The Senate voted to discuss their opinions on dismissing the impeachment case behind closed doors. Of course as we all know, Senate rule 29 makes it an expulsionary offense to reveal what was said when the big boys and girls of Congress let their hair down. After a couple of discreet cash transactions, we are proud to be able to reveal exactly what was said without fear of expulsion since we aren't a big time Senator.
Durst writes: "Now that Inflato Boy has finally broken Maris' record, every yellow-blooded journalist worth his carpal tunnel syndrome is babbling incessantly about this groundskeeper guy who retrieved the ball and then just gave it to McGwire for zip, zero, nada, nothing. Not even a signed, empty 55-gallon drum of Androstenedione."
Durst writes: "Despite studies that show more younger kids are trying marijuana than ever before, Baby Boomer parents apparently don't think their kids are involved. I love this. They underestimated the availability of pot and whether their children's friends were smoking it. Probably think because they lost all their connections, they don't exist anymore."
Durst writes: "Wisconsin. The heart of the Midwest. Although technically, it's in the Mideast, but that name was already taken, and I'm guessing we weren't willing to fight for it. The overriding philosophy of the Midwest is 'don't rock the boat.' What they neglect to tell you is there's no damn water in the pond. You can get out and walk to shore if you wish."
Durst writes: "Okay, buckle up me boyos, because I'm going to lay a heavy weird one on you here. Billie Jean Matay, former mousketeer "Billie" in the troupe that performed at Disneyland's opening in 1955 says an armed man stuck a gun in her neck recently in the Happiest Place on Earth's parking lot and took her money and jewelry."
Durst writes, "Responding to new estimates that Disney's golden parachute for Mike Ovitz will peak out at $140 million including stock options, employees of the Mouse are organizing demonstrations protesting the buyout. These are not what you call the Happiest Employees on Earth here. Understandably."
Durst writes, "You knew this was going to happen. There's a pot party raging on Capitol Hill. The U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a summit on the two states, California and Arizona, that have legalized medicinal marijuana, and is desperately trying to develop a strategy to step up enforcement of federal marijuana laws. God forbid the United States allow the peoples' will to stand sans Congressional supervision without setting a dangerous precedent."
Will Durst had hoped Bob Dole had gone away, but, Durst writes, "Heee's Baaack! In a twist of fate as surprising as middle aged white guys opposing affirmative action, this summer's hottest sequel features the grisly spectacle of a lonely old man fighting incredible odds in his battle against the social aliens of America's Babylon."
"The Republican Party gritted its teeth so hard, they actually drew gum blood when endorsing San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown's re-election bid. Must have been similar to the excitement a family of cobras feels while puffing up hoods to elect a mongoose to watch over their nest."
"The NAACP is threatening to sue the major television networks because not one of their twenty six new shows premiering this fall features a minority star. But the NAACP must have been misinformed. Asians are constantly popping up as rickshaw drivers and launderers in Martial Law, and aren't there plenty of wacky Puerto Ricans garbling English as various restaurant workers in Friends?"
Durst writes: "Some people have been calling the airlines demanding the elimination of peanuts because of their allergies. Now the airline companies, which are so sensitive to the threat of lawsuits they can smell a lawyer's fingerprints on a press release, have said they can't guarantee peanut-free flights. They counsel people to take early flights when nobody serves anything, or switch to another carrier like American, which is pretzel territory."
Durst writes: "John Glenn has received the go-ahead to return to space on the shuttle Discovery this fall. If it happens, Glenn, at 77, the first American to orbit the Earth in a Mercury 7 capsule back in 1962, would also become the oldest man in space -- after Timothy Leary, that is."
Durst writes: "Tiger Woods' smashing victory in the Masters Golf Tournament is a great boom to golf, and an even bigger one to Nike, which apparently has their swoosh stenciled on every piece of clothing he owns ... You know Nike is still holding damage control meetings about focus group surveys to figure out if that whole Heaven' Gate thing was good publicity or bad. 'Well, on the one hand, the swoosh was on the cover of everything. On the other hand, it did tend to put a reverse spin on the whole 'just do it' thing. After all, dead customers are rarely repeat customers.'"
