Just when you thought it was safe to settle down with a tub of fried chicken the size of a sofa bed to watch the Olympics, now comes a sudden wave of the Bushqualms. According to one of the "a--holes" at the New York Times, high level supporters are worried Dubyah has recently seemed either "defensive, bumbling, weary, detached or peevish."
Why do 3rd party candidates actually spend the time and money and energy to run? Consider this: an Ebola Virus laden buffet at the Presidential debates at St. Louis University attended by both halves of the Republican and Democratic tickets. Could mean a fight to the finish between Nader and Buchanan.
"Maybe we've become too cynical. Maybe we're concentrating on the too too slight differences between the candidates and not enough on the similarities that make them leaders among men, and sons among Senators."
They're spraying the streets of the Midwest with out of control hoses to celebrate the price of gas dropping thirty four cents a gallon since the Feds announced they're going to investigate who or what is responsible for the rapid ascent in gas prices.
In his search for a running mate, George W Bush is sending out background questionnaires to prospects, which include such questions as: "Complete this statement. Women: A) Should be seen barefoot and pregnant but not heard, B) Are best served with lemon butter and capers, or C) Deserve to be executed just like normal people."
"Gas prices in Chicago have risen to around $2.15 a gallon. Add that to the rising cost of housing and you have to ask yourself: how long before the Tokyo Chamber of Commerce starts recruiting people to enjoy their lower cost of living?"
"This can't be good. The top three finishers in the 73rd Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee were all home schooled. Which means they do not go to public school, nor do they go to private school, but rather to the privatist of all schools."
"After relentlessly pursuing ABC on his daily radio show for weeks, Rush Limbaugh auditioned to become the new announcer on Monday Night Football. What a great idea. A stadium is much better suited to accommodating the ego of Jabba the Talk Show Host."
Durst writes: "A recent study says that during the aging process the male brain shrinks faster than the female brain. The good news is scientists actually found a male brain. Iran is going to raise the $2.5 million bounty on Salman Rushdie. Hey, aren't they violating some sort of Muslim assassination salary cap?"
Durst writes, "Al Gore hired himself some defense attorneys, which means he's trying to look as presidential as possible. Bill Clinton is most worried about the bizarre pattern of storm and high pressure known as the El Reno Effect."
Durst writes: "Ian Wilmut, a British researcher working at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland, cloned a sheep the other day, and people are flipping out like their morning coffee was spiked with major doses of primo Owsley acid. The purple kind. If you can clone a sheep, then all sorts of ethical questions lie in wait right around various similar looking corners, not the least of which is; will society be better off with hundreds of Heather Lockyears littering Hollywood Boulevard?"
Will Durst writes, "The Southern Baptist Convention has called for a boycott of the Disney Corporation because of their treatment of gays. Their gripe is that Disney is providing health benefits to partners of gay employees. The chutzpah! What kind of fiendish despotic villains would stoop to treating gay employees as humans?"
Durst says, "Former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders announced she's about to host a nationally syndicated talk show. I still can't figure out why she was fired. What did she say? First she said the legalization of drugs should be studied, because crime is 60% drug related. That's true. It didn't help her son got busted for selling cocaine. That was a bad PR dovetail."