Durst writes: "Hey guys, this is Durst with your Alan Greenspan watch. Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly burped yesterday, sending shivers through Wall Street that nearly brought down several International commodities exchanges. This was immediately after his dinner companions at the upscale Midtown Manhattan Benningan's restaurant seemed disappointed in the size of their portions, but Greenspan just grunted, which was interpreted as perhaps indicative that lowered expectations are the wave of the future."
Durst writes: "Another study concerning violence on television has been released and the surprising conclusion is that violence on television is bad, and the majorest bad guy is, once again, us. For watching. Of course this report was broadcast on the same news program that featured tape from the carnage caused by a suicide bomb explosion in Jerusalem. Obviously the work of some Beavis & Butthead Satellite aficionado."
Durst writes: "I'm sick and tired of having normal people represented by Hollywood as nothing more than brain dead bigoted bloaty globs of cellulite incapable of communicating through anything more complicated than a rude series of grunts and belches. Boy, they sure seem to cater to us when they want our money. 'Heartbeat of America' my butt."
Durst writes, "During the Gulf War, U.S. commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic clouds. That must have been one hell of a briefing."
Durst says, "So the only way Dole can lose the nomination is for him to be photographed at a Satanic cult ritual testimonial carcass littered dinner table and since Pat Buchanan is his only competition, it wouldn't matter, because he's probably be the recording secretary."
Durst on the congressional response to needle exchange, "Do these self righteous hogs also believe shot glasses cause alcoholism? That makes sense. Everyone knows forks are the real cause of obesity. All you got to do is build a bonfire from alligator briefcases and you conquer greed. Want to stem teenage pregnancy? Easy answer: ban milkshakes."
"As damage control, George II is supposedly calling major donors and party stalwarts to let them know although the ship may be have a tiny hole, its still full speed ahead. Sounds to me like the same plight the S.S. Minnow experienced. And that was a mere three hour tour."
"The manufacturer of Beanie Babies announced the entire collection will be retired at the end of the year. Even though he shares their cuddly nature, it is not expected this action will affect Strom Thurmond."
Durst writes: "Americans don't understand any sport that doesn't involve eighth of a ton, no-neck, brain-dead behemoth pieces of premium beef tearing each other apart like the last hamburger at a mad dog picnic. And after all, in soccer, that's the fans' job."
Durst writes: "Speaking of China. Jiang Zemin compares the Chinese treatment of Tibet to Lincoln emancipating the slaves. The only difference being Lincoln ended a rein of brutal repression and the Chinese started one. Don King got robbed at gunpoint in Mexico. Now he probably knows how pay per view boxing fans feel after a first round knock out."
Durst writes: "The defense for Louise Woodward said the strategic decision to let the jury consider only a first or second degree murder charge in the death of 8 month old Matthew Eappen now 'can be seen as a mistake,' and they want the judge to consider a manslaughter charge that they earlier eshewed. Get it: they want take-backs."
Durst writes: "I don't know about you, but whenever I see newlyweds prancing around with their boundless energy, thick hair and firm thighs, I actually feel sorry for them. It's going to take years before they have the slightest inkling of what's going on."
Durst writes, "The weekend gross for the reissue of 'Star Wars' with four and a half new minutes was $36.2 million according to studio estimates. A figure to be taken with a grain of salt the size of Mount St. Helens since studio accountants can prove 'Jurassic Park' never made a cent... Of course, since Hollywood is responsible for the phenomena of rushing to where lightning last struck, we would be foolish not to expect many more digitally altered 20-year-old classics and not so classics to hit the big screen this year. Here are some of my theories of what to expect.
Durst writes, "We got mutated frogs, people. It started in Minnesota, then Wisconsin, now they're seeing them in Texas. The amphibians in question are missing minor accouterments such as legs, and eyes and pretty much have all the genetic stability of Robert Downey, Jr. in a liquor distributor's warehouse. The frogs are important because many scientists think that our slimy green pond brethren can tell the future by being susceptible to diseases that will bedevil us bipeds down the line."
Bill Clinton is now sucking up to the religious right by speaking against same-sex marriages. Will Durst thinks that this is silly. Everyone, straight or gay, should know the joys of marriage -- and divorce.
Durst says, "A University of Massachusetts anesthesiologist has figured out how to grow a human ear on the back of a mouse. Well, its about time. I can't tell you how many times I've been talking to my wife and bemoaned the fact that human ears just weren't appearing on the backs of mice like I imagined they would be growing up."
"According to scientists at the German University of Ulm, men have better hypocampuses than women, which makes us better navigators, with a much more developed sense of direction. And there you were swearing you could hear the shrinking of our genitals over the unfolding of every map."
"Vito Seskunas of Baltimore was skiing in the back country of Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park when he broke his ankle, then slid and crawled 5 miles over three days to reach help. You know, you never hear of stuff like this happening to people going to the multiplex."
"George W and John McCain probably share the same loving alliance that bonds Bradley and Gore. Not to mention what Reagan and Bush felt for each other and Kennedy and Johnson too. Strange Bedfellows, my ass. This is more like Alien Shipmates."
"Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?"
"In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, Republican contender Jack E. Robinson III has issued an 11 page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on ... himself. "
"Al Gore simply favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W says he wants to strengthen it. What the hell does that mean? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs?"