GOPer: Fire Those Lefty Labor-Lovin' Cops and Bring in Private Mercenaries!

Posted by Brad Reed, Sadly, No! at 11:31 AM on October 2, 2009.

Editor's note: this is a satirical look at one possible future for Macon, Georgia, based on this real-world story from the past week.

I have seen the future, my friends, and it is hilarious.

Last night I was struck by a prophetic dream in which RedState doofus and Macon city councilor Erick Erickson has succeeded in his quest to save his town from the scourge of its police department. Join with me, friends, as we gaze into the crystal ball…

• From the Macon Telegraph, January 23, 2010:

Erickson dissolves Macon police department

City councilor Erick Erickson today declared that his successful bid to abolish the police department in Macon was a triumph for free-market capitalism and for freedom-loving Tea Party patriots everywhere.

“Ridding our fair city of this pestilence will bring in a new era of freedom that will serve as a model for the rest of American to follow!” bellowed Erickson, who was dressed in his customary powdered wig and triangle hat. “Eliminating the police department is just the start of my bold agenda to downsize government in Macon. Memo to the firefighters: your asses are next!”

When asked who would be responsible for arresting and detaining criminals in Macon now that the city had no organized police force, Erickson blinked his eyes for five seconds before muttering, “What?”

• From the Macon Telegraph, January 30, 2010:

Crime in Macon spikes by 2 trillion percent

City councilor Erick Erickson pleaded for calm in the city today even as new data showed that crime in the city has risen by 2 trillion percent since he decided to dissolve the police department last week.

“Freedom is messy,” said Erickson, whose powdered wig looked somewhat unkempt. “But golly gosh, it’s only been a week! Before some of you negative nellies in the press start attacking me, let’s give the program more of a chance. Golly! Goodness gracious me!”

At this point, Erickson’s press conference was cut off as a pack of gangsters stormed city hall and held up all the reporters at gunpoint. Erickson was hurriedly escorted off the premises by his bodyguards.

“We absolutely love this Erickson character,” said Rocco “Skinny Legs” Mancini, one of the gangsters at the stick-up. “Ever since he abolished the police department, it has created a wonderful free-enterprise zone where we may conduct our wholly legitimate business without interference.”

Mancini said that he and his family — who had moved in from New Jersey just days after hearing of Erickson’s decision to disband the police — had formed ErickPAC, a political action committee dedicated to making Erickson a city councilor for the next five thousand years.

• From the Macon Telegraph, February 17, 2010:

Erickson hires Blackwater to protect Macon

After enduring months of looting, pillaging, mass murder and general lawlessness, Macon may finally be getting a police force… of sorts.

City councilor Erick Erickson today announced that he had hired the private security firm Blackwater to protect Macon’s terrified populace.

“The long town-wide nightmare that I created is now over!” boomed Erickson, who stood at the podium surrounded by Blackwater employees equipped with fully automatic weapons. “Through the miracle of the free market, I have given Blackwater a no-bid contract to protect the citizens of Macon from crime for more money than it would have cost us to pay our own ungrateful, union-loving police department. Behold the wonders of capitalism at work!”

• From the Macon Telegraph, March 23, 2010:

Crime down, but civilian massacres rise

Although private security firm Blackwater has successfully driven down crime rates during its first month as Macon’s free-enterprise police department, it has also led to a shocking 400% increase in civilian massacres.

The latest high-profile massacre came last week, when Blackwater security forces stormed into a Macon church and began opening fire, sparking a massacre that left 23 dead and dozens more wounded. The church, whose attendees were predominantly black, has accused the firm of overt racism.

“They barged into our church and demanded to know where we were hiding drugs,” said the Rev. Michael Devine, the church’s pastor. “When we told them that our only drug was the love of Jesus, they opened fire. No way this woulda happened if we were a white church.”

A Blackwater spokesman disputed Devine’s accusations of racism, however.

“I mean, come on,” he explained. “The word ‘black’ is part of our name. Would we really called ourselves ‘Blackwater’ if we hated black people?”

City councilor Erick Erickson defended Blackwater’s actions and said that any complaints about civilian massacres were solely the creation of the media.

“What is it with you people?” shouted Erickson at reporters. “First you bitch about the rampant crime and the fact that Skinny Legs keeps leaving horse heads on your lawns. Then you bitch about some so-called ‘massacres’ of ‘civilians.’ Hello?! Are you people ever satisfied?”

• From the Macon Telegraph, March 30, 2010:

Erickson, Rev. Devine attend White House for beer summit with Obama

President Obama’s latest attempt to soothe racial divisions in America did not go as smoothly as his first attempt.

Obama had hoped to take a page from his actions last summer, when he successfully brought Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley down to Washington DC to share a beer. This time, Obama invited Macon pastor Michael Devine and city councilor Erick Erickson over to the White House to iron out their differences over civilian massacres.

But unlike the last event, where both Gates and Crowley had a polite and friendly conversation, this event was marred by controversy as Erickson showed up to the White House wearing full Revolutionary War garb, not just his usual powdered wig and triangle hat. Erickson also refused to shake the president’s hand, preferring instead to slap him in the face with his glove and walk away.

“I bid you good day, sir!” shouted Erickson as he stormed off the White House lawn. “I said, GOOD DAY!”

On his way out, Erickson also threw a tea bag into Michelle Obama’s garden.

Tagged as: wing-nuts, libertarianism, redstate, erickson

Brad Reed is a writer living in Boston. His work has previously appeared in the American Prospect Online, and he blogs frequently at Sadly, No!.