Durst writes: "Big tobacco companies say they're worried about Project Head Start. Give me a break. That's like a guy who makes his living dumping toxic waste into a river getting all worried about the little tadpoles."
Durst writes: "Say what you will about those wacky Indians, they just proved they possess International cajones the size of The Great Barrier Reef by joining the We Can Really Screw Things Up Big Time Club."
Durst writes: "The current slight of hand the Clinton administration is busy busy busy distracting us with, is maintaining it has the right to attack Iraq in order to force Saddam Hussein to open sites to weapons inspectors based on Security Council resolutions. And also because we're way bigger and we've done it before. The unwritten 'Big Dog' chapter of the New World Order."
Durst writes: "October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix."
Durst writes, "So, here I am on the fabled Information Superhighway. It'll be easy to recognize me; just look for the grease spot behind the overturned big rig. Road kill in the bread down lane. For crum's sake you guys, I don't watch the 50 channels I have now. The hell am I supposed to do with 500!?! "
Durst writes, "Today, Newt Gingrich will probably be the first Republican in 60-plus years to be re-elected to the post of Speaker of the House, and to be perfectly honest, the Democrats aren't exactly crying in their beer. For one thing, compared to the guys who might replace him, the Evil Dough Boy is a freakin moderate. His obvious successor, Dick Armey -- just a little to the right of Attilla the Hun -- would declare open season on Democrats starting with another deer in the headlights on the character highway: Bill Clinton."
Durst is trying to find the brightside of Pat Buchanan becoming president: "He wouldn't have to build that fence he keeps talking about because both Mexico and Canada would build fifty foot walls of broken glass tipped razor wire to control our emigrants."
Will Durst on lying your way out of a political mess, "First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries. It's true, Washington just doesn't get it. The secret seems pretty easy to me. So here is your Will Durst Handy Hints to scamming your way through."
"In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized."
Durst writes, "You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford rumors in response."
Durst writes: "According to 'Talkers' magazine, the trade mag of talk radio, 'politics' doesn't work anymore. Americans apparently tired again of listening to the Washington edition of the Bickersons. I blame Bob Dole. Anybody trying to light a fire off the spark of last year's Presidential election is going to end up flopping around gasping for breath like a guppy on the linoleum floor of a Woolworth's pet aisle. I've seen more exciting hedge trimmings."
Durst writes, "The television industry, which is to say a group of people with the instincts and morals of steroid poisoned ferrets in heat, has decided to pre-empt Congress and police itself with a ratings system of its own design. Oh, yeah. That's going to work. Next we can put sharks in charge of salmon hatchery security. Appoint Charles Keating as civilian chairman of the House Banking Oversight Committee."
Durst writes, "Well, we've narrowed it down. Either Bob Dole intends to launch an all out attack on California or not. Chances are he's going to ditch our state faster than a Disney employee with a cigarette when old big ears turns the corner. Or then again, maybe he plans on pouring 80 percent of every cent he raises in these last three weeks into it. Yeah, right, and maybe the meat of Madagascar hissing cockroaches will take over as America's favorite taco filling."
Bob Dole is blaming Clinton for gas prices rising 14 percent in the last 13 weeks. He wants to repeal Clinton's gas tax, ignoring the fact that he voted for even higher gas taxes earlier on. Durst writes; "He is the ultimate grandparent. One of those, 'do as I say, not as I do' kind of guys."
Durst says, "Didn't know how I felt about the Million Man March until I heard that Newt Gingrich was dead set against it. So now I support it, but fervently hope Mr. Farrakhan's diarrhea of the mouth migrates south and incapacitates him all day."
"In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, Republican contender Jack E. Robinson III has issued an 11 page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on ... himself. "
"Al Gore simply favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W says he wants to strengthen it. What the hell does that mean? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs?"
"According to scientists at the German University of Ulm, men have better hypocampuses than women, which makes us better navigators, with a much more developed sense of direction. And there you were swearing you could hear the shrinking of our genitals over the unfolding of every map."
"Vito Seskunas of Baltimore was skiing in the back country of Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park when he broke his ankle, then slid and crawled 5 miles over three days to reach help. You know, you never hear of stuff like this happening to people going to the multiplex."
"George W and John McCain probably share the same loving alliance that bonds Bradley and Gore. Not to mention what Reagan and Bush felt for each other and Kennedy and Johnson too. Strange Bedfellows, my ass. This is more like Alien Shipmates."
"Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?"