Stories by Will Durst

Just when you thought it was safe to settle down with a tub of fried chicken the size of a sofa bed to watch the Olympics, now comes a sudden wave of the Bushqualms. According to one of the "a--holes" at the New York Times, high level supporters are worried Dubyah has recently seemed either "defensive, bumbling, weary, detached or peevish."

The competition between Democratic and Repbulican nominating conventions is a lot like a baseball game, in which the party in power is the home team.

*When you see two guys in a stall together, they're exchanging stock tips. *Odds that women have shaved their legs is very high.

* "How To Speak Texican" airport book to figure out what the hell George W's Texas Ranger security detail is saying. * Scaffolding in case I get conscripted to groom Ted Koppel's hair.

The papers called reaction to Bush's speech to the NAACP Convention "luke warm," the same way they'd refer to the appearance of a volcano in the middle of pre school playground as "inconvenient."

Why do I keep imagining a remake of the Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Janet Reno as Mickey Mouse and Microsoft as the broom?

"It ain't easy being Green, but its a whole lot easier being a talking frog than it's going to be as Presidential nominee of the Green Party. As Ralph Nader is about to find out."

This year PBS held its annual national convention at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. Does this make the teensiest bit of sense to anybody?

"Gas prices in Chicago have risen to around $2.15 a gallon. Add that to the rising cost of housing and you have to ask yourself: how long before the Tokyo Chamber of Commerce starts recruiting people to enjoy their lower cost of living?"

Will Durst interprets the 10 Commandments of Politics, including, "There are no winners in politics. Only losers who haven't hit the Finish Line yet."

"After relentlessly pursuing ABC on his daily radio show for weeks, Rush Limbaugh auditioned to become the new announcer on Monday Night Football. What a great idea. A stadium is much better suited to accommodating the ego of Jabba the Talk Show Host."

A recent Supreme Court ruling about sex on cable TV means one simple thing: Boobies! All the time, anytime, of any day.

George W loves his new secret plan to save Social Security -- all the excitement of taking a stand without any of the messy details.

The Actors Guild just announced its first strike in 12 years. Pretty funny, coming from a group of people who face a 95 percent unemployment rate.

"What They Say: The crash of the F-16 was caused by engine failure. What They Mean: That's what happens when anti aircraft artillery hits an engine; it fails."

Durst writes: "Welcome to Clinton's summer getaway, Martha's Vineyard, where Bill plans to take the pulse of America amongst normal folks. Yeah, right! We're talking about an enclave where the talk around the pickle barrel includes comparative arguments about the chauffeur's dog's current psychotherapist."

Durst writes: "This Latrell Sprewell thing is getting all out of hand. Now it's a race thing. Which is similar to calling the Jesse Helms/ William Weld deal, an accent thing. No. The relationship between him and PJ Carlesimo was more complicated than that. Like San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown so impolitically said, 'Maybe the coach deserved to be choked.'"

Durst writes: "In honor of the Scottish cloning story, I figured I'd file the same piece I did yesterday, but I realized the only people who might find it funny would be me. I'm not sure I buy this sheep story anyway. Either a farmboy's wet dream or his worst nightmare. Besides, who pays that much attention to individual sheep?"

Durst can't understand why Clinton wants to change the meat inspection system. He writes, "Detecting contaminated meat by giving it a quick smell as it whips by on a conveyor belt at what meat packing companies consider a reasonable speed sounds like a top notch method to me. Cheap too. Besides, can you think of a more effective way to get people to eat healthier than by throwing a wild card like a stack of E. coli burgers into fast food mix once in a while?"