Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh” and calendar of personal appearances. subscribe to Will Durst's feed

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"The most hated woman in America, Linda Tripp, got a new job as a public affairs specialist. Did you get that? Public affairs specialist!"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Big tobacco companies say they're worried about Project Head Start. Give me a break. That's like a guy who makes his living dumping toxic waste into a river getting all worried about the little tadpoles."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Say what you will about those wacky Indians, they just proved they possess International cajones the size of The Great Barrier Reef by joining the We Can Really Screw Things Up Big Time Club."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "The current slight of hand the Clinton administration is busy busy busy distracting us with, is maintaining it has the right to attack Iraq in order to force Saddam Hussein to open sites to weapons inspectors based on Security Council resolutions. And also because we're way bigger and we've done it before. The unwritten 'Big Dog' chapter of the New World Order."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "So, here I am on the fabled Information Superhighway. It'll be easy to recognize me; just look for the grease spot behind the overturned big rig. Road kill in the bread down lane. For crum's sake you guys, I don't watch the 50 channels I have now. The hell am I supposed to do with 500!?! "

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Today, Newt Gingrich will probably be the first Republican in 60-plus years to be re-elected to the post of Speaker of the House, and to be perfectly honest, the Democrats aren't exactly crying in their beer. For one thing, compared to the guys who might replace him, the Evil Dough Boy is a freakin moderate. His obvious successor, Dick Armey -- just a little to the right of Attilla the Hun -- would declare open season on Democrats starting with another deer in the headlights on the character highway: Bill Clinton."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The big political news is the deep debate over the debate about the debates. Yes, it seems Dole and Clinton have gotten so woundup, they can't even decide how to disagree."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst is trying to find the brightside of Pat Buchanan becoming president: "He wouldn't have to build that fence he keeps talking about because both Mexico and Canada would build fifty foot walls of broken glass tipped razor wire to control our emigrants."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst on lying your way out of a political mess, "First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries. It's true, Washington just doesn't get it. The secret seems pretty easy to me. So here is your Will Durst Handy Hints to scamming your way through."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Here's an idea. Maybe George W really doesn't know if he did cocaine or not. Maybe he was so cranked out of his mind for such a long time, he simply can't remember."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"There are a few things you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear in this year's Masters tourney. Like, 'Look at this consistency: 7... 7... 7...'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "The US Government is conducting a study of the Y2K, the year 2000 computer bug. What do you want to bet the study is going to take three years?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Trailer courts. God hates them. I don't know why. Tornadoes. Mudslides. Hurricanes. Earthquakes ... You name it. God hits them with it. All over the world."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford rumors in response."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "According to 'Talkers' magazine, the trade mag of talk radio, 'politics' doesn't work anymore. Americans apparently tired again of listening to the Washington edition of the Bickersons. I blame Bob Dole. Anybody trying to light a fire off the spark of last year's Presidential election is going to end up flopping around gasping for breath like a guppy on the linoleum floor of a Woolworth's pet aisle. I've seen more exciting hedge trimmings."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The television industry, which is to say a group of people with the instincts and morals of steroid poisoned ferrets in heat, has decided to pre-empt Congress and police itself with a ratings system of its own design. Oh, yeah. That's going to work. Next we can put sharks in charge of salmon hatchery security. Appoint Charles Keating as civilian chairman of the House Banking Oversight Committee."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Well, we've narrowed it down. Either Bob Dole intends to launch an all out attack on California or not. Chances are he's going to ditch our state faster than a Disney employee with a cigarette when old big ears turns the corner. Or then again, maybe he plans on pouring 80 percent of every cent he raises in these last three weeks into it. Yeah, right, and maybe the meat of Madagascar hissing cockroaches will take over as America's favorite taco filling."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Bob Dole is blaming Clinton for gas prices rising 14 percent in the last 13 weeks. He wants to repeal Clinton's gas tax, ignoring the fact that he voted for even higher gas taxes earlier on. Durst writes; "He is the ultimate grandparent. One of those, 'do as I say, not as I do' kind of guys."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "Didn't know how I felt about the Million Man March until I heard that Newt Gingrich was dead set against it. So now I support it, but fervently hope Mr. Farrakhan's diarrhea of the mouth migrates south and incapacitates him all day."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst rewrites the Christian story of Christmas, this time with a modern twist.

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"I think I've come up with a title for the Democratic Primary: 'Valium Thunderdome.' So I guess we need a title for the Republican Primary. How about: 'Chameleonic Toads on Ice With Results.'"

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, Republican contender Jack E. Robinson III has issued an 11 page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on ... himself. "

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"'Once again its time to play; 'Who's The Bigot?' When Governor Bush recently spoke at Bob Jones University, who'd he defame more: A. Jews. B. Blacks. C. Catholics. D. Canadians?"

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Al Gore simply favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W says he wants to strengthen it. What the hell does that mean? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs?"

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Here we are, in year 13 of the Elian standoff, and the little tyke of offshore rescue fame still has his own TV channel and 207 official websites."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"According to scientists at the German University of Ulm, men have better hypocampuses than women, which makes us better navigators, with a much more developed sense of direction. And there you were swearing you could hear the shrinking of our genitals over the unfolding of every map."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Q. How long is your average commute to work? A. Eighteen hours. Three bridges, four buses, two shuttles, a rickshaw and then I get dragged by a team of diseased goats for the last block."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"'Hey, leap day is coming! Leap day is coming!' Then it came. No candy. No presents. No nothing. Not even green beer."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Vito Seskunas of Baltimore was skiing in the back country of Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park when he broke his ankle, then slid and crawled 5 miles over three days to reach help. You know, you never hear of stuff like this happening to people going to the multiplex."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Hello, my name is Christian Connor. I am six years old, and I am seeking asylum -- in Paris, where they have chocolate crescent rolls as big as my head."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"George W and John McCain probably share the same loving alliance that bonds Bradley and Gore. Not to mention what Reagan and Bush felt for each other and Kennedy and Johnson too. Strange Bedfellows, my ass. This is more like Alien Shipmates."

Posted on: Mar 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?"

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