Sarah Palin's Presidential Acceptance Speech (Part One)

Posted by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, Brave New Films at 3:50 PM on October 9, 2008.

Well, hello there! As many of you know, my name is Sarah Palin, and just so excited to be here in Washington City t’day, because it’s all about job-creation and health care and stuff and also, as you know, and so many good things. Just real good, real American things.

But the real reason I’m here t’day, as the American people know, is that something wonderful happened last night -- now hold on there, you guys, just wait a minute, I’m gettin’ to it, I’m getting’ to it, hold yer little horses. Something wonderful happened last night that was God’s will and that’s why it’s wonderful and yes I know it’s kinda sad at the same time so don’t you start believin’ what those liberals are sayin’ when they say I’m, oh I don’t know what they’re sayin’, whatever it is, that I’m not compassionate because also you know what, America? There are feelings here. I am.

When President McCain passed away because of that thing in his jaw, you know that goiter kinda thing that made him look like a hamster storin’ food for the winter? Well, as you know his doctors said it popped inside his head like a big inside pimple, and it was sad for all of us who loved the little rascal even if he was kinda liberal about some stuff but we don’t have to talk about that now, but you know what? God works in mysterious ways, my friends. (Laughs.)

Oh, it’s the craziest thing, but I just like to tease him. Or I did, before he and I, you know I was meanin’ to tell you guys, me and John we talked for a while right before he died and he was just standin’ there eatin’ the homemade Tollhouse cookies I made for ‘im, and I was sittin’ in the President’s chair because that’s what he said, he said “Sarah,” -- and you know I always wanted him to call me that -- “Sarah,” he said, “God came to me in a dream and he said Sarah she’d look real good in that chair, Johnny.” Let’s all take a moment of silence for John because even though he was real short he was a really good man who believed in God and God rewarded him for it by tellin’ him I’d look really awesome in the round office over there in that chair.

Now, as I’ve said before and that’s when certain little girl reporters took it all out of concept and everything, you know, and that’s that I also read newspaper and stuff like that all of them whatever, you know, the one you put in front of me. But today I watched the TV because Todd and me, we were thinkin’ about all the people we want to replace some of those other people on the news like that one girl reporter I was talkin’ about, good American people that we know from way back when out in Wasilla and some other places people, you know, that we think would just do a real good patriotic job of tellin’ it to the American people the way the good people of this great country want t’hear it which is positive. We just really believe in positive change and that’s the greatest thing is bein’ positive and makin’ people feel real good and proud of their selves.

But you know what I saw? And this tells ya just how far we have t’go but I was so disappointed cuz I saw that there were people in certain places and I don’t think I have to tell you where that place is because it starts with a C and ends in fornia, which sounds an awful lot like fornication and there’s a reason for that because God, he does everything also for a reason and I know that when God made California it was so that he could put all the crazy people in one place and then when the time has come like now for a real good American president to come along and make sure everybody is doin’ things you know the positive way and the right way, then it’s just gonna be s’doggone much more easier to find everybody we are hopin’ t’find because they tend to go places like that and New York.

But what I was hopin’ t’say t’those people out there is real plain and simple. I’d say to ‘em, dudes, just chill out a second there. Don’t get your panties in a knot, I’d say that to all the men out there in San Francisco, dontcha know, and I’d say nothin’s changed. So you can stop burnin’ your little trash cans and breakin’ all those windows. And you know what? (Wink!) Yer gonna have to stop actin’ like children because if you don’t, well, we got some special extra special patriotic men in uniform who’re real excited to get over there are help you start to see things positive like the rest of America which is the greatest freeest land in the whole world and that’s especially neat when you think about how we’re right next door to Afghanistan.

So here’s whatcha need to know about a Palin presidency. Liberals like to say we’re failin’ women, but you know and I know that the truth is, we’re Palin women. And nothing’s gonna change so you can stop being afraid because God is light and truth and if you just trust in me and him, well we’re planning to work real close together to get you all where ya need t’be.

So you’ll be happy to know we still have freedom of choice for women and I’ll show ya what I mean. Todd, hand me those props, babe. Thanks! Hey, how ‘bout it? Let’s hear it for America’s first dude! [Waits for applause to die down, holds up two items.] So. Ya got yer cloth diapers, and ya got yer disposables. Now, all those liberal elites, with their fancy talk and their mossy old degrees, they’d like to see all of ya stop using the disposable kind because of landfills and some crazy talk like that. [Pauses for the booing to stop.]

And well, maybe those cloth stink bags works just fine if you got one kid, but the way God wants it, we’re all gonna be so productive as Americans. We’re gonna be so fruitful and multiply because God loves Americans best and he wants there just you know to be s’many more of us than any other people and that way we never have to wonder where our next army’s comin’ from, because you know what? We’re God’s army, that’s what. And we can’t just stand here and let China and India and wherever else over there with ‘em down in South America have all the people. They’re not even Christians!

And that’s why when we say you have to do patriotic duty for your country Palin women know that duty can be spelled in two different ways and so it’s doody time and you get your freedom of choice with me because I’m not about to restrict something as important as the cloth diapers because I know you busy moms need your down time for things like Bible study and homeschooling until we get the whole public education thing ironed out and they start to act positive too. All that talk about the diapers clogging the landfills that’s just a bunch of liberal hoo-ha because you know what? Todd and me, we live out in Alaska and I am telling you from real close personal experience with it that there’s a lot of land out there and nobody’s usin’ it except some wolves I haven’t got around to killin’ yet but that’s because it’s real busy bein’ a mom to five kids and a good wife to Todd and making special cookies for the people I wish were just so much more positive but who just probably got too set in their angry little ways to change.

So what else won’t change with me? I’ll tell ya. Freedom of religion won’t change either. You won’t find me settin’ restrictions on religion. It’s just gonna be a matter of learnin’ t’think about things a little different is all. We all know that there is really only one true religion and that’s why as governor of Alaska I made sure to add a Christian heritage holiday but did you see me do that for any of those other satan cults? No you did not and that’s because I know the difference, as a good a positive American, between religion and plain old superstition and crazy talk.

So you guys, I’m super happy to tell you today that you are finally free to be religious and that’s exactly what the founding fathers wanted when they wrote the USS Constitution out there in Pearl Harbor that time with the pilgrims and the Indians because they were Christians like me even if the liberals keep insisting they were Deists which also, is total crazy talk because there’s no such thing and never was as someone who believes in nature as God because God knows just like I know that nature is nothing more than his gift to us so that we can go huntin’ and drillin’ and drive around on ATVs. So you are free to pick the Christian church you wanna go to! Isn’t that awesome?  There’s so many to choose from, it’s like when you go into the Target and you can’t decide which kind of disposable diaper to get. I’m all about choices.

There’s a whole heck of a lot more for us t’talk about, but my big old security dudes are tellin’ me some of those crazy liberals might have gotten out of New York and made it all the way north here to Washington City, so I’m gonna head out for a little while and I’ll be back with some more good news for ya in a little bit. Just stay upbeat and positive, and you know what? We’ll get through this just fine.

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Tagged as: john mccain, 2008 election, the comedy, sarah palin