Pat Boone Gets All Misty About Waterboarding

Posted by Tintin, Sadly, No! at 5:11 AM on August 1, 2009.

Pat “Junk in a Box” Boone has a new column up at Wingnut Daily about waterboarding. I don’t know about you, but when I have questions about waterboarding and other forms of torture I think there is no better expert than a washed-up pop singer.

Until a couple of years ago, “waterboarding” sounded like some kind of fun at the beach.

Unless, of course, you had ever read a book about the World War II war crime tribunals.

Thanks to much media exploitation, politically motivated accusations, certain criminally leaked classified information and of course some actual facts, the word “waterboarding” became synonymous with heinous, barbaric torture.

If you suspect that Boone is going to say heinous, barbaric torture is a good thing, well, you’ll be half-right. It’s a good thing when done to Muslims.

Almost ignored in all the anti-American clamor was the fact that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, confessed mastermind of the World Trade Center carnage, as a result of being “waterboarded” 130 times – with no lasting damage at all – finally divulged information that thwarted the destruction of the Brooklyn Bridge and saved an estimated 10,000 innocent lives! So the technique, harsh as it is, proved effective.

Sadly, of course, no! Lyman Faris, the person convicted of the Brooklyn Bridge plot, had, according to Bush’s own DOJ, abandoned his plot at the end of 2002, after deciding that his scheme to collapse the bridge by using a blow torch on the cables was unlikely to succeed. This was before Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had even been captured, much less waterboarded. Another difficulty with his plot would have been luring the “estimated 10,000″ people to stand on the bridge while the terrorists tried to melt the suspension cables with a blow torch.

But what’s good for the Muslim is bad for the Amurikun.

And now, whether expressly intended or not, America is being waterboarded!

The nation – its economy and political body – has been strapped down, blindfolded and hosed. A new administration, empowered by control of both houses of Congress and the most liberal president in history, is immersing us all in a torrent of debt. While we gasp for breath and try to cry “Time out!” we continue to be flooded with staggering commitments neither we nor our children have approved or will be able to fulfill

That may well be most preposterous extended metaphor since Britney Spears’s “Circus,” and Boone is only just getting wound up.

And now, while we’re strapped down by the Democrat-controlled Congress, gasping and gulping beneath a flood of strong-arm tactics, the “health reform” bill taking shape outlines a “minimum-benefits package” that will be universal – that is, required of every American’s insurance plan, whether provided by a private firm or by the government.

No! please, stop! Don’t inundate me in more health care! I’ll say anything you want, just don’t pour anymore of the elimination of preexisting condition exclusion down my nose! I can’t breathe!! Oh, God, no! I’m choking on keeping my health insurance when I lose my job. I confess. I’m part of a cell that wants to change the name of Reagan National Airport back to National Airport and turn every Dunkin’ Donuts store into an abortion clinic. Just stop! I beg you. I’ll say anything.

Tagged as: torture, wingnuts, boone