McCain Hires Palin's Kenyan 'Witch Hunter' to 'Remove Evil Spirits from U.S. Economy'

Posted by William K. Wolfrum, Shakesville at 7:40 AM on September 26, 2008.

Editor's note: This is obviously satire. Sadly, the same can't be said for the video at the end of the post.

WASILLA, Alaska -- In a move sure to enhance both his reputation as a maverick reformer and his relationship with conservative voters, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain has hired Kenyan Pastor Thomas Muthee as his chief negotiator in the ongoing financial bailout negotiations in Washington.

Muthee, who is credited with Palin's rapid ascension in politics by laying his hands on her, will fly to Washington D.C. later today to begin the process of "removing the witchcraft" from the troubled U.S. economy.

"Senator McCain is a proven maverick reformer and so is Pastor Muthee," said McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. "Huge government bailouts are not conservative methods. Fighting witchcraft, however, is. And no one fights witchcraft like Pastor Muthee."

Muthee, who first earned fame by chasing a woman out of his village in Kenya, has long been a close friend and ally of Governor Palin. He said he plans to do the same for the U.S. economy that he has done for Palin's political career.

"God wants us, wants to penetrate in our society, is in the economic area," said Muthee. "The Bible says that the wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. It's high time that we have top Christian businessmen, businesswomen, bankers, you know, who are men and women of integrity, running the economics of our nations. That's what we are waiting for. That's part and parcel of transformation. If you look at the Israelites, that's how they work."

House Minority Leader John Boehner said that by bringing in the Kenyan witchcraft fighter, McCain had again proven that he's serious about putting country first.

"One thing the American people have to know is that all of us around the table take this issue very seriously and we know we've got to get something done as quickly as possible,'' said Boehner. "The free market works. Period. The only explanation for our current turmoil is witchcraft, and like the Maverick he is, John McCain is the only one willing to take a stand against it."

Earlier this week, Palin said she was a supporter of the $700-billion taxpayer bailout plan for the U.S. financial industry.

"We're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bailout. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy," said Palin. "Helping the—oh, it's got to be about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans, and trade we've—we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation."

Upon being informed that Muthee would lay his hands on the U.S. economy, however, Palin said she was thrilled and respected Muthee's boldness.

"As I was mayor, and Pastor Muthee was here, and he was praying over me, you know he speaks, and he’s so bold," said Palin. "He’s praying, ‘Lord, make a way. Lord, make a way.’ I’m thinking this guy is really bold. He doesn’t know what I’m going to do. He doesn’t know what my plans are, and he’s praying not, ‘Oh Lord, if it be your will, may she become Governor.’ No. He just prayed for it. ‘Lord, make a way and let her do this next step,’ and that’s exactly what happened. So, again very, very powerful coming from this church, so that was awesome about Pastor Muthee.”

Speaking at the Wasilla Assembly of God, Muthee said he was prepared for the challenge of healing the U.S. economy.

“We come against the spirit of witchcraft! We come against the python spirits!” said Muthee.

Reached for comment in Washington, a flummoxed Nancy Pelosi said that while she hates witchcraft and python spirits as much as anyone, she was perplexed as to what Muthee would bring to the negotiating table.

"What? You're kidding me, right?" asked Pelosi. "Seriously, you're joking, right?"

Still, many top conservatives are excited about the move to free the U.S. economy from demonic spirits.

"This is the type of move that proves that John McCain isn't just another Washington insider," said disgraced former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. "Do you think Barack Obama has the courage to bring Rev. Jeremiah Wright in to lay his hands on the economy? Of course not. This is a big win for McCain."