Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG." subscribe to Will Durst's feed

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Will Durst shares perhaps the most important top 100 list of the second millennium: The top 100 human body parts.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"We ought to support the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to strike evolution from their textbooks by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. Like history -- just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"We've recently had the Oscars, the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are coming up and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "You got to love these guys. First they hold their annual convention in Salt Lake City in a snotty attempt to kick holier than thou sand in the Mormons face, and then they make a decision to drag themselves kicking and screaming into the 13th century by declaring 51 percent of the population subservient to the other 49 percent."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Maybe Saddam's agreement is just a ruse in order to rig up the UNSCOM security cameras so all they see is a blank loop tape of happy Iraqis making powdered milk while feeding orphaned duckies on the side."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "At the recent Media & Democracy Congress II, here in New York, all hell broke out for no apparent reason every time you turned around ... But the Congress was a major success. Many contacts were made, adult amber beverages were drunk and agendas were furthered. For one, a consensus was reached: that Media and Democracy are not mutually exclusive terms."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Lies are important. We couldn't survive without lies. We just need a different name for some of them. LIES sounds so perjorative. What do you call the correct response to 'Honey, do these pants make me look fat?' Is that a lie? No, that's self defense. You can't outlaw lies, then only outlaws will tell lies. If you make lies illegal, the very fabric of society would unravel. Think of it; our streets cluttered with the hollow eyed shells of lawyers, politicians and advertising executives."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst comments on the recent re-election of Newt Gingrich: "Actual side-by-side headlines on the front page above the fold of the New York Times, Jan. 8, 1997: 'G.O.P. Narrowly Re-elects Gingrich As House Speaker, Despite Ethics Accusations' and 'Malaria Makes a Comeback, And is Deadlier than Ever.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "So all the really important pundits, the ones with network TV gigs, are going around saying that Dole looked pretty good at the debate. Compared to what? The mummified remains of an ancient shmushed possum obliterating the yellow double line of I-40? Yeah, compared to the State of the Union Address response where he looked like he had risen from the dead to read us our rights, he was positively perky."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst writes, "A British scientist announced that a pill restoring full function to impotent men is now in the final stages of clinical testing and could be available for sale as early as next year, which to millions of American men must be like saying the fountain of youth and a scratch golf handicap is right around the corner. The drug is called Sildenfil and works by increasing levels of cyclic GMP which sounds good, but to be honest you're talking to a guy who didn't know his GMP needed to be recycled."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

"In a time capsule regression to eleventh grade, the boys in Washington have decided to play chicken with America...Neither side shows signs of backing down and a showdown on that big bluff overlooking the mall is inevitable."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Political comic Will Durst debuts on AlterNet with some thoughts on Bill Clinton's long-awaited veto, and the possible advantages of the disappearing ozone layer.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Its awards season again! The "Too Little Too Late Too Short Award" goes to George W. for leaping onto the campaign finance reform bandwagon by the edge of his fingernails. The "Roll Over And Scratch My Belly You Adorable Beast Award" goes to the media for their hard hitting coverage of John McCain. And the "At Least He's Got A Future As A Short Order Cook Award" to Gary Bauer."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Now that Viacom -- which owns MTV, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon -- has gobbled up CBS, its programmers are having cross-fertilization wet dreams. When they breed classic CBS shows with flashy MTV cuts, you can expect to see programs like "Walker: South Park Ranger" and "Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps..."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"I think the United States should be able to convince Slobodan Milosevic that a 'Land For Peace' deal is in his best interest. After all, look how well it worked out for the Sioux."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Now, Kenneth Starr wants voice samples of Monica Lewinsky. Wow, are you telling me, we now have the technology to determine invasive DNA from an audio readout?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Well, Kenneth Starr finally found his smoking bimbo. Kathleen Willey has divulged all to '60 Minutes' which is as close as you can get in America of a public confession. She spoke of a simpler time, way back in 1993, when Bill Clinton invited her into the Oval Office and tried to get her to touch his, well ... the leader of the leader of the Free World."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Congress has gone underground for the winter like 535 individual bears in search of extremely safe caves lain with piles of soft money. But don't get too elated, they'll be back. There is much to do. Plenty of stuff still works. Here are the high points, if you have the nerve to call them that, of the first half of the 105th Congress' mucking up."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Bill Clinton, the man who owes more to soft money than Joseph Gallo owes to crushed grapes is petitioning the Federal Election Commission to abolish the 'soft money' loophole. Oh, there you go. Next, I suppose Mark McGwire is going to ask Major League Baseball to declare any ball leaving the field of play is an out. "

