Stories by Will Durst

Durst writes: "I'm sick and tired of having normal people represented by Hollywood as nothing more than brain dead bigoted bloaty globs of cellulite incapable of communicating through anything more complicated than a rude series of grunts and belches. Boy, they sure seem to cater to us when they want our money. 'Heartbeat of America' my butt."

Durst says, "So the only way Dole can lose the nomination is for him to be photographed at a Satanic cult ritual testimonial carcass littered dinner table and since Pat Buchanan is his only competition, it wouldn't matter, because he's probably be the recording secretary."

"As damage control, George II is supposedly calling major donors and party stalwarts to let them know although the ship may be have a tiny hole, its still full speed ahead. Sounds to me like the same plight the S.S. Minnow experienced. And that was a mere three hour tour."

"Something you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear on the pro tour: 'Oh great. Didn't make it past the ladies tee again. Who's got the sunblock?'"

Durst writes: "Americans don't understand any sport that doesn't involve eighth of a ton, no-neck, brain-dead behemoth pieces of premium beef tearing each other apart like the last hamburger at a mad dog picnic. And after all, in soccer, that's the fans' job."

Durst writes: "The defense for Louise Woodward said the strategic decision to let the jury consider only a first or second degree murder charge in the death of 8 month old Matthew Eappen now 'can be seen as a mistake,' and they want the judge to consider a manslaughter charge that they earlier eshewed. Get it: they want take-backs."

Durst writes, "The weekend gross for the reissue of 'Star Wars' with four and a half new minutes was $36.2 million according to studio estimates. A figure to be taken with a grain of salt the size of Mount St. Helens since studio accountants can prove 'Jurassic Park' never made a cent... Of course, since Hollywood is responsible for the phenomena of rushing to where lightning last struck, we would be foolish not to expect many more digitally altered 20-year-old classics and not so classics to hit the big screen this year. Here are some of my theories of what to expect.

Bill Clinton is now sucking up to the religious right by speaking against same-sex marriages. Will Durst thinks that this is silly. Everyone, straight or gay, should know the joys of marriage -- and divorce.

"According to scientists at the German University of Ulm, men have better hypocampuses than women, which makes us better navigators, with a much more developed sense of direction. And there you were swearing you could hear the shrinking of our genitals over the unfolding of every map."

"'Hey, leap day is coming! Leap day is coming!' Then it came. No candy. No presents. No nothing. Not even green beer."

"Hello, my name is Christian Connor. I am six years old, and I am seeking asylum -- in Paris, where they have chocolate crescent rolls as big as my head."

"Why do I have this sneaking suspicion that if a judge ruled Elian Gonzales should be sliced in half with both Miami and Cuba receiving equal portions, both parties would scramble over their mothers in baseball cleats to sign the custody agreement?"

"In Boston, attempting to unseat 37-year Democratic Senate veteran Edward Kennedy, Republican contender Jack E. Robinson III has issued an 11 page report detailing all the dirt he and his staff could dig up on ... himself. "

"Al Gore simply favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W says he wants to strengthen it. What the hell does that mean? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs?"