Comic Will Durst on presidential hopeful Pete Wilson: "Maybe Pete Wilson's laryngitis is purely psychosomatic so he doesn't have to answer questions about the illegal alien he, Mr. Prop. 187, hired as a maid. "Oh, I forgot; he didn't know he had a maid. Let me repeat that. He Didn't Know He Had a Maid."
"Purely in the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for those of you in desperate need to get to work on time. Number One: Do everything you can to avoid getting stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper stickers. Fake an accident if you have to."
"Here's the deal. We're way too nice. People love to lose wars to us. We got snotty little countries lined up like we're handing out free gold-filled jelly donuts begging for the chance to goad us into kicking their butts."
Durst writes: "Merry Christmas everybody! It's that time of year when you have to make those hard decisions like whether you can re-wrap Aunt Hoogolah's fruit cake from last year to give as an anonymous gift at the company Christmas party. Then you remember the fruit cake is two years old and it doesn't even affect your crisis. So let's move on with Will Durst's patented 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List."
Durst writes: "Bud Selig, the owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and self appointed Grand Poobah of Major League Baseball, who is to subtlety what Oliver Stone is to screwball comedy has rationalized his proposed radical realignment of the sport by citing polls of casual fans who said it didn't matter if teams switched leagues or employed the designated hitter rule across the board."
On Clinton's trip down golfing legend Greg Norman's stairs, Durst writes: "Okay, so I'm not Bill Clinton's lawyer, which is probably a good thing, but if I were, the lawsuits would be flying so fast, Greg Norman would be giving midnight lessons at retirement communities just to cover the filing fees. I'd hit him with such a flurry of paperwork, the meteorologists in Florida would be issuing a snow alert."
Durst writes, "Congress is mourning the loss of Rep. Robert Dornan the way a zoo mourns the loss of a rabid monkey with a scabie chewed butt. Yeah, the kids always loved it when he threw what first appeared to be mud at his mates, but eventually everybody got tired of cleaning up the dim primate's mess. The 63-year-old, six-term Congressman is known as B-1 Bob for being just a little to the right of Pol Pot, and is taking his defeat with the gentle grace you would expect a teething 3-year-old to exhibit when his favorite toy is given to a hated cousin."
Will Durst fears for America -- Jesse Helms is now chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations committee, and 94 year old, Strom Thurmond is running for another six year Senate term. If he makes it, he will be third in line behind Al Gore and Newt Gingrich for Presidential Succession. And in Durst's words, "if that doesn't frighten you, you should see about having your central nervous system reconnected to your brain stem."
Durst says, "You know what Clinton's biggest problem is? No, I mean besides the fact that he looks like a Burger King manager who loves his work. His biggest problem is he's got no "or else." Either you vote the way he wants, or what? Or else he will... pepper you with a series of substantial arguments?"
"I'm sure Republicans are poised like a flock of mangy turkey vultures on a telephone wire overlooking a pen of diseased baby chicks waiting to unleash Even More Clever Republican Schemes To Balance The Budget."
"Number 2: Sixteen courtside seats to the NBA playoff games. Find out name of teams involved and what the deal is. Hint: get Mandy to debrief Spike Lee. What else is going on? Football or that thing on ice with sticks?"
Durst writes: "We're probably known around the universe as the obnoxious, noisy blue planet with the expanding hole in its roof and are blamed for bringing down property values in this quadrant of the solar system. All because of TV."
Durst writes: "The Clinton administration announced it will permanently ban imports of 58 types of military style assault weapons. The ones that snuck through a loophole in the last permanent banning. The National Rifle Association claims these guns are legitimate hunting rifles. OK. I can buy that argument. I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time is all I'm saying."
Durst writes: "Hey everybody, there's a brand new circus in town and Paula Jones is the designated ringmaster, or head clown. I guess non-head clown would be more like it if you believe her testimony."
