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Six Ways to Win The Iraq War Debate Against Your Really Dumb Friends

Posted by Lee Camp, AlterNet at 6:39 AM on April 11, 2008.


If the consequences weren't so tragic, our discourse would be a hilarious joke.
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Recently I was arguing with one of my dumber friends about the Iraq war. He loves Bush, and thinks bigger bombs is the answer in Iraq. I wasn't gaining any ground in the argument until I used a simple analogy. I said, "Your solution is like shattering an expensive vase and then saying, 'We need to keep smashing it until it's fixed.'" I stumped him. He was silent. So here's a brief list of other analogies you can use on your dumb friends. And the truth is, I've seen similar ones work on some of the smartest political pundits.

1) The country of Iraq has essentially been demolished. The right-wingers keep saying the answer is continued large-scale military action. That's like if someone got into a car accident, went into a coma, and the doctors believed the patient could be healed by more car accidents. So they just keep putting him into cars and sending him off cliffs.

2) I've heard people say that being against Bush or Petraeus or the war in Iraq is equivalent to being against the troops. That's like if I knew someone who repeatedly sent brave puppies out into traffic. I called that person an asshole for abusing the puppies and abusing their power. Then you accused me of being anti-puppy.

3) The administration talks about the success of the surge because violence has decreased, but we're in fact paying the militias not to kill each other or our soldiers. It's like if you were treading water, two sharks approach and begin biting you, you give each one a small piece of fish to distract them. While they take a moment to eat the fish, you sit there treading water and yelling, "Problem solved!"

4) At the Petraeus hearings, he refused to give any sort of definition for "victory" in Iraq. That's like running a foot race, you've gone 30 miles, you're exhausted, and when you ask your coach driving along next to you how much farther, he just keeps saying "You'll know it when you get there." He keeps saying that until you collapse and die.

5) KBR, Halliburton, Blackwater and other companies have huge pull in our government (such as the vice presidency). So essentially they decide when the war is over. They also happen to be making millions upon millions of dollars from the war. So asking them to decide when the war is over, is like asking an ugly guy cast in a threesome porn movie to decide when the scene is over. Chances are the scene would go on for months, if not years. The entire crew would be standing around asking, "It's not over yet? When will we know when it's time to end it?" And the ugly guy would respond, "Um, it's a bad idea to set timetables. Just trust me on this."

6) Lastly, President Bush is like a colorblind child with a Rubik's Cube.

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Tagged as: iraq, satire

Lee Camp is a comedian and writer in NYC. He tours clubs and colleges across the country, writes for Huffington Post and 236.com, and does comedic commentary for various television shows (but no longer Fox News).


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View:
heh
Posted by: sui_generis on Apr 11, 2008 7:03 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Number three is quite good.

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Awesome...
Posted by: tbone on Apr 11, 2008 8:46 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Best useful piece of information Alternet has put out in months...everyone should take note, analogies are the best way to illustrate problems to those who choose to ignore reality. I too have some dumb friends, and they could benefit from having their noses rubbed in it. I just wish someone with some real pull in the msm would stand up and shout, oh well, only time will tell.

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» RE: Awesome... Posted by: leecamp
add this analogy...
Posted by: tbone on Apr 11, 2008 9:03 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Our country is like a spinning top that is slowing down, it tends to start to wobble (inherent instability!), sometimes it wobbles a bit to the left, sometimes a bit to the right. The last 40 years it has been wobbling more and more to the right and the only way to get back some stability is to STOP the SPIN! and give it a fresh twirl, stability can return once new energy is put into the system.

Or all you r's can go on and just keep poking the bear, maybe it will wait till you die to eat you, or maybe it will bite your head until your skull cracks open like a pinata and he will lick up your brains like a bowl of icecream, and excrete you out in a few days to fertilize the happy ecosystem...at least then something good will come from all of your bullshit.

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» RE: add this analogy... Posted by: leecamp
case closed
Posted by: Joe on Apr 11, 2008 9:57 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
tell em you don't support it. case closed.

or

(i know this may offend a couple people on here) tell them they are acting like a emotional liberal.

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The only problem with this article
Posted by: QQOblivion on Apr 11, 2008 10:02 AM   
Current rating: 4    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The only problem with this article is that the author assumes that Republicans can understand abstract concepts such as analogies. Putting two and two together for these people is beyond the comprehension of the conservative mind, even when you juice up the math problem by using 2 apples plus 2 apples gets...(?). They will just tell you, "But I want FIVE apples, so the answer is five".

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» RE: The only problem with this article Posted by: the man with a dog
Anti-Iraqupation Analogies
Posted by: SholomB on Apr 11, 2008 11:31 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Puppies in traffic equal US forces in Iraq? I don't think so. Our forces are more like a couple of leopards attacking a troop of baboons or lions going after Cape Buffalo. Able to predate a few, they risk being torn apart if they hang around until the troop can unite to run them off. In any case, I suspect comparing our soldiers, let alone Muslims, to animals would quickly become self-defeating, regardless of whether a particular analogy was apt or inept.

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OCCUPATION--OCCUPATION
Posted by: kirkmuse on Apr 11, 2008 12:39 PM   
Current rating: 5    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
The War in Iraq is over.
We won. We now have a military occupation of Iraq.

