Durst writes: "Right now, Janet Reno is considering whether to appoint a special investigator to investigate the invesitigation that surrounds the Vice President to see if he breathes through his lungs or has hidden gills."
Durst writes, "So let me get this straight: Newt Gingrich pays off the $300,000 fine he received from the Congressional Ethics Committee for copping a plea on a series of ethics violations with a loan for which he puts up no collateral and doesn't even have to start payments for eight years. What the hell is that? That's not a loan, it's a lottery win. It's like a forger posting bail with a third party out of state check or a counterfeiter paying off his fine with blue cash."
Durst writes, "Recently the McDonald's Corporation did some internal taste tests which showed its burgers rated behind Wendy's and Burger King, so they ordered some changes. Incredible as it may seem, the giant food company is fast tracking alterations in the preparation of their menu items that, if successful, may alter the very nature of how American businesses work. Some of the startling schemes purportedly on the drawing board -- hold on to your hats -- are using less salt in the ketchup, and adding more pepper to the meat."
Will Durst writes, "Bob Dole has an identity problem. For one thing he insists on referring to himself in the third person while just about everybody else keeps talking about him in the past tense. And he doesn't get it. You can see him start to shuffle around, wondering what the hell is going on. "
Durst says, "The big New Hampshire debate was the last time we'll see these eight men in dark suits all together at one time and trust me, Hollywood screenwriters are not sitting around crying. It had all the suspense of watching varnish hardening."
In what should have been as controversial as a washcloth, Hillary Clinton gave a speech at the UN's Fourth World Conference on Women denouncing human rights abuses and the lack of female equality worldwide. And believe it or not, people got upset. Oh yes.
"It was an odd afternoon in Seattle. The Longshoremen were on strike, the cabs were on strike, and dumpsters were set on fire by masked youth battling police on front lines filled with tear gas and stun grenades. If the cheese were a little better and the waiters a mite ruder, you'd of thought you were in France for the day."
"Can someone please tell me what is the damn deal with the freaking greedy scum sucking oil companies? Either they're handing hundred dollar bills to our congressmen or they've got negatives showing those same lawmakers in post coital bliss sucking on goat hooves."
"Our elected officials have discovered the joys of milking the cash cow of suing people responsible for our vices. The beauty of it, is in the choice of plaintiffs. Which is to say the egg sucking dogs of corporato land."
Durst writes: "Even the most heartless of us, ie Trent Lott, has to go all weepy at the sight of the striking basketball player on urban street corners holding hand made signs: 'Will Set A Pick For Food.'"
Durst writes: "To say the Irish drink, is like saying nitroglycerine is a bad substance to fill overhanging crib mobiles with. This is the country where the swimmer, Michele Smith, was suspected of blood doping because her urine had enough whiskey in it to kill a small hippopotamus."
Durst writes: "You want to know why people are cynical these days? Why they tend to trust their average fellow human about as far as you could throw a Chrysler Le Baron Convertible? ... Because crap which we all know to be more useless than a roll bar in a helicopter is hyped and plugged and advertised as God's gift to plastic happy consumers."
Will Durst writes, "The Senate killed campaign finance reform again. Trent Lott, the new Senate Majority Leader, told his peers the legislation 'is too important to address right at this point in the heat of the national election campaign,' which is like saying 'the wearing of a condom is too important to address because sex is imminent'."
Durst writes, "Sometimes I think our government is so stuck in the 1930's, they should all be wearing spats. They refuse to accept that pot can be used as a cheap effective medicine. For crum's sake, it grows in the ground; when's the last time you got a Pina Colada off the cocktail tree?If it's bad for you, doesn't that mean God screwed up? Their little refrain has gotten more tiresome than a 24 hour Michael Bolton station."
Durst writes, "Newt Gingrich, the Dennis Rodman of politics, was severely spanked with a reprimand by the full House on a 395 to 28 vote, and he's been ordered to pay a $300,000 fine. He's the first Speaker ever to receive a reprimand, although it is generally assumed former Speaker Jim Wright would have gotten one if he hadn't RETIRED first, pushed out by the very same Newt Gingrich. Ain't life odd?"
Will Durst compares the presidential debates to that of a heavyweight fight. He writes, "You could cut the excitement with a soggy bar coaster in Hartford, Connecticut's Bushnell Theatre, site of the first of two preliminary bouts leading up to the Heavyweight Championship of The Free World. The challenger, looking remarkably fit, ignored the defending champ's trademark swagger, and started the bout with a series of body blows that, truth be told, wouldn't have tested a West Virginia state Assembly 'also ran.'"
Durst says, "After an exhilarating 31 days, where he saw his Presidential bid take flight like an ostrich chained to the bumper of submerged big rig, Pete Wilson just announced that he is dropping out of the race. Reaction in Washington was shock. 'Who? He was running for what? You're kidding!? Jeez, he should have told people.'"