Durst writes, "Clinton went back to his conservative touchstone, the Democratic Leadership Council, and trotted out themes he's floating for his inaugural speech next month. You know, the usual: government indifference, screw the poor; while sucking up to the corporate powers, but not so anyone notices."
Will Durst writes, "The bi- partisan Commission on Presidential Debates told Ross Perot that he should take a flying leap off a short plank into a deep ravine of vicious weasels, and the billionaire is more upset than a long-tailed cat in a room full of drunken frat boys wearing golf cleats. He's squeaking and hollering and stamping his little feet, because co-chair Paul Kirk said 'Participation is not extended to candidates because they might prove interesting or entertaining'."
Durst has uncovered a memo from the Republicans to Al D'Amato with suggestions for discrediting the president: Chelsea "has skipped gym three times in the last month, (whereabouts unknown, perhaps Vince Foster redux?) and her locker contains 3 glossy photos of television actor George Clooney including one that has a bulge drawn in ink on the crotch along with the words, 'woo-woo.' We have a handwriting man working on it now."
In California, the Senate is voting on a medicinal marijuana bill. Will Durst asks, "What has taken these uptight white guys so long? Or is it a macho thing determining the fates of people about who's lives they are clueless? Are they afraid that if marijuana becomes legalized medicine, pain may actually be replaced with joy? 'If sick people are happy, everyone will want to be sick.'"
"Here are a few of the service upgrades rumored to be implemented: double-lined airsick bags now minty fresh; attendants instructed to shriek at you: 'Suck sand and die' with a smile; gravel used to fill headrests to be pounded smaller."
"George 'Wussmonster' Bush refuses to admit or deny using cocaine because, he says, he would send a bad message to impressionable youths. Which means what? He was doing it wrong? Swabbing it onto his underarms with Q-Tips?"
"It's time for us to weigh in with our own Passengers Bill of Rights ... like the right to a no infant section, movie screens larger than a postcard, and seats for people larger than pygmy supermodels."
Durst writes: "According to the White House, the Office of the Independent Counsel has more leaks than a rubber raft used as the goal net of a nail gun fight. Starr maintains the President is the actual disseminator of misinformation in order to obfuscate the real issue, which means Bill has been lying his ass off since day one in order to save same gluteus maximus."
Durst writes: "Hey guys, this is Durst with your Alan Greenspan watch. Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly burped yesterday, sending shivers through Wall Street that nearly brought down several International commodities exchanges. This was immediately after his dinner companions at the upscale Midtown Manhattan Benningan's restaurant seemed disappointed in the size of their portions, but Greenspan just grunted, which was interpreted as perhaps indicative that lowered expectations are the wave of the future."
Durst writes: "Another study concerning violence on television has been released and the surprising conclusion is that violence on television is bad, and the majorest bad guy is, once again, us. For watching. Of course this report was broadcast on the same news program that featured tape from the carnage caused by a suicide bomb explosion in Jerusalem. Obviously the work of some Beavis & Butthead Satellite aficionado."
Durst writes: "I'm sick and tired of having normal people represented by Hollywood as nothing more than brain dead bigoted bloaty globs of cellulite incapable of communicating through anything more complicated than a rude series of grunts and belches. Boy, they sure seem to cater to us when they want our money. 'Heartbeat of America' my butt."
Durst writes, "During the Gulf War, U.S. commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic clouds. That must have been one hell of a briefing."
Durst says, "So the only way Dole can lose the nomination is for him to be photographed at a Satanic cult ritual testimonial carcass littered dinner table and since Pat Buchanan is his only competition, it wouldn't matter, because he's probably be the recording secretary."
Durst on the congressional response to needle exchange, "Do these self righteous hogs also believe shot glasses cause alcoholism? That makes sense. Everyone knows forks are the real cause of obesity. All you got to do is build a bonfire from alligator briefcases and you conquer greed. Want to stem teenage pregnancy? Easy answer: ban milkshakes."
"As damage control, George II is supposedly calling major donors and party stalwarts to let them know although the ship may be have a tiny hole, its still full speed ahead. Sounds to me like the same plight the S.S. Minnow experienced. And that was a mere three hour tour."
"The manufacturer of Beanie Babies announced the entire collection will be retired at the end of the year. Even though he shares their cuddly nature, it is not expected this action will affect Strom Thurmond."