Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG." subscribe to Will Durst's feed

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "I don't care if the President of the United States videotapes himself dressed up like Shirley Temple lip-syncing "Good Ship Lollipop." I don't care if he sneaks out at night clad in nothing but a thin layer of petroleum jelly and stiletto heels and aerates the South Lawn."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "This whole Viagra thing is getting out of hand. So to speak. The San Francisco Chronicle featured the headline ... 'Viagra: Big And Getting Bigger.' And Newsweek followed with 'Rising To The Occasion.' Can't wait for George Magazine to follow up with, 'I Got Your Executive Privilege Right Here.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Will Durst writes: "I trust the post office. I trust Regis, but not Kathi Lee. I trust tug boat pilots. I trust one armed security guards, but not if they wear a gun."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "When the shadow of Autumn Equinox looms larger than the hair growing out of the mole of the cafeteria lady's nose, it's time to think of school. Every screaming runny nosed child running around with someone else's money is back. Including Congress, and how apropos of them to call their summer vacation a recess."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The mass suicide in the rented mansion of Rancho Sante Fe by the members of the Heaven's Gate Cult is a horrible, horrible tragedy, but not without its amusing aspects. For instance, it has been reported the first fifteen killed themselves, then those still alive cleaned up. Then the next 15 committed suicide, then they were cleaned up, and another seven went and the last two cleaned up after them, then killed themselves. Either these are the neatest flippo units in the history of the planet, or a very frugal flock obsessed with not losing their cleaning deposit."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "An independent commission appointed by Congress reported that the government is overstating the inflation rate, and proposes to change the formula used to arrive at the Consumer Price Index. This will result in smaller CPI increases in Social Security payments along with other retirement and benefit programs, as well as raise taxes by the reduction of annual inflation increases in standard deductions and personal exemptions."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst writes, "Although we may have hit the consuming wall, I'm sure its just a phase we're going through, and it won't be long before our existence will not worth living unless we own infrared cellular Internet goggles so we can access the Beavis and Butthead website while jogging."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst on the Hillary question: "It isn't the budget bills that Washington is all atwitter over, but the Battle of the Bills. Safire vs. Clinton. We haven't seen this kind of raw excitement since Tyson vs. McNeeley." ALSO: On the Iowa Caucus Durst says the Republican candidates are having a hard time addressing the question 'what is wrong with the political system.' "And as hard as they try; 'Because Hillary Clinton is a Bitch' is not reason enough. Unless you're a member of Newt Gingrich's immediate family that is."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "Yes friends, your worst nightmare has come true. Its Ears 2: The Return. This is the guy who quit the race in '92, allegedly because the Republican Dirty Tricks Squad was going to disrupt his daughter's wedding. Which always made me wonder; how do you disrupt a Texas wedding? Do you back the pickups too close to the sheep spit? Force the bridesmaids to wear attractive dresses? Replace all that good picante sauce with that kind from New York City?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Trump vows to spend $100 million to get the Reform Party Nomination, while Buchanan vows to send his sister to every state if he has to. The two do have things in common. Both are opposed to the World Trade Organization; both think special interests wield too much control and both are about as electable as Marilyn Manson after he gets that one breast attached to his torso."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"When a new report revealed that 87 percent of doctors are frustrated with HMOs, the HMO industry reacted with such slippery doublespeak that they sounded like they were beaming about the report. That's kinda like a bunch of fat lazy cobras welcoming the arrival of a division of mongoose SWAT teams."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Governor would like to thank everyone for their strong indication of either boredom or support in showing up here today. I know you're anticipating an announcement and I'm happy to say your expectation may or may not be realized."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Latrell Sprewell, who was suspended by the NBA for 68 games for choking his coach like a circus chicken, is suing his agent Arn Tellem for failing to negotiate a salary protection clause in his contract with the Golden State Warriors. Apparently there was no clause calling for an annual psychiatric study either."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Nike has announced reforms in its Asian factories. Wonder if this means they're going to discontinue the 'take your parents to work' day."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "The Republicans are taking a well deserved breather from the rigors of the Washington sex wars for another shot at changing the name of Washington's National Airport to Ronald Reagan Airport just in time for the Gipper's 87th birthday on Friday. And wouldn't we all like an airport named after us as the perfect birthday gift. Okay, well wouldn't a few of us?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "There are two kinds of people in the world. Those of us who split the world into two kinds of people and those who don't. Since I'm one of the former, here's more examples."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Now lets get this straight. I'm a carnivore. I like cheeseburgers. Mmm, mmm. Greasy meat slabs inside of wheat foam covered with congealed cow juice. I'm happy. Don't get me wrong, I respect vegetarians. I hate sproutheads. You know from sproutheads? Severe vegetarians? The kind of people who see 'auras, oh wow.' I think people who see 'auras' are experiencing the first stages of 'glaucoma, oh wow.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "House Speaker Newt Gingrich is about to get his wrist slapped with a loosely packed goose down pillow covered in velvet. The Congressional Ethics Committee, one of the more creative oxymorons currently in use (guaranteed pension and McDonald's nutritional chart are others of note), has charged the Newtmeister with providing it with 'inaccurate, incomplete and unreliable information,' or in layman's terms: 'liar, liar, pants on fire.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "H. Ross Perot, the Texas weaselette, crawled out from under another rock this week, and when asked if he was in the race merely as a spoiler, argued, 'It was already spoiled when I started.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "It doesn't matter who runs this country. A manic depressive anthrax ridden Galapagos Turtle with the sense of humor of a median strip -- but let's leave Pat Buchanan for another day shall we."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst on Wilson, "There goes that wacky Pete Wilson again. This guy is to ambition what the Antarctic is to ice cubes. He'd hand out shrink wrapped hickory smoked slices of his own mother if he thought it meant a vote."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Everybody has their panties all atwitter because CBS digitally altered the background of a couple of newscasts to replace a competing background logo with theirs. 'What about our sacred journalistic integrity?' What about it? What about when every reporter in the Persian Gulf rolled over like a troupe of trained Pomeranians with pretty pink bows in their hair during the war?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Libya's Moammar Qaadafi is looking for a public relations agency to improve his image. So I devised a couple advertising campaigns to turn the Q man into a cuddly international pooh bear ...."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Q. What does NATO call the bombing? A. Humanitarian Intervention, which makes it sound like a bunch of us are going over to his house to try and convince him to quit hanging out at bars during the day.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, also known to many as Mediocre Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, is taking heavy heat for admitting to 'Brill's Content' magazine that he and his chief deputy may have briefed a couple of reporters during his Presidential witch hunt, unh, I mean, investigation."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Tax season descends upon us like the shadow of a cow dropped from a hot air balloon onto a redwood picnic table."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "I smoke cigarrettes. Yes, I inhale the burning exhaust of a cylindrical tube full of tobacco into my respiratory cavaties filling the pores of my lungs on purpose. Just a little something I do for me. Isn't it great that gays came out of the closet just in time for us smokers to go in?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "Maturing. It's a scary word. A word I always associated with cheese. Not something I ever thought would happen to me. But what nature takes away, it also replenishes. Sometimes in different areas. And no, I'm not talking about hair, but can someone please tell me why I have not just hair growing out of my ears, but thick undersea Intercontinental cables?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Some couple in Florida who just happen to be heavily involved in Democratic fundraising just happen to have a police scanner in their car and just happen to tape a conference call they pick up off a cell phone with a tape recorder they just happen to be packing at the time. This conversation features the Speaker of the House who has been cautioned not to design his defense, designing his defense. And so who gets in trouble? The Speaker for grossly ignoring the panel's directive, right? No, the Congressman to whom the Florida couple gave the tape."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "What if they gave a peace conference and nobody came? Or what if they all came but acted like zombies from the fourth dimension under the influence of the planet Thorazine? Or what if they came and acted like zombies from the fourth dimension under the influence of the planet Thorazine but smiled real nice for the cameras and then clammed up tighter than an incarcerated policeman's butthole on his first day of general population?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

