Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG."
Durst writes: "You can bet he's going to find stacks and stacks of records. Immediately. Probably just sitting there right on top in a big file titled 'Nerve Gas: Our Own People.' Yeah, right, and then we'll open up that other file with the big black magic marker heading: 'JFK: the Real Murderers.'"
Durst writes: "In this whole ugly DC Zippergate mess with leaks and accusations of leakers and massive leaking, the one dry rock, and I mean stone cold solid hunk of granite is the Hillmeister. Not too surprising I guess. She's in the White House for crum's sake ... Ostensibly sleeping with the leader of the free world. Maybe not doing much in bed there, but power is a lot like real estate, it's all about location, location, location."
Durst writes, "During the Senate IRS investigations, Senators were shocked to hear reports of arrogance and gouging. Can't tell if they were more outraged or jealous. ValuJet changed its name to Airtran Airlines, and doubled their maintenance operation, which means what: two wrenches?"
Durst writes: "So to believe the newpapers, humankind is doomed because a bunch of circuits and wires made Gary Kasparov cry ... Personally, I don't think he's wound all that tight to begin with. The guy probably cries at AT&T commercials ... And no, we're not going to bring Hockey into this. Besides, who do you think programmed the stupid computer?"
Durst on the sexual harrasment charges Paula Jones has made against President Clinton: "Ms. Jones claims that in a Little Rock hotel room in 1991, Bill Clinton dropped his pants and said, 'Kiss it, please.' I have one question: Who would do that? I know why Clinton is the object of these accusations. He looks like he can get it up. Well I don't mean to be vulgar, but can you imagine Bush, Reagan or Dole having an erection?"
Durst says, "The House Ethics Committee, which of course is a lot like saying the Mojave Desert Yacht Club, or the Upper Michigan Ballet Company or the Garrison Keillor Prairie Home Companion Moment of Humor, has dismissed several charges against Newt Gingrich. No big deal. "
A joke from Durst: Two cows are standing in the English countryside. One says to the other: "I'm a little worried about this mad cow disease." "Not me," says the other. "Why not?" returns the first. "Because I'm a rabbit."
Durst says if they want to change the definition of the cost of living index to save money they might as well change the name too. He suggests "COJBSA, the Cost of Just Barely Subsisting Adjustment, or the COLIASSSWUWAMVTPA, the Cost of Living In A Stupidly Selfish Society Where Useless Weapons Are More Valued Than People Adjustment."
"The American people love tax cuts. That was the Republican reasoning for trying to gut Medicare to the tune of $268 billion and offset it with tax cuts. Well, let's catalogue more things the American people want ..."
"Brothers and Sisters, step right up to see the strangest collection of political candidates this side of a Louisiana governors race. Freaks of nature. Chameleons. Shape shifters. If things keep going the way they're headed, Bush will end up the fighter pilot, and McCain will transform into the favorite son of Texas with vocabulary dyslexia."
Durst writes: "The Carl's Jr's. fast food chain has a new slogan promoting how messy its hamburgers are; 'If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.' Now, I know the art of advertising is mostly hyperbole and exaggeration, but this phrase has a logic glitch the size of one of Jupiter's moons."
Durst writes: "Every American Working Family's Wish List: A Living Wage. A Live-in Nanny. A Closed Circuit Nanny Cam. A Four Wheel Drive Corvette Station Wagon. Flex Time (Meaning Work More Flexible to Families Instead of Vice Versa). Tax Credits for Child Care. Tax Credits for Macaroni Cheese and Tuna Casseroles."
Durst writes, "Before we were so rudely interrupted, I think we were speaking of the 105th Congress finishing up their first half exhibiting the grace of an elephant on an escalator. Let's continue shall we? Education: Denied administration money to develop reading and math tests. Message here being; an educated electorate tends not to favor incumbents."
Durst writes, "ABC just announced an agreement with American Airlines to give frequent flyer miles for watching certain television shows on the network's schedule. Oh yeah, that's just what we need. Couch potatoes with a purpose. "
Durst comments on right wing accusations that a felon with possible ties to the Bonanno organized crime family attended a Democratic coffee at the White House: "This incendiary accusation has been twisted all out of proportion for purely partisan purposes by the conservative elite right wing media. For one thing, a lot of felons have gravitated towards 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, including more than a couple of guys who got themselves elected in; does the name Nixon have any meaning here? They should install an official plaque on the West Gate designating it San Quentin East."
Durst writes, "Republican Party plans on using videotaped excerpts from Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech in their $2 million pro-Proposition 209 ad blitz. This proposition would ban discrimination or preferential treatment of ethnic and gender groups by California public agencies. I was thinking of what historical analogies one could make from this height of twisted arrogance, and these are a few I came up with."
