Why Not a War on New Year's?

Posted by Amanda Marcotte, Pandagon at 3:50 PM on December 31, 2007.

Well, the War On Christmas has come and gone, and the Christmas defenders having "won" it again this year, it strikes me that in the wingnut way of thinking, this is an ideal time for a preemptive strike against the liberals and some sick, perverse holiday that liberals probably love. True, the War On Christmas was utter bullshit, but like with god, Ronald Reagan's greatness, and WMDs in Iraq, that's no reason for your average wingnut to even hesitate to believe whole-heartedly. Which is why I think that this is a good year for the wingnuts to declare a war on New Year's Eve this year. There are a number of reasons they should try to wipe this day off the calendar. (Feel free to share your reasons in comments.)

* The imagery of a baby stepping in to wipe out an older person is a direct assault on traditional values, and probably was invented by rappers.

* The open embrace of debauchery, such as the kissing and the drinking, is most definitely not acceptable. Debauchery is something you do, of course, but hide in airport bathrooms or do without birth control when you're 16 and act gobsmacked that you got pregnant. New Year's Eve violates the requirement that you hide and act ashamed of your debauchery.

* Let's face it; 2008 is not looking good for conservatives. Unless the full court pro-Republican press from the media does its job, we're looking at a shoo-in for the Democratic candidate for President, and probably another round of seat-grabbing in Congress by Democrats. It's as good a year as any to demand that we stop the march of time, which would have the side benefit of forcing the Iraq War to go on indefinitely as planned.

* Now that I think about it, the march of time is basically the main villain, next to the damn hippies, in the wingnut worldview. Why is it not still 1953? Because we kept letting new years just sneak past us is why.

* True, the superstition that says who you're kissing at midnight is who you'll be kissing all year seems pro-monogamy on its surface. But the underlying assumption--that there's a chance you could have more than one kissing partner in a year otherwise--demonstrates an easy-going attitude to rank promiscuity.

* After New Year's Day, people start taking down their holiday decorations. Therefore, it's part of the War On Christmas. That alone justifies a preemptive strike.

I'm not sure what the tactics in the War on New Year's would be. I assume something similar to the supposed tactics in the War on Christmas. Refusing to wear funny hats, going to bed at 10pm, acting disgusted at the very idea of champagne, acting like putting "2007" on your checks starting tomorrow was deliberate instead of a moment of absent-mindedness?

Open thread standards apply. What's your resolutions? What do you hope will happen in the New Year? Predictions on the primaries? Can the Democrats actually blow this election? Feel free to discuss these topics and anything else you want.

Tagged as: conservatives, holidays, christmas, new year's

Amanda Marcotte co-writes the popular blog Pandagon.