Military occupations cannot be won. Who is going to surrender and sign the peace treaty?

We need to constantly refer to our involvement as an occupation--not a war!

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» RE: OCCUPATION--OCCUPATION Posted by: curiousdwk
» RE: OCCUPATION--OCCUPATION Posted by: thekidde
Really stupid people are never stumped...
Posted by: blitzmesser on Apr 11, 2008 12:41 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
Bush...is a good example.

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Simple is as Simple speaks...
Posted by: JWSmith90291 on Apr 11, 2008 3:01 PM   
Current rating: 1    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I may be wasting my time here, since I sense that you're quite happy with yourself, and arrogant enough to condescend to calling some of your friends "stupider" (than you, I suppose), but here goes:

1) We're staying in Iraq becuse it's now the responsible thing to do. We're there to try to keep the peace amongst belligerent religious and ethnic factions, from Iraq and the region, long enough to allow a new republic to incubate. Your little story about smashing cars off cliffs is so simplistic that it doesn't even serve as a quasi-appropriate analogy.

2) Brave puppies sent into traffic would be quite a waste. But, again, your analogy is simplistic. This time, though, it's even more inappropriate because you embed within it your own presumption that the action to bring a new republic to Iraqi people was a pointless waste (as sending puppies into traffic would be, right?). Are you really so self-centered that you pronounce no value to this action? Oh, yes. I forgot. You're arrogant.

Incidently, one of the "troops" that I correspond with regularly has this message for people who say they support the troops but didn't support the war, and now don't support the clean-up occupation. His comment? "Tell them to stop saying that they don't support the war but do support the troops. It's all the same. You can't support me without supporting what I came here to do. It was my choice to join and I did so with full knowledge of where I would go and what I would do. Most all of us here did. So, you can't support me as a troop, then slam my choice of doing what I do."

I think that says it nicely.

You're a jerk for thinking you know more about this war than ANY of our troops do.

3) We're not paying militias not to kill our soldiers. Again, you're condescendingly trying to load your argument with your own preconceptions to try to make it convincing. The surge has worked because we're not having to play "whack-a-mole" with insurgents. We're actually able to keep enough force in several areas to keep insurgents from coming back after we clean them out. Before the surge, when insurgents came back to a region we'd cleaned, they'd execute the locals there who helped us. That kept locals from wanting to continue to support our efforts. It was a downward spiral. With enough troops, we are able to clean and stay to make sure that our supporters and their families get to enjoy their new freedom.

4) On the subject of a definition of victory: General Petraeus, wisely, is avoiding using words to define what is undefinable. In fact, asking what "victory" will look like in Iraq is like asking "how long is a string?" Besides, any definition he may attempt to give would then become the focus of all of the haters who feel left out because they don't get to feel important when the serious stuff is going on.

So, just work on this one: What is good?

5) On the subject of contractors making money in Iraq: What, exactly, is your problem with this? What would you propose as an alternate way of getting things done there? Maybe you think that we should not pay contractors for their work there?

How about the troops. Should we pay THEM?

You're a simplistic and self-important ass.

I'm happy not to be you.

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» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: Joshua Holland
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: Joshua Holland
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: jacquesclouseau
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: jacquesclouseau
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: Rad Lib Progressive
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: james_allen
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: the man with a dog
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: AMERICAN VETERAN
» Great Exchange! Posted by: PJAW
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: jacquesclouseau
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: Rad Lib Progressive
» RE: Simple is as Simple speaks... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» JW... Posted by: Quannah
» RE: JW... Posted by: JWSmith90291
» RE: JW... Posted by: Rad Lib Progressive
Soldiers volunteer for service,
Posted by: drfun on Apr 11, 2008 4:05 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
they were ordered to illegally occupy Afghanistan and Iraq, they didn't have a choice.
You can support someones decision to become a N.G. soldier who signed on with the intent of defending the borders of their state, not involved in a pre-emptive farce "War on Terror" based off of lies and deceit halfway around the world where over 50% of Americans can't locate on a map.
The MSM has a picture of a smiling Cheney with a why?. You be happy to have been given Vietnam deferments, inconsequential drunk driving convictions, defied NRA hunting rules and shoot a person in the face with no recourse, amass a fortune raiding pension funds, dealing in drugs and weapons with no punishment to serve for crimes committed too.

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Why did "we" invade Iraq, anyway?
Posted by: james_allen on Apr 12, 2008 1:12 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I hope Alternet readers will review my page:
http://james.fabpedigree.com/whyiraq.htm
and send me their comments via gmail to jamesdowallen

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Bush's Rubic Cube
Posted by: curiousdwk on Apr 12, 2008 10:27 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
I loved the metaphor/simile of Bush being like a color-blind child witha Rubic's cube.

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God Bless Geroge Bush
Posted by: Pop on Apr 12, 2008 1:05 PM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
We brought democracy to Iraq! So now they have the freedom to die resisting it, or be tortured as terrorists in redition. Isn't freedom great. Of course there are those here that would have us pay attention to human dignity, or a God-Damned piece of paper called the Constitution or what ever. We should send all those freaks to fight in our war for democracy.

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A simpler way
Posted by: sawdust on Apr 13, 2008 8:05 AM   
Current rating: Not yet rated    [1 = poor; 5 = excellent]
You could just repeat #6 over and over. We'd get it.

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