Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG."
"Dateline: Virginia, August 31, 2004. Tobacco companies boosted wholesale prices by another 75 cents a pack on Monday, in part to pay off the trillion dollar Asian health care settlement reached last week, and in part to increase their profits to around $14 a pack."
"Estimates say that 25 to 40 percent of bottled water is just repackaged municipal tap water. 'Pure as an alpine spring,' as long as you understand that spring might be runoff from a toxic waste dump laced with arsenic."
Durst writes: "The IRS is under Congressional mandate to become less like the Spanish Inquisition and more ... well, cuddly. And to be honest, it's having a harder time than Dan Quayle with his MENSA membership application. "
Durst writes: "The Unabomber Journals have been released to the general public, and surprisingly it turns out Ted Kaczynski was more twisted than your average rock and roll drummer after a two week gig in Amsterdam. Who knew?"
Durst writes: "The networks released next season's schedules and they have cleverly put themselves in danger of neither breaking new ground or setting the bar too high. Ooh, those sly ones. One will never be able to accuse them of having failed to fulfill high expectations."
Durst on why The Green Bay Packers are our new America's Team: "The Packers are literally owned by the small Wisconsin town and this has woven a whole 1930's fairy tale quality around it. We're talking Civic Pride so far off the Richter scale it threatens sensitive seismological readings in subterranean Japanese caves."
Durst writes, "Soccer Moms are the big demographic buzz word this year. Which I guess is supposed to be middle-aged white suburban housewives. Some kind of racist thing implying minorities don't play soccer. Bocce Ball Moms probably don't carry that much weight. Both parties are courting this constituency like a nerd trying to con a cheerleader into attending the senior prom. This has produced the uneasy spectacle of Bob Dole appearing without a tie and his shirt undone. Can't wait for the gold medallion to emerge."
Now let me get this straight, the City of Los Altos, California school district has banned Halloween observations on religious grounds. What religious grounds? Are they concerned the distribution of free candy is just phase one of a clever Druid recruitment program? What about trees? The Druids worshipped them. Is that what the timber companies are trying to accomplish with their policy of clearcutting; religious freedom? Perhaps the Los Altans are worried Halloween is a gateway holiday. Sure, if we don't maintain an eternal vigilance, kids will sneak off to dark alleys sacrificing goats for Saturnalia. Until they eventually become Republicans and are willing to sacrifice the elderly for tax cuts. Well, how bout Thanksgiving. Just who do you suppose they were giving thanks to? And picnics? Aren't they another feeding ritual meant to honor the Sun God Ra? Obviously the next target in the sites of the thought police will come in Spring. That's right, the Easter Bunny is going to end up roasted on a cafeteria spit and served with mint jelly to prove to kids that colored eggs and chocolate duckies have no place in public schools. A lot like fun. ###
"One potential election folly: At some time during a campaign a staffer will let it slip he thinks Hitler was misunderstood. Not Hitler himself, but his motives. Only in the Pat Buchanan campaign will it turn out to actually be the candidate."
"The State of Louisiana can't get rid their swamp rat problem, so in the great American tradition of making lemonade when you have lemons, they're trying to market it. All they really need is a decent ad campaign and I'm here to help..."
Durst writes: "When he bombed terrorist bases in Afganistan and Sudan, Clinton claimed he was trying to pre-empt other terrorist attacks and had 'compelling information they were planning additional' ones. Of which I have no doubt. I'm just wondering which maniacal despot he's talking about: Osama bin Laden, or Kenneth Starr."
Durst writes: "Due to the fact that thousands of girls barely bigger than the family sized tub of popcorn have seen it so many times, memorizing which way the individual drops of water move, the movie 'Titanic' has become the largest grossing picture in history. Now you can say many things about Hollywood executives but you can't call them stupid."
Durst writes, "Had an awkward moment at the first Bulls Knicks game. It seems Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert showed up in the same dress. Gennifer Flowers is going to testify at the Paula Jones trial, and you know Clinton can be thinking of only one thing: threesome."
Durst writes: "The stock market hit 8000 the other day and shares of Microsoft led the rally with a gain of $9.97 to close at $148.44, pushing the Redmond, Wash.- based software giant ahead of Coca-Cola to become the second most valuable company in the nation behind General Electric. Bill Gates, also affectionately known as Chairman Bill, Mr. Vaporware and the Gnome Without a Comb, owns 23.7 percent of Microsoft, thus pocketing a cool $2.8 billion for one day's non work. I've heard of making a killing in the stock market, but this would have to qualify as genocide."
Durst writes: "Happy National Asteroid Awareness week everybody! You've probably seen the fabulous NBC mini-series, of which internal promotions cried: 'Critics call it Unbelievable!' You can't make stuff up like this. God, the special effects were so cheesy, I'm surprised they didn't Fed Ex a box of crackers to every home in America to watch it with."
Durst says: "Reportedly, Yitzhak Rabin's assassin was a 27-year-old law student who was part of a right wing anti-Middle East peace splinter group. The hell is going on? Who signs up to join an anti-peace splinter group? People who graduate from a puppy torture seminar?"
Comic Will Durst on the latest for Dr. Death: "The landlord is trying to close down Dr. Kevorkian's clinic. Didn't know what it was going to be used for. Yeah, right, like Jack Kevorkian is going to open the world's most unusual electrical supplies shop."
"The race for the Democratic nomination for President is shaping up to be the most boring since my third grade social studies teacher rammed through Marni Minor as hall monitor on the straight 'Because I said so' ticket."
"'Compassionate Conservatism' -- Like me, you must be worrying: what other two word self canceling campaign keynotes are available for the marginal flotsam candidates to scrounge for? I'm glad you asked."
Durst writes: "I imagine at state dinners even breadsticks, celery stalks and kosher dill pickles will come under excruciatingly close scrutiny. So along with everything else, Bill has managed to screw up the White House catering department as well. Asparagus spears? I don't think so."
Durst writes: "A study commissioned by the National Cable Television Association found that violence on TV was so bad, they had to avert their eyes when they sent out the results. Their conclusion? Don't watch TV, but if you have to, don't watch cable TV, except Xena. And if you have to watch cable besides Xena, whatever you do, please, please, don't get HBO."
Durst writes, "I love Las Vegas. It is America. Lots of bright sparkling lights, the veiled threat of air brushed sex lurking around every corner and of course wads and wads of cold hard cash publicly distributed to the unworthy, which by the apparent definition means everybody but us."
Durst writes, "They're gearing up for term two of the Clinton administration and it's going to be about as smooth as a gravel milk shake. The next four years are going to make the Borgias look like the Walton family. Everybody says there's going to be lots of cooperation between both sides of Congress and the White House, and there will be. At least as far as what shape the Senate investigation tables will take. And there will be investigations. Tons of them."
Durst says, "After having proposed a series of new and improved slogans for the Democrats and immeasurably helping them to recapture Congress next year, we here at Durstco are alarmed at being thought responsible for altering the balance of power, and hereby pitch these recommendations for new phrases to reinvigorate the Republicans."
Comic Will Durst says that Republicans still cling to that cute Victorian credo that the only people savvy enough to vote are white male landowners with large areas of flea infested facial hair. What today, minus the muttonchops, are commonly referred to as Corporate CEOs.
"After 100 years of reforming the primaries, we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the cigars from the smoke-filled rooms."
Durst writes: "Clinton, Netanyahu and Arafat aren't leaving their peace talks until they agree on something. Since small stumbling blocks remain -- like the PLO's unwillingness to give up its charter declaration calling for the total destruction of Israel -- I have some fail-safe fallback promises they can keep."