Guest Post by John McCain: 'My Secret Plan to Fix the Economy'

Posted by General JC Christian, Jesus' General at 6:08 AM on July 14, 2008.

Sen. McCain Joins us again to announce another in a series of his secret plans to improve upon Our Leader's greatest achievements.

Thank you, General. I'm finding that this electrical typing pamphlet thingy is one of my most effective methods of communication. It even beats the hell out of the Hannity show I do on the Marconi wireless thingy.

Yesterday, I announced my plan to fix the economy by the end of my first term. I didn't release much in the way of details, because it's a secret plan, just like my secret plan to capture Osama bin Laden by eradicating the immoral salmon.

The reason my plan is so secret is because it doesn't use numbers. People don't like that. They say it's insane not to use numbers as the basis of an economic plan. I disagree. I think of it as being a bold gambit, a demonstration of the kind of strong leadership I will exercise as your president. Much like the leadership the current president demonstrated when he invaded Iraq to show a handful of Saudi terrorists and his father that he means business.

Anyway, without numbers, I have very little to work with beyond a number of paradigm-breaking ideas involving Mary Kay Cosmetics, Nigerian bank transactions and leprechaun gold. My advisers tell me not to talk about those ideas. They say people won't understand the complexities of my "Cunts for Prosperity," "Overly Polite Emails For Economic Recovery," and "End of the Rainbow" initiatives. That's why we decided to make it a secret plan -- or a mostly secret plan anyway. I say "mostly secret" because I have released a piece of it, the part I call the "Victory Initiative".

The Victory Initiative will stimulate the economy by injecting it with the money we save after I declare a secret victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. Granted, it may not be a lot of money -- we'll still need to pay for the mopping up operations our soldiers will conduct there for the next 100 years -- but hell, we can squeeze out a little more money by cutting veterans health and education benefits. After all, secret victory requires sacrifice.

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Tagged as: mccain, satire