Columnist: Will Durst

Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.

DURST: $4 Billion of Fancy Placebos

"Estimates say that 25 to 40 percent of bottled water is just repackaged municipal tap water. 'Pure as an alpine spring,' as long as you understand that spring might be runoff from a toxic waste dump laced with arsenic."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Master of the Slice

"There are a few things you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear in this year's Masters tourney. Like, 'Look at this consistency: 7... 7... 7...'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Frequently Asked Questions About The Kosovo Bombing

Q. What does NATO call the bombing?
A. Humanitarian Intervention, which makes it sound like a bunch of us are going over to his house to try and convince him to quit hanging out at bars during the day.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: More FAQs About the Kosovo Bombing

Q. Why were all western journalists ordered out of Yugoslavia?
A. To the mind not conditioned through a lifetime of freedom of the press, journalists are considered ravenous out of control carrion eating parasites who will shamelessly pervert the truth for the sake of building readers.
Q. Just like over here, hunh?
A. Pretty much, yeah.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Awards Season

"We've recently had the Oscars, the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are coming up and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: More Comic Awards

"Who gets this year's "You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This" award? Ross Perot for saying Clinton should resign because he's unstable."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: What Rights?

"It's time for us to weigh in with our own Passengers Bill of Rights ... like the right to a no infant section, movie screens larger than a postcard, and seats for people larger than pygmy supermodels."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Icepicked in the Back

"The former spokesmurf, George Stephanopoulos, claims to be shocked to find out Bill was a big liar. Considering George was in Presidential politics, this sounds like the guy who cleans elephant cages professing to be confused by the amount of manure he has to work with."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Tripp-ed Up

"The most hated woman in America, Linda Tripp, got a new job as a public affairs specialist. Did you get that? Public affairs specialist!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: A Brave Declaration

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor would like to thank everyone for their strong indication of either boredom or support in showing up here today. I know you're anticipating an announcement and I'm happy to say your expectation may or may not be realized."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Sue Their Arses

"Our elected officials have discovered the joys of milking the cash cow of suing people responsible for our vices. The beauty of it, is in the choice of plaintiffs. Which is to say the egg sucking dogs of corporato land."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Late Nights with Dad

"My parents are coming out to visit next month, and they're going to stay with me. Sure they're set in their ways, but they're just going to have to abide by a few simple changes of routine ..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: The Otz

"Oh Lawdy Lawdy Lawdy, like we don't have enough in the world to worry about, the USA Today just declared a 'What Do We Call The Next Decade?' emergency."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: You Can't Make Stuff Up Like This

"Disney recalled video cassettes of 'The Rescuers' because it contained two frames showing naked breasts. It will be repackaged and re-released at a higher price."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Winners, Losers and Bigger Losers

"Let's talk about the winners and losers of this whole tawdry impeachment affair... and then put it aside and not talk about it for the rest of the millenium."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: The Shameless Sixties

Durst writes: "Kids today obviously don't understand why we old fart baby boomers keep droning on and on about how the 60s were so much better. But we changed the world, nipple-ring-boy, and don't you forget it."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Cashing In

Durst writes: "What burns my toast about the Trial of the Century is it's a perfect chance for our government to finally recoup some cash and we're doing nothing. Where's the merchandizing? Why isn't every little girl in America whining for a Blue Dress Barbie?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Swashbuckling Justice

Durst writes: "Am I the only who thinks it odd that nobody said anything to Chief Justice Rehnquist when he showed up with the four gold stripes on the arms of his robes?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: If At First You Don't Succeed...

Durst writes: "Wow, a President lied. What's that make, 42 in a row? The streak is unbroken."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Dan Quayle's Steel Trap

Dan Quayle is running for President -- this shifts the focus of late night talk show hosts from the groin of the President and the sleeves of the Chief Justice to the mind of the former Vice President. Which is as unlike a steel trap as Fort Lauderdale is a ski resort.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet

DURST: Closed Doors

The Senate voted to discuss their opinions on dismissing the impeachment case behind closed doors. Of course as we all know, Senate rule 29 makes it an expulsionary offense to reveal what was said when the big boys and girls of Congress let their hair down. After a couple of discreet cash transactions, we are proud to be able to reveal exactly what was said without fear of expulsion since we aren't a big time Senator.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet