaukee Lite; white guy in suit drinks import of choice and everyone else chips in to buy it; the other two fight it out over Bud and Miller Lite.

RULES OF THE GAME:

1. Whenever President Bush uses the words: “tax relief,” “mandate” or “bipartisan,” drink a shot of beer.

2. Whenever George W. mispronounces “Allawi,” “nuclear” or “terrorism,” last person to knock on wood drinks two shots of beer.

3. If he mispronounces “Shiite”: first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking three shots.

4. If the President says the word “Texas,” last person to give the longhorn sign and yell “Yeehah!” has to drink two shots of beer.

5. Whenever George W. talks about saving Social Security, senior citizen takes a shot of beer. First time the president uses the word “personalization,” take two shots. Add another shot for each additional “personalization.”

6. If Vice President Dick Cheney is caught napping on camera, white guy in suit has to drink a whole beer.

7. Whenever George W. Bush talks about the evils of abortion or the sanctity of marriage, last person to fall to their knees drinks two shots of beer.

8. Whenever George W. mentions the liberty or freedom of the Iraqi people, stand up, salute with your right hand and drink a shot of beer with your left hand. If he’s talking about the liberty or freedom of the American people, stand up, salute with your left hand and drink a shot of beer with your right hand. First person to mess up has to drink two more shots. White guy in suit is exempt from mistakes.

9. The first time George Bush uses the phrases “activist judges,” and “trial lawyers,” first person to stand up and yell, “I’m out of order? You’re out of order!” is exempt from having to drink three shots of beer.

10. If only half of televised audience gives George W. a standing ovation, red shirt and white guy in suit have to drink shots of beer for duration of applause. If either Teddy Kennedy, Hillary Clinton or John Kerry are shown not standing, blue shirt and senior citizen take over till Bush resumes speaking. Double time if senators are not applauding.

11. If George W. Bush mentions “Halliburton,” “exit strategy,” or his inability to find weapons of mass destruction or Osama bin Laden, white guy in suit has to drink a shot of everybody else’s beer out of their shot glass, and they get to wipe their glass clean on his jacket.

12. Whenever George W. mentions the phrase “prescription drug plan,” take a shot of beer. The first time this happens, last person to finish has to drink two more shots of beer and take out the trash during the Democratic Response. White guy in suit and red shirt need not recycle.

EXTRAS:

1. EVERYBODY gets to kick the crap out of white guy in suit for 15 seconds, only if Karl Rov’s transmission link breaks and Bush begins to mumble excerpts from Hugo Weaving’s soliloquy on how humans smell in the first Matrix.

2. White guy in suit gets to kick the old person if George W. uses a heartfelt story of a senior citizen’s grace under pressure to illustrate a point. Twice if cat food is mentioned. The elder gets 15 seconds to kick white guy in suit only if Bush reveals the anecdotal senior is in the audience AND sitting next to an astronaut. Thirty seconds if the adjacent seat holds a member of the Bush family. 1 full minute if its Jenna.

3. Remaining guacamole goes home with senior citizen who also gets to keep Tupperware container.

4. White guy in suit wins pot.

Political comic Will Durst will be playing this game with friends. Needs a red shirt.

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