Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG."
The Senate voted to discuss their opinions on dismissing the impeachment case behind closed doors. Of course as we all know, Senate rule 29 makes it an expulsionary offense to reveal what was said when the big boys and girls of Congress let their hair down. After a couple of discreet cash transactions, we are proud to be able to reveal exactly what was said without fear of expulsion since we aren't a big time Senator.
Durst writes: "Now that Inflato Boy has finally broken Maris' record, every yellow-blooded journalist worth his carpal tunnel syndrome is babbling incessantly about this groundskeeper guy who retrieved the ball and then just gave it to McGwire for zip, zero, nada, nothing. Not even a signed, empty 55-gallon drum of Androstenedione."
Durst writes: "Despite studies that show more younger kids are trying marijuana than ever before, Baby Boomer parents apparently don't think their kids are involved. I love this. They underestimated the availability of pot and whether their children's friends were smoking it. Probably think because they lost all their connections, they don't exist anymore."
Durst writes: "Wisconsin. The heart of the Midwest. Although technically, it's in the Mideast, but that name was already taken, and I'm guessing we weren't willing to fight for it. The overriding philosophy of the Midwest is 'don't rock the boat.' What they neglect to tell you is there's no damn water in the pond. You can get out and walk to shore if you wish."
Durst writes: "Okay, buckle up me boyos, because I'm going to lay a heavy weird one on you here. Billie Jean Matay, former mousketeer "Billie" in the troupe that performed at Disneyland's opening in 1955 says an armed man stuck a gun in her neck recently in the Happiest Place on Earth's parking lot and took her money and jewelry."
Durst writes, "Responding to new estimates that Disney's golden parachute for Mike Ovitz will peak out at $140 million including stock options, employees of the Mouse are organizing demonstrations protesting the buyout. These are not what you call the Happiest Employees on Earth here. Understandably."
Durst writes, "You knew this was going to happen. There's a pot party raging on Capitol Hill. The U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a summit on the two states, California and Arizona, that have legalized medicinal marijuana, and is desperately trying to develop a strategy to step up enforcement of federal marijuana laws. God forbid the United States allow the peoples' will to stand sans Congressional supervision without setting a dangerous precedent."
Will Durst had hoped Bob Dole had gone away, but, Durst writes, "Heee's Baaack! In a twist of fate as surprising as middle aged white guys opposing affirmative action, this summer's hottest sequel features the grisly spectacle of a lonely old man fighting incredible odds in his battle against the social aliens of America's Babylon."
"The Republican Party gritted its teeth so hard, they actually drew gum blood when endorsing San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown's re-election bid. Must have been similar to the excitement a family of cobras feels while puffing up hoods to elect a mongoose to watch over their nest."
"The NAACP is threatening to sue the major television networks because not one of their twenty six new shows premiering this fall features a minority star. But the NAACP must have been misinformed. Asians are constantly popping up as rickshaw drivers and launderers in Martial Law, and aren't there plenty of wacky Puerto Ricans garbling English as various restaurant workers in Friends?"
Durst writes: "Some people have been calling the airlines demanding the elimination of peanuts because of their allergies. Now the airline companies, which are so sensitive to the threat of lawsuits they can smell a lawyer's fingerprints on a press release, have said they can't guarantee peanut-free flights. They counsel people to take early flights when nobody serves anything, or switch to another carrier like American, which is pretzel territory."
Durst writes: "John Glenn has received the go-ahead to return to space on the shuttle Discovery this fall. If it happens, Glenn, at 77, the first American to orbit the Earth in a Mercury 7 capsule back in 1962, would also become the oldest man in space -- after Timothy Leary, that is."