Durst writes: "When he bombed terrorist bases in Afganistan and Sudan, Clinton claimed he was trying to pre-empt other terrorist attacks and had 'compelling information they were planning additional' ones. Of which I have no doubt. I'm just wondering which maniacal despot he's talking about: Osama bin Laden, or Kenneth Starr."
Durst writes: "Due to the fact that thousands of girls barely bigger than the family sized tub of popcorn have seen it so many times, memorizing which way the individual drops of water move, the movie 'Titanic' has become the largest grossing picture in history. Now you can say many things about Hollywood executives but you can't call them stupid."
Durst writes, "Had an awkward moment at the first Bulls Knicks game. It seems Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert showed up in the same dress. Gennifer Flowers is going to testify at the Paula Jones trial, and you know Clinton can be thinking of only one thing: threesome."
Durst writes: "The stock market hit 8000 the other day and shares of Microsoft led the rally with a gain of $9.97 to close at $148.44, pushing the Redmond, Wash.- based software giant ahead of Coca-Cola to become the second most valuable company in the nation behind General Electric. Bill Gates, also affectionately known as Chairman Bill, Mr. Vaporware and the Gnome Without a Comb, owns 23.7 percent of Microsoft, thus pocketing a cool $2.8 billion for one day's non work. I've heard of making a killing in the stock market, but this would have to qualify as genocide."
Durst writes: "Happy National Asteroid Awareness week everybody! You've probably seen the fabulous NBC mini-series, of which internal promotions cried: 'Critics call it Unbelievable!' You can't make stuff up like this. God, the special effects were so cheesy, I'm surprised they didn't Fed Ex a box of crackers to every home in America to watch it with."
Durst says: "Reportedly, Yitzhak Rabin's assassin was a 27-year-old law student who was part of a right wing anti-Middle East peace splinter group. The hell is going on? Who signs up to join an anti-peace splinter group? People who graduate from a puppy torture seminar?"
Comic Will Durst on the latest for Dr. Death: "The landlord is trying to close down Dr. Kevorkian's clinic. Didn't know what it was going to be used for. Yeah, right, like Jack Kevorkian is going to open the world's most unusual electrical supplies shop."
"The race for the Democratic nomination for President is shaping up to be the most boring since my third grade social studies teacher rammed through Marni Minor as hall monitor on the straight 'Because I said so' ticket."
"'Compassionate Conservatism' -- Like me, you must be worrying: what other two word self canceling campaign keynotes are available for the marginal flotsam candidates to scrounge for? I'm glad you asked."
Durst writes: "I imagine at state dinners even breadsticks, celery stalks and kosher dill pickles will come under excruciatingly close scrutiny. So along with everything else, Bill has managed to screw up the White House catering department as well. Asparagus spears? I don't think so."
Durst writes: "A study commissioned by the National Cable Television Association found that violence on TV was so bad, they had to avert their eyes when they sent out the results. Their conclusion? Don't watch TV, but if you have to, don't watch cable TV, except Xena. And if you have to watch cable besides Xena, whatever you do, please, please, don't get HBO."
Durst writes, "I love Las Vegas. It is America. Lots of bright sparkling lights, the veiled threat of air brushed sex lurking around every corner and of course wads and wads of cold hard cash publicly distributed to the unworthy, which by the apparent definition means everybody but us."
Durst writes, "They're gearing up for term two of the Clinton administration and it's going to be about as smooth as a gravel milk shake. The next four years are going to make the Borgias look like the Walton family. Everybody says there's going to be lots of cooperation between both sides of Congress and the White House, and there will be. At least as far as what shape the Senate investigation tables will take. And there will be investigations. Tons of them."
Durst says, "After having proposed a series of new and improved slogans for the Democrats and immeasurably helping them to recapture Congress next year, we here at Durstco are alarmed at being thought responsible for altering the balance of power, and hereby pitch these recommendations for new phrases to reinvigorate the Republicans."