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst thinks Dennis Rodman is a role model: for Rocky Horror Picture Show graduates. As a result of kicking a cameraman in the groin, "The Bad Boy of Basketball is expected to appeal his fine, citing discrimination since Rodman is the only professional athlete to dress as a woman. He also agreed to pay the cameraman $200,000 in an out-of-court settlement, which considering his salary is like a tip at a Denny's to us."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Bob Dole is trying to impale Clinton on a $425,000 donation from an Indonesian couple, and not having much luck. Seems that the Dolemeister received a couple of bucks from the same source himself. "

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Democratic National Committee leaders recently met with Madison Avenue advertising executives to explore new ways to market the Democratic Party. Suggestions from Durst include: "The Democrats. Like Perot's Party, Only Different." "Democrats Good. Republicans Bad." "The Democratic Party. No Newts." "Dem Dems. We Got Our Mojo Working." "Democrats 'R Us" (with a cigarette holder on the backwards R).

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst on the weather: "Today there's big news. There's a heat wave in the Midwest. Imagine that. Heat. In the Midwest. In July. What's next? The Pacific Ocean is moist. The French can be annoying."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Kenneth Starr is scheduled to clean out his office next week. Imagine he's off to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban how to be puritanical."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"First we mistakenly bombed civilians but eventually we got over it. Then we accidentally bombed an innocent embassy, but we got over that too. The United States is fast becoming known as the country that can't bomb straight. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean NATO."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Aliens' first glimpse of our culture is going to be our television programming. Well, hell, no wonder we haven't been contacted yet. They're scared out of their little alien wits of us."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital where the spirit of red white and blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hotfoot ... Newt Gingrich singlehandedly pushed through an iron clad Campaign Finance Reform Bill that will forbid any contribution over ten bucks."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us, Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall we?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "The game of politics is one of the inherent problems you have with a political appointment. Another can be witnessed in Iraq where Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Odai, in an example of nepotism gone horribly awry, was appointed head of the Iraqi soccer federation."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Dust writes, "In his press conference on recent revelations that his administration used the White House as a money bag drop, Clinton made it absolutely clear: 'We didn't do anything wrong and we promise not to do it again, and we can't recall if and when or where it may have happened. Which it didn't.' Well that clears things up like a lousy decade old 8mm print of a vampire flick at a foggy drive-in theatre in the Andes with votive candles throwing the projection."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Mr. Gingrich actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, 'We're more than just the cynical, venal, narrow, corrupt profession that all too often is a reflection of the current culture.' Of course, you are Newt. You're also manipulative, lying, scornful, unscrupulous, swindling, avaricious, grasping, virulent, cheating, fraudulent and petty."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst thinks Bob Dole is in the middle of an identity crisis. He writes, "Bob Dole's campaign policy is similar to intimating that the Antarctica tourist board has been slack in its attempt to attract surfing conventions. The man can't even convince himself. So far his best stab at it has been, 'Bob Dole envisions an America that is different -- maybe.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "They've been sniping at him for months but Bob Dole remains so far in front of his Republican rivals right now, I doubt they can see the back of his pruney little neck due to the curvature of the earth."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

During a recent interview, MTV correspondent Tabitha Soren asked the President about ending the tax deduction for cigarette advertising, to which he replied, "It's an interesting idea. Nobody ever raised it to me before. Maybe you should be here making public policy." Damn straight. Let's enlist all the MTV personalities as advisors.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"The Republican National Committee is aghast. Al Gore hired feminist author Naomi Wolf as a consultant, and they are freaking out like drunken banana slugs on a salt flat."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"PBS is proud to announce its daring new Unsolved Mysteries series, with shows answering such unanswerable questions as: How do the English reproduce? Where are all the baby pigeons? and Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Kids today obviously don't understand why we old fart baby boomers keep droning on and on about how the 60s were so much better. But we changed the world, nipple-ring-boy, and don't you forget it."

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