Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG."
"It's official. All kids are evil, all media responsible and all parents accomplices in the Littleton tragedy. I know because the experts have descended onto the talk shows like a gaggle of sullen vultures ripping at the national wound with their beaks sharpened on the dry stone of academia and told us so. "
Durst writes: "In a address to the country that was shorter than Baby Spice's skirt, the President of the United States tangentially admitted he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Monica Lewinsky. Kind of vague. A lot of things are inappropriate between two people..."
Durst writes: "A recent study says that during the aging process the male brain shrinks faster than the female brain. The good news is scientists actually found a male brain. Iran is going to raise the $2.5 million bounty on Salman Rushdie. Hey, aren't they violating some sort of Muslim assassination salary cap?"
Durst writes, "Al Gore hired himself some defense attorneys, which means he's trying to look as presidential as possible. Bill Clinton is most worried about the bizarre pattern of storm and high pressure known as the El Reno Effect."
Durst writes: "Ian Wilmut, a British researcher working at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland, cloned a sheep the other day, and people are flipping out like their morning coffee was spiked with major doses of primo Owsley acid. The purple kind. If you can clone a sheep, then all sorts of ethical questions lie in wait right around various similar looking corners, not the least of which is; will society be better off with hundreds of Heather Lockyears littering Hollywood Boulevard?"
Will Durst writes, "The Southern Baptist Convention has called for a boycott of the Disney Corporation because of their treatment of gays. Their gripe is that Disney is providing health benefits to partners of gay employees. The chutzpah! What kind of fiendish despotic villains would stoop to treating gay employees as humans?"
Durst says, "Former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders announced she's about to host a nationally syndicated talk show. I still can't figure out why she was fired. What did she say? First she said the legalization of drugs should be studied, because crime is 60% drug related. That's true. It didn't help her son got busted for selling cocaine. That was a bad PR dovetail."
Durst on the Democratic National Committee: "Now the People's Republic of China has links to suspicious campaign contributions to the Democratic National Committee. Oh, there you go. Clinton needs to hear this the same way a three legged fox needs to hear the horn sounding the start of the hunt. Might want to get an early start on those memoirs, Bill."
"Maybe we can convince Governor Jesse Ventura to take a well-deserved sabbatical to lead a group of expatriate Soldier of Fortune or World Wrestling Federation types into Belgrade to kick some Serbian butt and abscomb with Mr. Ethnic Cleansing himself while abusing him worse than a set of encyclopedias owned by a family on the Jerry Springer Show."
Dan Quayle is running for President -- this shifts the focus of late night talk show hosts from the groin of the President and the sleeves of the Chief Justice to the mind of the former Vice President. Which is as unlike a steel trap as Fort Lauderdale is a ski resort.
Durst writes: "Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr do not like each other. This is not new news. Kind of like saying sharpened pungii sticks don't mix well with mylar balloons. Or that different Slovak clans should be separated at the dinner table. Or burning embers and gasoline soaked rags do not make good between-meal snacks."
Durst writes: "Now let me get this straight. U.S. Representative Jay C. Kim, a Southern Californian Republican, is running for re-election while wearing a court ordered ankle bracelet and under house arrest in Washington, D.C., after pleading guilty to 10 misdemeanor counts of accepting $250,000 in illegal campaign contributions. And yet this guy is still determined to represent his district."
Durst writes: "The Philippines largest opposition party nominated Joseph Estrada, a former movie star, as their presidential candidate in next year's elections. The party, known as the Struggle of the Nationalist Filipino Masses, obviously needs a jump start, as their name is one of those that fall trippingly off the tongue like a genetic compound's enzymatic base. It also may go a long way in explaining why Philippines is spelled with two p's and Filipino is only spelled with one."