Durst writes, "Flying under the radar of a nation mourning over the death of one the world's most cherished treasures, and yes, I'm speaking of our premier clown painter, Red Skelton, the House voted itself a $3000 pay raise in a fast track action that would make Mach 3 appear as lethargic as a Steven Seagal action sequence filmed in strobo vision."
Durst writes: "The number of gunshot deaths in Japan during the year 1995 was 17. That same year, the number of gunshot deaths in America was around 40,000. All right! We're number one. Way to go! The rest of the world is made up of pale knife wielding comfortable shoed wussies when it comes to weapons."
Durst writes, "Now it is my turn to pick the bones of the Yuletide carcass clean. Yeah, I know this bit is drier than a tinsel laden Douglas Fir stuck next to an overheated attic space heater in late February, but what the hell, it's that joyous season of sharing, so let me now offer up to the most deserving of us: Will Durst's 1996 Christmas gift wish list."
Will Durst writes, "In a turnaround just shy of Frank Sinatra calling Jose Feliciano arrogant, Bob Dole has called for Bill Clinton to make his full medical record public. What's next: Madonna calling Mother Teresa a slut?"
Durst says, "You'll lose forty pounds, lengthen your penis, and grow hair on the top of your head! It's the flat tax miracle from the GOP, and it's going to fix everything. But will it pull votes out of a hat? The Republicans can only hope."
Comic Will Durst says, "Oooh, Clinton has really climbed out on a political limb now. He's come out against teen age smoking. Next thing you know, he'll lodge his unequivocal aversion to chigger mites. Can't wait for his position paper on crib death."
"I would have thought Larry Holmes had a better chance of copping the role of Laura in an Off Broadway production of 'Glass Menagerie' before I said this out loud, but, well, here goes: Donald Trump is my man."
Durst writes: "Members of Jacques Cousteau's underwater film team claim the renowned French oceanographer faked scenes in his documentaries ... In one case, footage of an octopus scrambling out of a tank and hopping overboard was supposedly obtained by pouring bleach in the tank. Yeah, so?"
Durst writes: "The state of Texas murdered a woman by lethal injection. Rubbed her arm with alcohol first and then rubbed her out. Of course Texas likes killing people. Kill kill kill kill kill; 144 since 1982. That's not just a gross of dead men, its gross. They're killing crazy down there."
Durst writes: "Richard McLaren, leader of the Republic of Texas separatists, surrendered to authorities and called for a 'Texas-wide cease-fire' [yesterday]. Yeah, right, good luck. Call for a 'Arctic-wide cease-ice' next. He also asked for diplomatic immunity. And they should give it to him."
Durst writes, "Thank God the holidays are over and if you didn't have to travel, you should consider yourself luckier than Steve Forbes escaping an audit. I think I'd rather sit on an Athens to Sparta diesel bus in the poultry section than fly during December."
Durst writes, "The first Monday of October is coming up, which means the Supreme Court is about to convene.... One of the cases will consider 'right to die,' which as far as I can tell, either involves Dr. Kevorkian franchises, or Jim Carrey signing to do a 'Cable Guy' sequel."
Durst says, "So we had two dropouts in the Republican race for President, but maybe they should just think of themselves as downsized. In a switch guaranteed to receive the approval of the god of irony, you could say these millionaires were laid off by the American people. 'Don't let the doorknob bump you in the butt.'"
Will Durst on Powell, "Colin Luther Powell just blew it. The guy was leading Clinton and Dole in a couple of Presidential Preference polls, for crums sake. So what does he do? Brainiac decides to take actual stands."
"Twenty five years ago the President of the United States abdicated, and now we miss him more than a sinner misses confession. Because without the evil heart of Nixon, my generation's whining is a hollow thing without a center."
"The former spokesmurf, George Stephanopoulos, claims to be shocked to find out Bill was a big liar. Considering George was in Presidential politics, this sounds like the guy who cleans elephant cages professing to be confused by the amount of manure he has to work with."