"Estimates say that 25 to 40 percent of bottled water is just repackaged municipal tap water. 'Pure as an alpine spring,' as long as you understand that spring might be runoff from a toxic waste dump laced with arsenic."
Durst writes: "The IRS is under Congressional mandate to become less like the Spanish Inquisition and more ... well, cuddly. And to be honest, it's having a harder time than Dan Quayle with his MENSA membership application. "
Durst writes: "The Unabomber Journals have been released to the general public, and surprisingly it turns out Ted Kaczynski was more twisted than your average rock and roll drummer after a two week gig in Amsterdam. Who knew?"
Durst writes: "The networks released next season's schedules and they have cleverly put themselves in danger of neither breaking new ground or setting the bar too high. Ooh, those sly ones. One will never be able to accuse them of having failed to fulfill high expectations."
Durst on why The Green Bay Packers are our new America's Team: "The Packers are literally owned by the small Wisconsin town and this has woven a whole 1930's fairy tale quality around it. We're talking Civic Pride so far off the Richter scale it threatens sensitive seismological readings in subterranean Japanese caves."
Durst writes, "Soccer Moms are the big demographic buzz word this year. Which I guess is supposed to be middle-aged white suburban housewives. Some kind of racist thing implying minorities don't play soccer. Bocce Ball Moms probably don't carry that much weight. Both parties are courting this constituency like a nerd trying to con a cheerleader into attending the senior prom. This has produced the uneasy spectacle of Bob Dole appearing without a tie and his shirt undone. Can't wait for the gold medallion to emerge."
Now let me get this straight, the City of Los Altos, California school district has banned Halloween observations on religious grounds. What religious grounds? Are they concerned the distribution of free candy is just phase one of a clever Druid recruitment program? What about trees? The Druids worshipped them. Is that what the timber companies are trying to accomplish with their policy of clearcutting; religious freedom? Perhaps the Los Altans are worried Halloween is a gateway holiday. Sure, if we don't maintain an eternal vigilance, kids will sneak off to dark alleys sacrificing goats for Saturnalia. Until they eventually become Republicans and are willing to sacrifice the elderly for tax cuts. Well, how bout Thanksgiving. Just who do you suppose they were giving thanks to? And picnics? Aren't they another feeding ritual meant to honor the Sun God Ra? Obviously the next target in the sites of the thought police will come in Spring. That's right, the Easter Bunny is going to end up roasted on a cafeteria spit and served with mint jelly to prove to kids that colored eggs and chocolate duckies have no place in public schools. A lot like fun. ###
"One potential election folly: At some time during a campaign a staffer will let it slip he thinks Hitler was misunderstood. Not Hitler himself, but his motives. Only in the Pat Buchanan campaign will it turn out to actually be the candidate."
"The State of Louisiana can't get rid their swamp rat problem, so in the great American tradition of making lemonade when you have lemons, they're trying to market it. All they really need is a decent ad campaign and I'm here to help..."
Durst writes: "When he bombed terrorist bases in Afganistan and Sudan, Clinton claimed he was trying to pre-empt other terrorist attacks and had 'compelling information they were planning additional' ones. Of which I have no doubt. I'm just wondering which maniacal despot he's talking about: Osama bin Laden, or Kenneth Starr."
Durst writes: "Due to the fact that thousands of girls barely bigger than the family sized tub of popcorn have seen it so many times, memorizing which way the individual drops of water move, the movie 'Titanic' has become the largest grossing picture in history. Now you can say many things about Hollywood executives but you can't call them stupid."
Durst writes, "Had an awkward moment at the first Bulls Knicks game. It seems Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert showed up in the same dress. Gennifer Flowers is going to testify at the Paula Jones trial, and you know Clinton can be thinking of only one thing: threesome."
Durst writes: "The stock market hit 8000 the other day and shares of Microsoft led the rally with a gain of $9.97 to close at $148.44, pushing the Redmond, Wash.- based software giant ahead of Coca-Cola to become the second most valuable company in the nation behind General Electric. Bill Gates, also affectionately known as Chairman Bill, Mr. Vaporware and the Gnome Without a Comb, owns 23.7 percent of Microsoft, thus pocketing a cool $2.8 billion for one day's non work. I've heard of making a killing in the stock market, but this would have to qualify as genocide."
Durst writes: "Happy National Asteroid Awareness week everybody! You've probably seen the fabulous NBC mini-series, of which internal promotions cried: 'Critics call it Unbelievable!' You can't make stuff up like this. God, the special effects were so cheesy, I'm surprised they didn't Fed Ex a box of crackers to every home in America to watch it with."
Durst says: "Reportedly, Yitzhak Rabin's assassin was a 27-year-old law student who was part of a right wing anti-Middle East peace splinter group. The hell is going on? Who signs up to join an anti-peace splinter group? People who graduate from a puppy torture seminar?"
Comic Will Durst on the latest for Dr. Death: "The landlord is trying to close down Dr. Kevorkian's clinic. Didn't know what it was going to be used for. Yeah, right, like Jack Kevorkian is going to open the world's most unusual electrical supplies shop."
"Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?"
"In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, Republican contender Jack E. Robinson III has issued an 11 page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on ... himself. "
"Al Gore simply favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W says he wants to strengthen it. What the hell does that mean? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs?"
"According to scientists at the German University of Ulm, men have better hypocampuses than women, which makes us better navigators, with a much more developed sense of direction. And there you were swearing you could hear the shrinking of our genitals over the unfolding of every map."
"Vito Seskunas of Baltimore was skiing in the back country of Wyoming's Grand Teton National Park when he broke his ankle, then slid and crawled 5 miles over three days to reach help. You know, you never hear of stuff like this happening to people going to the multiplex."
"George W and John McCain probably share the same loving alliance that bonds Bradley and Gore. Not to mention what Reagan and Bush felt for each other and Kennedy and Johnson too. Strange Bedfellows, my ass. This is more like Alien Shipmates."