"First we mistakenly bombed civilians but eventually we got over it. Then we accidentally bombed an innocent embassy, but we got over that too. The United States is fast becoming known as the country that can't bomb straight. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean NATO."
Durst writes: "Aliens' first glimpse of our culture is going to be our television programming. Well, hell, no wonder we haven't been contacted yet. They're scared out of their little alien wits of us."
Durst writes: "It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital where the spirit of red white and blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hotfoot ... Newt Gingrich singlehandedly pushed through an iron clad Campaign Finance Reform Bill that will forbid any contribution over ten bucks."
Durst writes: "So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us, Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall we?"
Durst writes: "The game of politics is one of the inherent problems you have with a political appointment. Another can be witnessed in Iraq where Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Odai, in an example of nepotism gone horribly awry, was appointed head of the Iraqi soccer federation."
Dust writes, "In his press conference on recent revelations that his administration used the White House as a money bag drop, Clinton made it absolutely clear: 'We didn't do anything wrong and we promise not to do it again, and we can't recall if and when or where it may have happened. Which it didn't.' Well that clears things up like a lousy decade old 8mm print of a vampire flick at a foggy drive-in theatre in the Andes with votive candles throwing the projection."
Durst writes, "Mr. Gingrich actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, 'We're more than just the cynical, venal, narrow, corrupt profession that all too often is a reflection of the current culture.' Of course, you are Newt. You're also manipulative, lying, scornful, unscrupulous, swindling, avaricious, grasping, virulent, cheating, fraudulent and petty."
Will Durst thinks Bob Dole is in the middle of an identity crisis. He writes, "Bob Dole's campaign policy is similar to intimating that the Antarctica tourist board has been slack in its attempt to attract surfing conventions. The man can't even convince himself. So far his best stab at it has been, 'Bob Dole envisions an America that is different -- maybe.'"
Democratic National Committee leaders recently met with Madison Avenue advertising executives to explore new ways to market the Democratic Party. Suggestions from Durst include: "The Democrats. Like Perot's Party, Only Different." "Democrats Good. Republicans Bad." "The Democratic Party. No Newts." "Dem Dems. We Got Our Mojo Working." "Democrats 'R Us" (with a cigarette holder on the backwards R).
Will Durst on the weather: "Today there's big news. There's a heat wave in the Midwest. Imagine that. Heat. In the Midwest. In July. What's next? The Pacific Ocean is moist. The French can be annoying."
"PBS is proud to announce its daring new Unsolved Mysteries series, with shows answering such unanswerable questions as: How do the English reproduce? Where are all the baby pigeons? and Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking."
Durst writes: "Kids today obviously don't understand why we old fart baby boomers keep droning on and on about how the 60s were so much better. But we changed the world, nipple-ring-boy, and don't you forget it."
Durst writes: "One of the big arguments for impeachment ... is America will lose the respect of other world leaders. I just want to know one itty bitty thing. What other world leaders? The Pope? If he knows what's good for him, he'd better respect Clinton, since Bill puts the moves on anything in a dress."
Durst writes: "PBS is getting a measure of heat lately for marketing 'The Teletubbies' to fill that all important 1-to 2-year-old niche in the toy market. What's the big problem? America today is not about making things, it's about buying them. And what better time to start nurturing a consumer mentality in children than when they have yet begun to speak."
Durst writes, "Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, the man worth $40 billion who insists on eschewing hair products, and his lovely Microwife, Melinda, have moved into their new Lake Washington digs after seven years and about umpteen ecological injunctions. And rumor has it, the damn Microhouse is already worth less money than the $50 million it cost to erect, because it was built to such weird flippo unit quirky Micro specifications."
Durst writes: "In the first three months of the 105th Congress, 57 separate campaign finance reform bills have been introduced. Guess how many have a chance of actually getting passed? If you responded with any number higher than the amount of Popes now living who are not Polish, you are more misguided than sushi at a ballgame."
Will Durst writes, "Isn't this that time of the year when partially tanned economists go back to school and predict a substandard Christmas sales season because we the public will not buy enough new stuff. How dare we? Just exactly who do we think we are?"
Durst says, "They've been sniping at him for months but Bob Dole remains so far in front of his Republican rivals right now, I doubt they can see the back of his pruney little neck due to the curvature of the earth."
During a recent interview, MTV correspondent Tabitha Soren asked the President about ending the tax deduction for cigarette advertising, to which he replied, "It's an interesting idea. Nobody ever raised it to me before. Maybe you should be here making public policy." Damn straight. Let's enlist all the MTV personalities as advisors.
"And now for another delectable treat from my classic Washington Cookbook! This one's called 'Fiscally Myopic Budget Crockpot,' and all the ingredients you need are: One bunch of tax cut proposals; 435 egos (any size will do); and 8-10 large sprigs of Presidential Ambition."
Durst writes: "Big tobacco companies say they're worried about Project Head Start. Give me a break. That's like a guy who makes his living dumping toxic waste into a river getting all worried about the little tadpoles."
Durst writes: "Say what you will about those wacky Indians, they just proved they possess International cajones the size of The Great Barrier Reef by joining the We Can Really Screw Things Up Big Time Club."
Durst writes: "The current slight of hand the Clinton administration is busy busy busy distracting us with, is maintaining it has the right to attack Iraq in order to force Saddam Hussein to open sites to weapons inspectors based on Security Council resolutions. And also because we're way bigger and we've done it before. The unwritten 'Big Dog' chapter of the New World Order."
Durst writes: "October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix."
Durst writes, "So, here I am on the fabled Information Superhighway. It'll be easy to recognize me; just look for the grease spot behind the overturned big rig. Road kill in the bread down lane. For crum's sake you guys, I don't watch the 50 channels I have now. The hell am I supposed to do with 500!?! "
Durst writes, "Today, Newt Gingrich will probably be the first Republican in 60-plus years to be re-elected to the post of Speaker of the House, and to be perfectly honest, the Democrats aren't exactly crying in their beer. For one thing, compared to the guys who might replace him, the Evil Dough Boy is a freakin moderate. His obvious successor, Dick Armey -- just a little to the right of Attilla the Hun -- would declare open season on Democrats starting with another deer in the headlights on the character highway: Bill Clinton."
Durst is trying to find the brightside of Pat Buchanan becoming president: "He wouldn't have to build that fence he keeps talking about because both Mexico and Canada would build fifty foot walls of broken glass tipped razor wire to control our emigrants."
Will Durst on lying your way out of a political mess, "First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries. It's true, Washington just doesn't get it. The secret seems pretty easy to me. So here is your Will Durst Handy Hints to scamming your way through."
"In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized."