The Palin Doctrine: You Pay for Your Rape Kit, I'll Pay for My Tanning Bed

Posted by Katie Halper, KatieHalper.com at 3:12 AM on September 19, 2008.

Sarah Palin was ambushed by Charlie Gibson with a gotcha question about the Bush Doctrine. Well, maybe Palin isn't an expert on the current president's doctrine, but, as her hero Virginia Woolf would have it, the governator has a doctrine of one's own, the Palin Doctrine, which strikes a balance between governmental largess and governmental neglect.

Under said doctrine, for example, the government will pay for basic necessities such as installing a tanning bed in the Governor's mansion. We all know a depressed Governor makes a depressed state, and nothing gets rid of Seasonal Anxiety Disorder better than a fake tan. So Palin was acting with the economic and emotional well-being of Alaska in mind, when she had a tanning bed installed in her house.

As the women of Wasilla know, however, the Palin doctrine doesn't rejects government hand-outs such as rape kits. During Palin's mayoralty, women were stuck with the tab for their forensic exams, which range from $300 to $1,200. Palin refuses to perpetuate the endless cycle of rape-victim welfare.

By paying for rape kits, the government would be rewarding people who break their abstinence-only pledges, which, as we all know, are sacred to the entire Palin family, especially Bristol. But by charging rape victims, the government encourages women to keep their purity pledges to their fathers. Plus the expense, makes women think twice about crying wolf, thus helping to reduce Alaska's per capita rape rate, which stands among the highest in our great nation.

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Katie Halper is a co-founder of Laughing Liberally, a political comedy group, with whom she performs regularly. Katie is also an Artistic Director and Comedy Curator at The Tank, a non-profit performing arts space for emerging artists.