Just when you thought it was safe to settle down with a tub of fried chicken the size of a sofa bed to watch the Olympics, now comes a sudden wave of the Bushqualms. According to one of the "a--holes" at the New York Times, high level supporters are worried Dubyah has recently seemed either "defensive, bumbling, weary, detached or peevish."
Why do 3rd party candidates actually spend the time and money and energy to run? Consider this: an Ebola Virus laden buffet at the Presidential debates at St. Louis University attended by both halves of the Republican and Democratic tickets. Could mean a fight to the finish between Nader and Buchanan.
"Maybe we've become too cynical. Maybe we're concentrating on the too too slight differences between the candidates and not enough on the similarities that make them leaders among men, and sons among Senators."
They're spraying the streets of the Midwest with out of control hoses to celebrate the price of gas dropping thirty four cents a gallon since the Feds announced they're going to investigate who or what is responsible for the rapid ascent in gas prices.
In his search for a running mate, George W Bush is sending out background questionnaires to prospects, which include such questions as: "Complete this statement. Women: A) Should be seen barefoot and pregnant but not heard, B) Are best served with lemon butter and capers, or C) Deserve to be executed just like normal people."
"Gas prices in Chicago have risen to around $2.15 a gallon. Add that to the rising cost of housing and you have to ask yourself: how long before the Tokyo Chamber of Commerce starts recruiting people to enjoy their lower cost of living?"
"This can't be good. The top three finishers in the 73rd Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee were all home schooled. Which means they do not go to public school, nor do they go to private school, but rather to the privatist of all schools."
"After relentlessly pursuing ABC on his daily radio show for weeks, Rush Limbaugh auditioned to become the new announcer on Monday Night Football. What a great idea. A stadium is much better suited to accommodating the ego of Jabba the Talk Show Host."
Durst writes: "Welcome to Clinton's summer getaway, Martha's Vineyard, where Bill plans to take the pulse of America amongst normal folks. Yeah, right! We're talking about an enclave where the talk around the pickle barrel includes comparative arguments about the chauffeur's dog's current psychotherapist."
Durst writes: "This Latrell Sprewell thing is getting all out of hand. Now it's a race thing. Which is similar to calling the Jesse Helms/ William Weld deal, an accent thing. No. The relationship between him and PJ Carlesimo was more complicated than that. Like San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown so impolitically said, 'Maybe the coach deserved to be choked.'"
Durst writes: "In an announcement with a staggering potential about on a par with Newt Gingrich declaring he's the new spokesperson for Slimfast, Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has formally ruled Vince Foster's death a suicide. Oh no."
Durst writes: "In honor of the Scottish cloning story, I figured I'd file the same piece I did yesterday, but I realized the only people who might find it funny would be me. I'm not sure I buy this sheep story anyway. Either a farmboy's wet dream or his worst nightmare. Besides, who pays that much attention to individual sheep?"
Durst writes, "It's one of the saddest and most unspoken side effects of the fall of the Berlin Wall: really stupid spies. The U.S. has spies that other countries would dismiss as bathroom attendants. In 1986, Aldrich Ames, a career CIA officer making 60 grand a year, tops, bought a half million dollar house with cash. Eight years later, the agency got suspicious. Who was in charge of internal security here? Stevie Wonder?"
Durst can't understand why Clinton wants to change the meat inspection system. He writes, "Detecting contaminated meat by giving it a quick smell as it whips by on a conveyor belt at what meat packing companies consider a reasonable speed sounds like a top notch method to me. Cheap too. Besides, can you think of a more effective way to get people to eat healthier than by throwing a wild card like a stack of E. coli burgers into fast food mix once in a while?"
Durst says, "Don't get me wrong. I'm no fan of Hooters' restaurants. Ate there twice. Both times I felt like I had felt someone up minus consent. And the wings were just okay. Didn't agree when Hooters waitresses sued, saying they knew the uniforms were provocative, but didn't expect the sexual harassment. The hell did they expect? True love? MacArthur grants?"