Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
History: C -- Confused Ancient History with Modern History.
Attidue: S -- Works well with others. Little Jimmy Jeffords excepted. $300 per person buyoff didn't hurt.
Posted on Jul 3, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Globalization affect me because: 1. I can't pronounce my car. 2. I bought a cell phone with an international plan. 3. My third grader can make bail for me in six languages.
Posted on Jun 26, 2001, Source: AlterNet
George W. Bush is on his way to Europe. Fortunately, the Republicans have prepared a book to brief him.
Posted on Jun 12, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The best part of Celine Dion signing a five year deal to sing in Vegas is the rest of the world is now a 60 month Celine free zone. Wonder if we can arrange for John Tesh to receive the same deal.
Posted on Jun 5, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The Problem: Spy plane secrets stolen by China.
The Brightside: Maybe they'll go bankrupt after paying $600 for hammers and $2000 for toilet seats.
Posted on May 29, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The future depends on you.
Posted on May 22, 2001, Source: AlterNet
What They Say: We provide the best and most economical service possible to our valued energy consumers. What They Mean: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Cha ching! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Posted on May 8, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Political comic Will Durst dissects the statements, and state of mind, of some of America's public figures, and considers the effect on our national psyche of the absence of someone to hate.
Posted on Apr 26, 2001, Source: deleted
Q. So the Shrub has been President for approximately 100 days and the consensus is ...?
A. Excepting his frequent dips into the tar pit of toxic love, he isn't regarded to have done too badly.
Posted on Apr 24, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Bush wants Mexico to build more power plants and sell the U.S. some power. And why not use Mexico as a basement corner where we can hide our unsightly pipes and wires? We already treat it like a subhemispheric temp agency.
Posted on Mar 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The only thing sadder than the current crop of Democrats crawling on their bellies like spine-damaged weasel toads mewing for total strangers to spoon feed them milk in the dark, is Thai food in Arkansas. But let's look on the brightside ...
Posted on Mar 13, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Q. Shouldn't America be concerned that Mark Rich traded with the enemy?
A. You mean as opposed to Ronald Reagan, the PRESIDENT who traded with the enemy?
Posted on Feb 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Business is commonly conducted between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm. But if you're actually serious about getting a deal done, avoid early mornings, the hours immediately following lunch, Mondays and Fridays. Best results can be achieved Tuesdays through Thursdays between 10:00 am and noon.
Posted on Feb 13, 2001, Source: AlterNet
"Hello, you have reached the office of the President of the United States. Please leave a message at the beep and Dick Cheney will return your call at his earliest convenience..."
Posted on Jan 30, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Tips for Conserving Calfornia's Energy:
* Hook up an exercising bicycle to the TV. Then, whoever wants to watch a particular program has to provide the power. This could work with the VCR, microwave and hair dryer as well.
Posted on Jan 16, 2001, Source: AlterNet
* The Airline Industry makes every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: the second carry on bag.
* George W further attests he will bow to Dad's pressure by having the hole in his butt enlarged to accommodate Dick Cheney's hand.
Posted on Jan 9, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Usually George writes the annual holiday letter, but with all those resumes piling up on his desk (and a few FBI files too... just kidding!) he asked if I'd do it.
Posted on Dec 19, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Comfort food is the stuff you need to eat to feel better. The universal quintessence is chicken noodle soup. Certified by nanas of umpteen ancient cultures to contain mystical curative properties.
Posted on Dec 19, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The amazing thing is a month later and we still don't know whether to order donkey or elephant frosting for the Inaugural Ball cakes.
Posted on Dec 12, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Winner: Supreme Court. Aaron Spelling rumored preparing hot new series on Fox: "Beneath the Robes" starring Darva Conger as Sandra Day O'Connor, Jude Law as David Souter and Delroy Lindo as Clarence Thomas.
Posted on Dec 5, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"We stole this election fair and square, and if the shoe were on the other foot, we'd just pack up and go home like good little boys and girls."
Posted on Nov 28, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"What I don't get is why the vote counting deadlines always have to happen at five pm? Isn't there anybody in the state able to authorize overtime?"
Posted on Nov 14, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Not New York, New York, that's all I ask. Grapefruit spoons in my eyes, leaded paint chips under my fingernails, but not Mets versus Yankees.
Posted on Oct 17, 2000, Source: AlterNet
A brief excerpt from "Dear Mr. Cheney," a column of Dick's trademark kinder, gentler advice.
Posted on Oct 10, 2000, Source: AlterNet
So the deal is, there's less than two months left before the presidential election. That's the good news. The bad news is one of these squeeze bags is going to win.
Posted on Sep 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
If your idea of getting away from it all is leaning your head against the carpeting on the side of your cubicle while on hold, you might be working too hard. Take Durst's test to find out.
Posted on Sep 18, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Just when you thought it was safe to settle down with a tub of fried chicken the size of a sofa bed to watch the Olympics, now comes a sudden wave of the Bushqualms. According to one of the "a--holes" at the New York Times, high level supporters are worried Dubyah has recently seemed either "defensive, bumbling, weary, detached or peevish."
Posted on Sep 12, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Why do 3rd party candidates actually spend the time and money and energy to run? Consider this: an Ebola Virus laden buffet at the Presidential debates at St. Louis University attended by both halves of the Republican and Democratic tickets. Could mean a fight to the finish between Nader and Buchanan.
Posted on Aug 23, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The competition between Democratic and Repbulican nominating conventions is a lot like a baseball game, in which the party in power is the home team.
Posted on Aug 15, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Maybe we've become too cynical. Maybe we're concentrating on the too too slight differences between the candidates and not enough on the similarities that make them leaders among men, and sons among Senators."
Posted on Aug 8, 2000, Source: AlterNet
*When you see two guys in a stall together, they're exchanging stock tips.
*Odds that women have shaved their legs is very high.
Posted on Aug 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
See Dick quibble about voting against releasing Nelson Mandela from prison. Or the ERA. Or cop-killing bullets ...
Posted on Jul 31, 2000, Source: WorkingForChange.com
* "How To Speak Texican" airport book to figure out what the hell George W's Texas Ranger security detail is saying.
* Scaffolding in case I get conscripted to groom Ted Koppel's hair.
Posted on Jul 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet
So how the hell does this work? Dick Cheney heads up George W Bush's search for a running mate and guess what? The final choice is Dick Cheney. What are the odds?
Posted on Jul 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet
They're spraying the streets of the Midwest with out of control hoses to celebrate the price of gas dropping thirty four cents a gallon since the Feds announced they're going to investigate who or what is responsible for the rapid ascent in gas prices.
Posted on Jul 18, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The papers called reaction to Bush's speech to the NAACP Convention "luke warm," the same way they'd refer to the appearance of a volcano in the middle of pre school playground as "inconvenient."
Posted on Jul 18, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Why do I keep imagining a remake of the Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Janet Reno as Mickey Mouse and Microsoft as the broom?
Posted on Jul 4, 2000, Source: AlterNet
If there's one thing we baby boomers have seamlessly integrated into our generational personality, its drugs.
Posted on Jun 27, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It ain't easy being Green, but its a whole lot easier being a talking frog than it's going to be as Presidential nominee of the Green Party. As Ralph Nader is about to find out."
Posted on Jun 27, 2000, Source: AlterNet
This year PBS held its annual national convention at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. Does this make the teensiest bit of sense to anybody?
Posted on Jun 20, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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