Liberal Men ... The Forbidden Fruit?

Posted by Marc Faletti, Punkassblog at 4:31 AM on April 17, 2008.

Hey, girl.

Yeah, you. Right over there. How YOU doin? It’s okay, you can come closer. I know I’m a liberal and all, but I won’t bite… unless you think it’s naughty to bite. Because it turns out I’m one of the bad boys your mama/pastor/delusional right-wing website warned you about, and I just wanted to draw you in close so I could force-feed you drugs, materialism, and an aversion to handguns. Confused? Well, just sit here on my lap, girl, and let me show you what I’m talking about.

Thanks to Jill, I now know just how wild and wicked I really am. The interview on dating she found with 6 rockin’ conservative chicks has taught me a lot about myself and just want makes me so damn cool. Turns out it’s all about liberalism, baby.

Take Sharon Soon’s story when asked if she’s ever dated liberal men:

I have always had a policy of not dating liberals, but once, after a bad break-up, I dated a couple of liberal guys…

Yeah, baby! We’re that sinister rebound guy lurking in the corner, and you know that totally ups our hotness factor. You need a break from those stuffy conservatives, you come see us for a dose of Teh Fun. She continues:

First of all, they don’t have the same values and I find that to be a fundamental problem. I know a lot of people are willing to accept that, but I’m not. Their whole world view is different from someone who has conservative values and traditional values as a way of life.

Being focused on yourself, and your rights, and materialism, and no ultimate sense of morality — because I guess when you believe in a more secular way of life, a more liberal viewpoint, it’s all about what you can do for yourself and how you can be happy…and you don’t have any belief in absolute truth or religious principles to guide how you live. You get guys who are selfish and into themselves and don’t care so much about humanity, other people, or me — that just leads to a lot of problems.

What can I say, she’s got us all figured out. My Harley has the bumper sticker “Free markets are for pussies.” Highfive! Those selfless corporate charity cases just don’t know what it means to be a real man, to put your own destiny first. Social justice, universal health care, the environment, educational equality — our ideas are obviously selfish, we admit that, but they’re also Patrick Swayze sexy. Besides, who wants to waste time helping those poor losers over at Halliburton when I could be hoarding all the CO2 in the air for myself with my badass tree farm? Or jerking off after the selfish rush I get from paying Medicare taxes?

Shoot, though, who am I kidding? We all know liberalism is the ultimate gateway drug. Sharon concludes:

I also have a problem with guys who are into things like getting completely trashed and doing drugs…

That’s us! The trashed substance abusers! I guess that’s why all those Bud Light ads really feel like they’re talking to me.

Sometimes, though, it’s about what the conservettes don’t say. Cassy Fiano says she doesn’t date liberal guys, but when asked what bugs her most about dating men, one of her answers is:

Grooming in general on dates…it’s really rare to find a guy who can do it right.

Sorry, wimpnuts, looks like we’ve got you licked again. By banning libs from her dating diet, Cassie appears to have been stuck with the slob crowd (though she professes an aversion to “metrosexuals” as well). Don’t worry, Cassie. Whenever you’re ready to take a walk on the liberal side, we’ve got our Axe Body Spray on and our stubble just right. We’re ready to party.

Not all conservative babes totally get what makes us hottie liberals tick, though. Take Michelle Oddis’ complaint:

Another turn-off with liberal guys, at least for me, tends to be 2nd Amendment stuff. Gun rights? I think it’s kind of wimpy when guys don’t think people should be able to protect themselves.

When I’m at the bar trashed on drugs and staring at myself in the mirror, and some dude steps to me, pulling out a gun is weak sauce. Liberal men are LESS wimpy because we throw down with our bare knuckles. We don’t hide behind the 2nd amendment, a.k.a. The Founding Fathers Had Esteem Issues About Their Junk amendment.

For the last word, where else would we turn but the most well-adjusted source of dating advice on Earth, Dawn Eden:

…My experience with liberals is that superficially, they may be more fun to be around. They’re a bit looser and more relaxed. They make an effort to be more sensitive, but the sensitivity only goes so far. It’s easy for a man to keep this illusion of being a great, sensitive romantic if he knows he’s just going to sleep with you and then say good-bye. Anybody can be Mr. Love God for one night or one week or one month.

