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Also in PEEK
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Rep. Patrick McHenry
Founder, Rep. McHenry's Hostel for Strapping Young Republican Lads
Dear Rep. McHenry,
It surprises me that so few people understand just how important you are. After all, you are a Congressman. That's important. You're also the go-to-guy for strapping, young, Republican lads who need a bed for the night. That's important. You've been tied to a multiple-murder investigation involving homosexual prostitutes and organized crime figures. That's important too. So why don't people see you that way?
I know it's not your fault. You've tried very hard to publicize your importance. In just the last few weeks alone, you bragged to an audience at a Republican dinner that you had berated a security guard in Iraq. And then there's that video you put up on your website--the one in which you proved your importance my broadcasting all the secret operational military information you had.
But, unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working. If anything, it's backfired. Your own local newspapers are calling for your head.
We need to turn that around. Below, you'll find my suggestions for other ways to make yourself seem important:
Ways to make Patrick McHenry seem important
* Get on Fox and announce the exact location of Dick Cheney's undisclosed location.
* Go to NYC, do the Pope, and put it on YouTube.
* Do a public demonstration on how to build a dirty bomb with easily obtainable materials.
* Call Barack Obama, "boy."
* Take 20 items to the "nine items or less" check out stand. If anyone complains, tell them you can have them "gitmo'd."
* Bitch slap Geraldo and say "I'm getting away with it, just like Fox."
* Take Sen. Lieberman's place at the podium the next time a torturer is honored.
* Stand up in the middle of a floor debate and announce that you're so respected in conservative circles, you often put your "little, but important, congressman" inside Lindsey Graham's mouth without fear of being bitten.
I hope my suggestions help.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Tagged as: conservatives, hypocrites, military intelligence
General JC Christian is a devout conservative and the proprietor of Jesus' General.
| Also in PEEK | |||
| Hallmark Gets Down with Same-Sex Marriage Now same-sex couples can receive incredibly earnest cards at their weddings too. Post by Isaac Fitzgerald. August 21, 2008. |
McCain Office Is Sent White Powder, Threat CBS: McCain's campaign office in Denver, CO has received a letter containing a threat and "an amount of white powder in it" Post by AlterNet Staff. August 21, 2008. |
Iran: NBA Succeeds Where Bush Administration Failed You can assume that NBA teams won't be calling in Condoleezza Rice to help with negotiations. Post by Faiz Shakir. August 21, 2008. |
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