Durst writes: "Since J. Edgar Hoover created the FBI's Most Wanted List, 422 of the 449 fugitives on the list have been captured. The others have either died or are thought to have become local Republican Party Chairmen ... A lot of NFL rookies are trying to adjust to receiving huge checks for playing ball. In college, they were used to cash ... Sylvester Stallone has agreed to star in Rambo IV, but he wants to see the script first. Right, Mr. 'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' is worried about scripts."
Durst writes, "Last night was an odd little evening spent under the tail of a comet. More impressive in theory than in actuality. A rare astronomical triple treat featuring the Planet Mars shining pink above the eclipsing moon while 160 degrees on the other side of the sky, the Hale Bopp Comet strode towards the sun like Little Richard with a flaming cape. And I remain unimpressed."
Durst writes, "Financial analysts are extremely excited about the mall jams that started the day after Thanksgiving; 'signaling a robust Christmas retail period.' What they don't mention is that shopping for the next three weeks will be a field trip on a bus without seats to a stuck elevator in one of the deepest cellars in Dante's sixth level of hell. The seventh level, of course, is reserved for the return counter the day after."
Will Durst reports from the Republican Convention in San Diego. He writes, "'"American dream'. 'American dream'. Sure the American dream is alive, only not here in America. We haven't heard word one about jobs, but we did get an earful of Newt Gingrich, fresh from exile under a rock GOP security had been stomping on all week, gurgling in front of a national audience that "Freedom is beach volleyball". You can't make stuff up like this."
Nine out of 10 historians agree; Reagan picked George Bush Sr. in an effort to appear Presidential, and in turn, Bush had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a 36 inch Exacto Knife to come up with Quayle. If George W is indeed destined for an August balloon inundation, who the hell could he possibly choose?
Durst writes: "Since the Republicans are just making up the rules as they go along in this whole Impeachment thing, I thought we should assist them and update historical slices and popular phrases as they would have been if the times were like they are now here, there and then."
Durst writes: "Because unemployment is at an all time low, some folks have landed themselves occupations in which it is safe to say they are less qualified than goldfish running snowblowers ... I'm talking about people who are confused by their shoes who have keys."
Durst writes: "The toughest job in Washington, D.C., these strange days isn't the president's or even his battery of lawyers', but rather that of the First Lady, whose smile is so tight you can hear the enamel cracking during extreme close ups."
Durst writes: "For reasons known only to him and his best bud God, the Reverend Jerry Falwell thinks Ellen Degeneres should be called Ellen Degenerate. Why? Because her head faces the other way when she has sex. She probably eats sandwiches that aren't pressed turkey breast on white bread with mayonnaise as well. Personally, I think a clergyman who panders to the petty prejudices of what he considers a narrow minded flock is the real degenerate. Face it, God is an orgasm, and he/ she/ it doesn't care how which path we take to heaven, Reverend."
Durst writes, "Since December is to hard news what Jamie Farr is to Ibsen, the whole world now knows of the Oakland, CA Board of Education's resolution requiring its teachers to understand and appreciate black English, and to say the response has been provocative is real similar to calling an oil refinery's sloughing pool unsuitable for pre school swimming lessons."
Durst investigates the double-speak of the Republicans and Democrates. He writes, "WHAT THEY SAY: (Republicans) We value the women of our party. WHAT THEY MEAN: The ones that don't demand control of their bodies. WHAT THEY SAY: (Democrats) Families First. WHAT THEY MEAN: First Families Firster."
Durst says, "It's hard to figure out what's funnier about Steve Forbes' dweebal rise to the top of the GOP barrel. That a guy who's as telegenic as a big toe with a cramp is leading the pack or the whining of the other candidates that he's spending too much money."
Alabama Prison Commissioner, Ron Jones, the gentle soul responsible for reviving chain gangs in May has just reinstituted that Hollywood staple, the rock pile. He said turning rocks into gravel is "something meaningful for these inmates."
"Has some sort of transfer of power been enacted that we don't know about? I'm thinking the chain of command is so mixed up here, it's only a matter of time before Chelsea and Socks and Buddy start determining policy."