WooWOOOOO! You heard it from Dawn first. The Liberal Love God Train is leaving the station, honey. You know you want a ride.

Tagged as: humor, dating, conservatives, liberals

Marc Faletti blogs at « The AlterNet Blogs    « PEEK   « Marc Faletti

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I love this shit. [Report this comment] Posted by: StoneRiley on Apr 17, 2008 5:00 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] This is good shit, man. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Wait ... What about the higher IQs? [Report this comment] Posted by: terradea42 on Apr 17, 2008 6:03 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] I mean, golly, I really hate it when those liberal men get all "pro-education" on me. That's why I don't date them. Their elitist crap about how science and reading is so important ... real men don't think, and I find that so sexy. Go cavemen! And don't get me started on their wimpy anti-global warming speeches. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Conservative Men Think Women Are Objects and Sex is For Sale. [Report this comment] Posted by: bettina9292 on Apr 17, 2008 7:48 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Conservative. Right wing. Uptight. Values..values.. closet ##? sexually. Anti equality. Pro Life. Pro making lots of babies with and sexual intent aimed at "non-pleasure". They are always thinking "I should be.." making more money, not doing what feels good, not caring about how you feel, while they are supposed to be making love to you. What about the rich ones...They are thinking about how you "look" next to them. Oh and don't forget about your conservative traditional "place" in the home or kitchen or doing day care. Seen and not spoken...ooh...What about your being replaced by a newer model when you age don't look so good anymore.. I know the real conservative ones keep their values straight--with their spouses--but explore everything else with their mistresses, roadside bathroom rondevue(spelling?) and hookers galore! Now I miss these conservative relationships! [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Other side of the coin [Report this comment] Posted by: isnamthere on Apr 17, 2008 7:57 AM    Current rating: 3    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Let's take a look at the flip side of the coin, so-to-speak. Conservative women are REALLY HOT to date. Don't all of us "wimpy" liberal men have a secret thing for Ann Coulter. Pay no attention to the adam's apple. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] » Ann Coulter is Proof Posted by: Artkansas » RE: Ann Coulter is Proof Posted by: Squarehead Lol [Report this comment] Posted by: MplsVala on Apr 17, 2008 8:05 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] "When I’m at the bar trashed on drugs and staring at myself in the mirror, and some dude steps to me, pulling out a gun is weak sauce. Liberal men are LESS wimpy because we throw down with our bare knuckles. We don’t hide behind the 2nd amendment, a.k.a. The Founding Fathers Had Esteem Issues About Their Junk amendment." That was so good, I had to see it again. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Did anyone else click the interview link? [Report this comment] Posted by: hurricane hugo on Apr 17, 2008 10:00 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] One normally has to go to a bowling alley to meet women of that stature, hahahaha. Quite the collection of bar trash there. :P jdfu! [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] naked recycling! [Report this comment] Posted by: keyinside on Apr 17, 2008 10:20 AM    Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] As a wild, liberal, sex god, I sometimes like to kink it up by sorting my recycling while only wearing a pair of faux-leather chaps.....ohhhhhhyeah......c'mon you fox news watchin' babes, you know you want the liberal love..... [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Yuk! [Report this comment] Posted by: JimmyVaughan on Apr 17, 2008 11:28 AM    Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] Talk about "keep it in your pants" inducing? I wouldn't make love to one of those conservative hags with someone else's d!ck. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] Hilarious [Report this comment] Posted by: Love Me, I'm a Liberal on Apr 17, 2008 1:00 PM    Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] That was awesome. Liberal guys are the best. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5] VERY Humorous [Report this comment] Posted by: Squarehead on Apr 18, 2008 3:37 AM    Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent] VERY Humorous I'm with StoneRiley on this Now all I gotta do (to improve my mojo) is gen up on Solid Family Values More seriously, the most important sex organ is the brain; I have dated conservative girls (and one in particular was very good fun, a nice person), but anybody who had the elitist attitudes of the rightists here, well I would find that a major turn-off. [« Reply to this comment] [Post a new comment »] [Rate this comment: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5]