Christians Rap About Not Having Sex: 'Gimme That Christian Side Hug!'

Abstinence is hard, even when you really love Jesus. That's why seemingly foolproof methods for preserving the virginity of young, unmarried Christians -- like magic purity rings, or having them go on creepy dates with their dads -- seem to make teens have even more premarital sex: a 2009 study found that rates of teen pregnancy are much higher in religious communities, even when lower rates of abortion were accounted for.

But maybe that's just because most efforts to promote abstinence have one fatal flaw: none have a mechanism for ensuring that the genitals of unmarried Christians never align. Fortunately, some rapping youth pastors are on it.

"AWWWW YEAH! Y'all ready to party all up in here?!" yell the mostly white, Christian rappers in a YouTube clip of a live performance. "Gimme that Christian side hug! Gimme that Christian side hug!" they demand, pumping their fists in the air and bouncing a lot, in a very convincing approximation of what black, secular rappers do.

The Christian side hug is pretty much what you think it is: hugging in a way that leaves your crotch pointing safely outwards and away from the crotches of others, while Jesus smiles approvingly. But, just because these guys are trying to stop teens from having intercourse every time they have brief contact with another person, it doesn't mean they're lame. Bandanas, gunshots and police sirens are enlisted to convince teens that side hugs and white Christian rappers are cool -- you know, cool like poor black people. The group also wants teens to know, "I'm a rough rider! Filled with Christ's love!"

Here's the video (by the way, this made me so uncomfortable I had to watch it in increments. It's a lot worse than French rap).

Pretty sure this isn't a joke. The video is hosted on a YouTube channel associated with The Father's House, a California Ministry that runs a youth conference called "Encounter Generation." On an Open Door Youth Ministries blog, someone's posted the video, writing:

I found these and thought that those of you who attended the EG Conference hosted by The Father’s House in Vacaville would enjoy watching them again… And remember young people, when in doubt, gimme that Christian side hug! 

That's my plan. 

h/t Isaac Fitzgerald, the Rumpus. 

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