Christian Group Says Demon Sex Makes You Gay
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The reigning scientific consensus on sexual orientation is that it's an inherited, biological trait, but that's just because scientists don't know how to party. A far sexier explanation has been offered up by Christian magazine Charisma, which conducted its own investigation into the origins of homosexuality to reveal the real culprit: sex with demons.
"Can demons engage in sexual behaviors with humans?" the magazine asks. Why yes, they can! At least according to the article's primary source, a former stripper-turned-ministry leader named Contessa Adams. Adams shares her decades-long struggle with demon sex, sparing no horrible, sexy detail:
These spiritual rapists, as Adams describes them in her book, Consequences, often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams. Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.
"Anybody that has been attacked by them will tell you ... they're worried [that] they could not find that pleasure with mortal people," says Adams, who claims she was once possessed by sexual demons.
The two most identifiable sexual demons are the incubus, which is a male sexual demon that traditionally assaults women, and the succubus, which is a female sexual demon that assaults men. Sometimes they also lure people into homosexual behavior.
Adams says the succubus spirit that used to attack her confused her so much that she contemplated becoming a lesbian.
Then God came along and ruined everything, I mean saved her, putting her on the path to righteousness and helping others who are (naked) wrestling with their own sex demons.
But demons aren't just about getting laid. They're wreaking havoc all over the place, in addition to the mischief they've wrought on confused Christian genitalia.
The primary demon fighter in the modern Christian world is the New Apostolic Reformation (NAR), a global network of Charismatic Christian ministries devoted to Dominionism, the idea that they must take over public institutions in order to save America and the world from ... demons (and gays, of course). NAR is ridiculous, but that doesn't mean it isn't powerful, with millions of followers worldwide and domestic and international political relationships ranging from Senator Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee and Newt Gingrich to heads of state in Uganda.
Bruce Wilson, who's reported on the movement for years, tells Alternet, "for the apostles and prophets of the New Apostolic Reformation, demon powers, and also divine curses -- incurred by human unfaithfulness to God's plan, are at the root of virtually any and all conceivable misfortunes, from crime trends, drops in the stock market, and declining SAT scores, to headaches and dandruff. I mean that literally."
The movement broke into mainstream political coverage a few times in recent years: once, when reporters obtained footage of a bizarre ceremony involving Sarah Palin, and also during the interminable Republican primary when Rick Perry, long-rumored to have wrestled a few sexy gay demons himself, hosted a massive prayer rally organized by two NAR ministries.
NPR reported at the time that the Perry rally was modeled on the prayer events of the Call, a NAR group founded by apostle Lou Engle. As Rachel Tabachnik, who's done extensive reporting on NAR, told NPR, "The apostles teach what's called 'strategic level spiritual warfare' [because they believe that the] reason why there is sin and corruption and poverty on the Earth is because the Earth is controlled by a hierarchy of demons under the authority of Satan."
Here are just a few places you might encounter Satan's minions.
The last thing Detroit needs is a large-scale demon invasion. Fortunately, all the people of Detroit had to do to beat back the forces of hell was join the New Apostolic Reformation movement's giant prayer-a-thon.