Sen. John McCain: 'A Response to all Those Rotten Co**suckers Who Say I Have an Anger Problem'

Posted by General JC Christian, Jesus' General at 11:17 AM on April 11, 2008.

Note from PEEK guest editor Joshua H: Jesus' General is one of the best, and most popular, satirists on the net. He is a perfect modern conservative -- he hates liberals, has an unerring loyalty to authority figures and his homosexuality is deeply repressed. I read him daily, to keep tabs on what's going on on the other side of the political spectrum, and recommend you do too.

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Once again, I am honored to have Sen. John McCain guestposting at Jesus' General. Please be kind in your comments. He said he'd shank me with a homemade shiv if anyone insulted him.

Thank you, General, for allowing me to use your electrical computing machine pamphlet again. I got a lot of positive feedback the last time I used it. I'm seriously considering selling the screw-type printing press I've been using. People just don't read the broadsheets I post at the tavern anymore.

Today, I want to write about all those rotten cocksuckers who are saying that I have a problem with rage. Problem? I don't see... What? Hold on. I have to talk to my electrical computing machine operator for a second.

God damn it Lieberman. I'll use the word, "cocksucker" if I want. I'm the god damned Republican nominee, you ass-licking toady. Now get your ass back on the electrical computing machine telegraph key thing and write everything I say. What? Yes, this too, you ignorant fuck. Want me to have Lindsey fucking Graham kick your whining little ass again? Do you want to be VP or not? Then write down everything I said and apologize to the General's readers.

[I'm very sorry! - Joe]

Ok, where was I?

Oh yeah, I was saying that I don't see my rage as being a problem. Take that incident with my wife for instance--the one that fucking jerk, Cliff Schecter, describes in his book, The Real McCain:

Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt."

Completely justified. She twirled my hair and implied I'm going bald for god's sake. I've got a great head of hair dammit. If anything, it's too good. It's so long on one side, I have to comb it over the top so I don't look like a lop-sided fucking hippy.

More importantly, It shows I have the right temperament to be President. If I can talk to my wife that way, just imagine how I'll talk to Putin or that fucking Buddhist, Ahmadinejad. That's if I even talk to them at all. Hell, I may just nuke the bastards. It's a lot fucking kwicker. I won't miss a single Matlock rerun that way.

Tagged as: satire, mccain, schecter, real mccain

General JC Christian is a devout conservative and the proprietor of Jesus' General.