Stories by Will Durst

Poor Kenneth Lay. Just this time last year he was riding higher than bacteria on a gnat inside the ear of a giraffe with a hyperactive pituitary.

It's that weird time of the year where we estimate how much our friends and family care for us, translate that into a dollar amount and meet the challenge dead on by purchasing presents.

The challenge is terrorism. The answer is a 20% Patriots Sale(tm) on everything in the store! Not including video games or consoles.

As the economy tanks, its time to eliminate some of the fat. I suggest starting with coffee shops that market their own CDs, those *$#&!ing smiley faces and Bill Gates.

"We're shooting off laser-guided smart bombs and ready to eat ethnically sensitive pre-packaged meals at the same time. Is this sending mixed messages?" and other great questions.

Before his 35 day vacation, Bush had spent one month at his ranch and 38 days at Camp David. So that means, since being on the job, he's actually been at work, what, about a week?

Now that China is hosting the 2008 Olympics, the nominations for mascot are rolling in. How about "Blim Blim: the Re-educated Panda" or "Buzzy: the Red Bullet of Righteousness?"

History: C -- Confused Ancient History with Modern History. Attidue: S -- Works well with others. Little Jimmy Jeffords excepted. $300 per person buyoff didn't hurt.

George W. Bush is on his way to Europe. Fortunately, the Republicans have prepared a book to brief him.

The Problem: Spy plane secrets stolen by China. The Brightside: Maybe they'll go bankrupt after paying $600 for hammers and $2000 for toilet seats.

What They Say: We provide the best and most economical service possible to our valued energy consumers. What They Mean: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Cha ching! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Q. So the Shrub has been President for approximately 100 days and the consensus is ...?<br> A. Excepting his frequent dips into the tar pit of toxic love, he isn't regarded to have done too badly.

The only thing sadder than the current crop of Democrats crawling on their bellies like spine-damaged weasel toads mewing for total strangers to spoon feed them milk in the dark, is Thai food in Arkansas. But let's look on the brightside ...

Business is commonly conducted between the hours of 8:00 am and 5:00 pm. But if you're actually serious about getting a deal done, avoid early mornings, the hours immediately following lunch, Mondays and Fridays. Best results can be achieved Tuesdays through Thursdays between 10:00 am and noon.

Tips for Conserving Calfornia's Energy: * Hook up an exercising bicycle to the TV. Then, whoever wants to watch a particular program has to provide the power. This could work with the VCR, microwave and hair dryer as well.

Usually George writes the annual holiday letter, but with all those resumes piling up on his desk (and a few FBI files too... just kidding!) he asked if I'd do it.

The amazing thing is a month later and we still don't know whether to order donkey or elephant frosting for the Inaugural Ball cakes.

"We stole this election fair and square, and if the shoe were on the other foot, we'd just pack up and go home like good little boys and girls."

Not New York, New York, that's all I ask. Grapefruit spoons in my eyes, leaded paint chips under my fingernails, but not Mets versus Yankees.