Considering a Faux Turkey for the Holidays? Better Read This First

Thank Lou Bendrick for doing the dirty work for you. Bendrick enlisted a team of taste testers to try out four different faux turkeys. The hilarious write up was featured in Grist. The rationale behind it: "Any moral high ground gained by having a plant-based Thanksgiving may become absolutely meaningless if you screw up a happy, festive experience with a protein centerpiece that looks gross, or worse yet, has a flavor capable of sending guests, carnivorous and non, in search of a Butterball."

I've never quite recovered from my first and only Tofurky experience about 8 years ago and I even like a lot of veggie meat. Here's what the tasters (and some of them are kids, if that explains any of the comments) had to say about the Tofurky:

Tasters were not sure whether to be comforted or disturbed by the fact that this product had a skin, which one taster described as smelling like "art class." All tasters struggled for texture descriptors for Tofurky (motto: "America's Leading Turkey Alternative Since 1995"), but the most evocative was "squeaky on the teeth." Two tasters described the taste as bologna-like and most concurred that this "bird" was salty. Strangest overall comment: "Carp would love this." The most backhanded compliment came out of the mouth of a babe, who, to the chagrin of her parents, exclaimed "It tastes like McDonald's Chicken McNuggets, and I like those!"

I'm guessing this might not make you want to run out grab a few for your Thanksgiving guests. And the other three Torfurky-like products got even worse reviews one was described as "'unfortunate' and was compared to rubber, cement, and -- oxymoronically -- 'dried pudding.'"

As a vegetarian, I used feel like I should leap to the defense of these faux birds and their place on our table, but it's awfully hard to get behind some of these concoctions, which are beginning to not even resemble food any more. I definitely don't mind a Turkey-less Thanksgiving, I've been enjoying the meal for 20 years without a real bird. But I'd prefer to steer clear of the fake food, too. There's so much delicious goodness to eat this time of year, that plasticized soy just doesn't make the cut. Bendrick's review is just another reminder why.