Comic Will Durst says that Republicans still cling to that cute Victorian credo that the only people savvy enough to vote are white male landowners with large areas of flea infested facial hair. What today, minus the muttonchops, are commonly referred to as Corporate CEOs.
"After 100 years of reforming the primaries, we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the cigars from the smoke-filled rooms."
Durst writes: "Clinton, Netanyahu and Arafat aren't leaving their peace talks until they agree on something. Since small stumbling blocks remain -- like the PLO's unwillingness to give up its charter declaration calling for the total destruction of Israel -- I have some fail-safe fallback promises they can keep."
Durst writes: "I imagine the U.S. State Department is telling the Indian government, 'Of course we'll treat you like adults. It's just that unless you start to behave more like we say, not only will you lose another month's allowance, but you'll be grounded until the millennium and sent to bed without any curry.'"
Durst writes: "During the Paula Jones deposition, Clinton allegedly admitted to having an affair with Gennifer Flowers even though he denied it back in 1992. Press Secretary Mike McCurry said both answers are true. That's called reverse double spin, with a twist. Lets not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he has some sort of rare six year memory black out disease. It could be he'll admit an affair with Ms. Lewinsky in the year 2004."
Durst writes: "I know why the Giants were swept in the NL Division Series by the Marlins. Its the same reason Princess Diana and Mother Teresa died within days of each other. And obviously the cause of the problems with the Mir Space Station."
Durst writes, "Clinton recently said of the process of compromise on the budget battle 'which came first, the chicken or the egg.' Yeah, right, Bill. And what is the sound of one hand clapping. If a comedian tells a joke and no one hears it, is it funny? Man, I grew up hating philosophical conundrums, and those stupid tutorial aphorisms as well. My parents filled me chock full of those little edifying witticisms. 'Remember Billy there's more than one way to skin a cat.' Oh terrific Dad, please, could you catalog them all?"
Durst writes, "Welcome to Budget Impasse Two. This time, it's personal. We got to set an example to our reluctant negotiators. Locking all the Republican freshmen together and playing Hootie and the Blowfish till their ears bleed might send a message to future hard line Congressdweebs. Or cancel their paychecks. Not these weenie temporary cancellations, like a suspended allowance either. No, we're talking zero, zip, nada, money... gone-O. Just like tax day, only different."
Will Durst writes, "Ross Perot reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out another vice presidential candidate with qualifications that would be considered underwhelming for a unincorporated county council race. Of course, the little guy was turned down more often than a freshman nerd at the senior ball. He must have asked three or four thousand elected officials before settling for Pat Choate, an economist whose isolationist theories include hiding behind a thick wall of bundled sticks and throwing sharp rocks at people who wear different clothes. "
Durst says, "Well, the Caucuses are over and now the arguments are raging about who was the real winner. Bob Dole obviously because he didn't completely keel over from acute bile backup and now he has time to ask Ted Turner to colorize him."
Durst on the Wilson v. Clinton campaign, "Projected onto the candidates malleable features will be holographic recreations of all the great American heroes; Teddy Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Harriet Tubman all right, admittedly, a line will be drawn. But we can still expect virtuoso performances from two career politicians who if ambition were cheese would each resemble Switzerland. A title match the whole world yawns awaiting: Brie vs. Gouda."
"We ought to support the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to strike evolution from their textbooks by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. Like history -- just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that."
"We've recently had the Oscars, the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are coming up and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards."
Durst writes: "You got to love these guys. First they hold their annual convention in Salt Lake City in a snotty attempt to kick holier than thou sand in the Mormons face, and then they make a decision to drag themselves kicking and screaming into the 13th century by declaring 51 percent of the population subservient to the other 49 percent."
Durst writes: "Maybe Saddam's agreement is just a ruse in order to rig up the UNSCOM security cameras so all they see is a blank loop tape of happy Iraqis making powdered milk while feeding orphaned duckies on the side."