Stories by Will Durst

"After 100 years of reforming the primaries, we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the cigars from the smoke-filled rooms."

Durst writes: "Clinton, Netanyahu and Arafat aren't leaving their peace talks until they agree on something. Since small stumbling blocks remain -- like the PLO's unwillingness to give up its charter declaration calling for the total destruction of Israel -- I have some fail-safe fallback promises they can keep."

Durst writes: "During the Paula Jones deposition, Clinton allegedly admitted to having an affair with Gennifer Flowers even though he denied it back in 1992. Press Secretary Mike McCurry said both answers are true. That's called reverse double spin, with a twist. Lets not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he has some sort of rare six year memory black out disease. It could be he'll admit an affair with Ms. Lewinsky in the year 2004."

Durst writes, "Clinton recently said of the process of compromise on the budget battle 'which came first, the chicken or the egg.' Yeah, right, Bill. And what is the sound of one hand clapping. If a comedian tells a joke and no one hears it, is it funny? Man, I grew up hating philosophical conundrums, and those stupid tutorial aphorisms as well. My parents filled me chock full of those little edifying witticisms. 'Remember Billy there's more than one way to skin a cat.' Oh terrific Dad, please, could you catalog them all?"

Will Durst writes, "Ross Perot reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out another vice presidential candidate with qualifications that would be considered underwhelming for a unincorporated county council race. Of course, the little guy was turned down more often than a freshman nerd at the senior ball. He must have asked three or four thousand elected officials before settling for Pat Choate, an economist whose isolationist theories include hiding behind a thick wall of bundled sticks and throwing sharp rocks at people who wear different clothes. "

Durst on the Wilson v. Clinton campaign, "Projected onto the candidates malleable features will be holographic recreations of all the great American heroes; Teddy Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Harriet Tubman all right, admittedly, a line will be drawn. But we can still expect virtuoso performances from two career politicians who if ambition were cheese would each resemble Switzerland. A title match the whole world yawns awaiting: Brie vs. Gouda."

"We ought to support the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to strike evolution from their textbooks by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. Like history -- just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that."

Durst writes: "Maybe Saddam's agreement is just a ruse in order to rig up the UNSCOM security cameras so all they see is a blank loop tape of happy Iraqis making powdered milk while feeding orphaned duckies on the side."

Durst writes, "Lies are important. We couldn't survive without lies. We just need a different name for some of them. LIES sounds so perjorative. What do you call the correct response to 'Honey, do these pants make me look fat?' Is that a lie? No, that's self defense. You can't outlaw lies, then only outlaws will tell lies. If you make lies illegal, the very fabric of society would unravel. Think of it; our streets cluttered with the hollow eyed shells of lawyers, politicians and advertising executives."

Durst writes, "So all the really important pundits, the ones with network TV gigs, are going around saying that Dole looked pretty good at the debate. Compared to what? The mummified remains of an ancient shmushed possum obliterating the yellow double line of I-40? Yeah, compared to the State of the Union Address response where he looked like he had risen from the dead to read us our rights, he was positively perky."

It had to happen in Florida; somebody at a Wal- Mart complains about the front of a displayed t-shirt that proclaims, "Someday A Woman Will Be President". And the store pulls the shirt saying it doesn't fit the store's family values standards.

Now that Viacom -- which owns MTV, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon -- has gobbled up CBS, its programmers are having cross-fertilization wet dreams. When they breed classic CBS shows with flashy MTV cuts, you can expect to see programs like "Walker: South Park Ranger" and "Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps..."

Durst writes: "Well, Kenneth Starr finally found his smoking bimbo. Kathleen Willey has divulged all to '60 Minutes' which is as close as you can get in America of a public confession. She spoke of a simpler time, way back in 1993, when Bill Clinton invited her into the Oval Office and tried to get her to touch his, well ... the leader of the leader of the Free World."

Durst writes, "Bill Clinton, the man who owes more to soft money than Joseph Gallo owes to crushed grapes is petitioning the Federal Election Commission to abolish the 'soft money' loophole. Oh, there you go. Next, I suppose Mark McGwire is going to ask Major League Baseball to declare any ball leaving the field of play is an out. "

Durst writes, "Bob Dole is trying to impale Clinton on a $425,000 donation from an Indonesian couple, and not having much luck. Seems that the Dolemeister received a couple of bucks from the same source himself. "

"In a time capsule regression to eleventh grade, the boys in Washington have decided to play chicken with America...Neither side shows signs of backing down and a showdown on that big bluff overlooking the mall is inevitable."

"Kenneth Starr is scheduled to clean out his office next week. Imagine he's off to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban how to be puritanical."