Will Durst says now that Bob Dole has resigned from the Senate, he should forget about the election, head straight home to Kansas, take the storm windows off and put up the screens. Welcome home to retirement.
Durst says, "Poor Fidel Castro. The guy just can't win. He goes out of his way, puts on a nice suit and New York City still teats him like a musk ox at a disabled gazelle convention. Chronically flatulent bus boys with Turrets's Syndrome get more respect."
"The former spokesmurf, George Stephanopoulos, claims to be shocked to find out Bill was a big liar. Considering George was in Presidential politics, this sounds like the guy who cleans elephant cages professing to be confused by the amount of manure he has to work with."
"In the perfect ironically twisted ending to the Reagan legacy, conservatives are wringing their hands because Edmund Morris' long awaited new biography of Ronald Reagan provides little or no insight into the man. Hello!"
Durst writes: "You know ol' Brillo Haid has to be happier right now to be speechifying in a foreign country than a maggot attending a high school reunion in a fresh mass grave. He managed to be gone cat gone when rumors of another intern rose like lipstick on underwear and the economy has sunk faster than an anvil in pudding."
Durst writes: "According to who you believe, Boris Yeltsin either squelched his competition or had a brain fart the size of Siberia this week when he fired his entire Cabinet. Supposedly he only wanted to get rid of Viktor Chernomyrdin, his Deputy Prime Minister, who had gotten a bit uppity after filling in for Boris during part 14 of his winter tour of Soviet rehab centers. The lesson we learn is never become more competent than your boss."
Durst writes: "I drink beer. Being from Milwaukee. That's what we do. I don't just mean, beer is consumed. That's like saying: Sand is available in the Mojave. That Bill Gates might not be turning grey over his worry about social security coverage. That dogs have a tendency to get distracted playing chess."
Durst writes: "We have come to trust our elected officials to exhibit greed and petty underhandedness, after all they're paid to represent us, but every once in a while they manage to do something so incredibly shallow and self serving, it takes your breath away. Grab a quick mouthful of oxygen and check this out."
Durst's 30-second mysteries: "Minutes after the reading of his mother's will, Roberts was dead. So was his wife, his mistress, the butler and the guy who followed him around with the solar powered satellite dish in the little red wagon. And his dog didn't look too good either. They all had weird spatula scars on their foreheads which made me suspect the cook. Good thought. Bad timing. She had me arched over the fourth floor balcony railing with the razor sharp spatula dripping bloody at my neck."
Durst writes, "Now we know why OJ Simpson didn't testify during his criminal trial. The guy is more confused than a field mouse strapped to the controls of the Space Shuttle Enterprise trying to correct a re-entry angle. Hamilton Burger could have prosecuted this case and won. His alibi is that he was taking a nap while practicing chip shots in the shower with his cell phone."
Will Durst thinks beer ads stink. He writes, "In my beer ad, the bathroom takes up half the set. Its dank, dark and smells like that rag your dad kept under the basement sink throughout grammar school. Its bar time, when the harsh light of last call reveals true inner beauty. There's a sobbing girl at the corner table, and two guys are hurriedly escorting their buddy to the great outdoors, while he attempts to expel the voluminous liquids he rented earlier. My beer commercial motto: 'Drink a lot. Drive fast. Kill a friend.'"
Durst says: "I CAN'T DRIVE 55. Well, the good news, my bucko, is you don't have to anymore. Its pedal to the metal time! Clinton just signed into law legislation allowing individual states determine how fast you are allowed to careen your two ton steel cocoon down the highway."
"Well, well, well. Looky here. Bill Gates got his little microchip weenie dusted and slapped by Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's findings of fact, when he decided the antitrust case against Microsoft without a jury."
"One trillion dollars. That's what the US Government found in the pants pockets it got home from the cleaners. Just your ordinary roll of ten billion hundred dollar bills. Like winning your average lottery jackpot of $5 million 200,000 times and not having to pay taxes on it because you're the guy who collects the taxes..."
Durst writes: "What burns my toast about the Trial of the Century is it's a perfect chance for our government to finally recoup some cash and we're doing nothing. Where's the merchandizing? Why isn't every little girl in America whining for a Blue Dress Barbie?"
Durst writes: "I don't care if the President of the United States videotapes himself dressed up like Shirley Temple lip-syncing "Good Ship Lollipop." I don't care if he sneaks out at night clad in nothing but a thin layer of petroleum jelly and stiletto heels and aerates the South Lawn."
Durst writes: "This whole Viagra thing is getting out of hand. So to speak. The San Francisco Chronicle featured the headline ... 'Viagra: Big And Getting Bigger.' And Newsweek followed with 'Rising To The Occasion.' Can't wait for George Magazine to follow up with, 'I Got Your Executive Privilege Right Here.'"