Durst writes: "Hey guys, it's November. Most excellent! When we all sit and give thanks while eating bird flesh. I guess we give thanks that we're not birds. I'll be honest, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday -- food, family and football. Three of the four F's. The big old family reunion which I look forward to, until five seconds after I hit the front porch, and then I remember why I left home. And they still make me sit at that stupid foldup cardboard kids' table. "
"First Al moves his campaign headquarters to Nashville, then Hillary moves out so fast she leaves skid marks I just hope Bill doesn't get a complex out of this. All this on the heels of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda splitting up."
"The Kansas State Board of Education took two webbed foot steps backwards by deleting every reference to evolution in their science curriculum. Then they sprouted gills jumped into a tar pit and waited for their momentum to carry them back into single cell bliss."
Q. Why were all western journalists ordered out of Yugoslavia?A. To the mind not conditioned through a lifetime of freedom of the press, journalists are considered ravenous out of control carrion eating parasites who will shamelessly pervert the truth for the sake of building readers.Q. Just like over here, hunh?A. Pretty much, yeah.
Durst writes: "So the deal is, Congress has a full plate coming up next year, and here's some of the tasty morsels they're going to wipe off the sides of their mouths with napkins woven from taxpayers dollars ... HMO Reform: Opponents, surprisingly including the HMO industry, warn reform will mean higher costs and overcrowding. Apparently better care leading to fewer deaths has no effect on the bottom line."
Durst writes, "Bill Clinton has sought to initiate a yearlong nationwide discussion on race, which most likely means a marathon session of honing our name calling skills into a fine subtle precision. But except for naming a blue ribbon commission, the President weighed in with less specifics than you'd get on the side of one of those Ginseng Tea boxes."
Durst's short takes: "Anheuser Busch dropped the Budweiser frogs after complaints that the ad campaign appealed to children. I suppose they're going to be replaced by a rag tag mob of tiny purple dinsoaurs... Noted scientists claim the universe will disintegrate in 30 billion years. Which obviously won't affect most of us. Except those still hanging on for AOL technical support."
Will Durst takes a look at presidential campaign press releases. He writes, "The best part of the election, except for the pre- victory parties in the lobbyists' suites at the Marriot, is the wealth of mindless crap passing for press releases coming out of campaign headquarters."
On the subject of Hillary Clinton and Libby Dole Durst writes: "What flips me out is even though both of these women are Ivy League Lawyers, Hillary is the only one accused of being a radical feminist. Which means what? She had a job?."
Durst says, "We were THAT close to seeing the Domino effect ravage North America. First it would have been Quebec, then Upper Michigan and pretty soon Miami would have chosen the separatist route. Called themselves Cuba Norte. Or if the powerful South Florida bartenders lobby had their say, Cuba Libre."
Comic Will Durst on presidential hopeful Pete Wilson: "Maybe Pete Wilson's laryngitis is purely psychosomatic so he doesn't have to answer questions about the illegal alien he, Mr. Prop. 187, hired as a maid. "Oh, I forgot; he didn't know he had a maid. Let me repeat that. He Didn't Know He Had a Maid."
"Purely in the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for those of you in desperate need to get to work on time. Number One: Do everything you can to avoid getting stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper stickers. Fake an accident if you have to."
"Here's the deal. We're way too nice. People love to lose wars to us. We got snotty little countries lined up like we're handing out free gold-filled jelly donuts begging for the chance to goad us into kicking their butts."
Durst writes: "We're probably known around the universe as the obnoxious, noisy blue planet with the expanding hole in its roof and are blamed for bringing down property values in this quadrant of the solar system. All because of TV."
Durst writes: "The Clinton administration announced it will permanently ban imports of 58 types of military style assault weapons. The ones that snuck through a loophole in the last permanent banning. The National Rifle Association claims these guns are legitimate hunting rifles. OK. I can buy that argument. I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time is all I'm saying."
Durst writes: "Merry Christmas everybody! It's that time of year when you have to make those hard decisions like whether you can re-wrap Aunt Hoogolah's fruit cake from last year to give as an anonymous gift at the company Christmas party. Then you remember the fruit cake is two years old and it doesn't even affect your crisis. So let's move on with Will Durst's patented 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List."
Durst writes: "Bud Selig, the owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and self appointed Grand Poobah of Major League Baseball, who is to subtlety what Oliver Stone is to screwball comedy has rationalized his proposed radical realignment of the sport by citing polls of casual fans who said it didn't matter if teams switched leagues or employed the designated hitter rule across the board."
On Clinton's trip down golfing legend Greg Norman's stairs, Durst writes: "Okay, so I'm not Bill Clinton's lawyer, which is probably a good thing, but if I were, the lawsuits would be flying so fast, Greg Norman would be giving midnight lessons at retirement communities just to cover the filing fees. I'd hit him with such a flurry of paperwork, the meteorologists in Florida would be issuing a snow alert."