The Ebola Virus has come to the United States, but the government is telling citizens not to worry. Durst comments, "If the worst case scenario occurs and the Ebola escapes and infects the general population of the United States, you have to admit; it's a impartial malady, affecting polo players and league bowlers alike. Not like that prejudiced AIDS virus which only affects people who engage in perverted sexual and social activities. And when you think of it, isn't it time we welcomed a truly Democratic disease to our shores?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "Can't say the O.J. verdict was a surprise. Nobody in this country is guilty. ...Jeffrey Dahmer pleaded innocent. He pleaded innocent! Not applicable. Sorry: severed head in the freezer, you can't plead innocent. New rule. Toenails in the carpeting, maybe."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Jesse Ventura refereed at a recent WCW event. There was a bit of a protest from some of the wrestlers who thought the presence of a politician would cheapen the sport."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Most people come to New Orleans for the music. For me it's the food. This place is to food what Los Angeles is to silicone. Unless you think cholesterol can kill; and then N'Awlins is an AK-47 with a grenade launcher. The neutron bomb of cuisine. Destroys your internal organs, but leaves the will to drink intact. Nutritional Chernobyl."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "First Ronald Reagan is president of the United States, and now Charlton Heston is president of the NRA, so I guess that means pretty soon Jack Palance is going to head the Red Cross."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "You know what drives me nuttier than squirrel breath? Idiot drivers. More precisely, idiot drivers who for some strange reason have a vendetta against me. You think I'm being paranoid?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "The House introduced 3036 bills in the session just ended, and 59 have become law. That's a batting average of .011, definitely below the Mendoza Line. The Senate did worse, 19 for 1568. Hell, even Michael Jordan hit better than that in AA."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The Southern Baptist Corporation overwhelmingly approved a boycott of the Walt Disney Co. to protest what church leaders say are the company's gay friendly policies. Baptists don't like friendly people. No, they believe in an ornery, vengeful Jesus with oozing blisters rubbing against the straps of his sandals, and are quite willing to go to whatever lengths it takes in order to keep people who think differently than them from being treated equally."

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