Comic Will Durst says that Republicans still cling to that cute Victorian credo that the only people savvy enough to vote are white male landowners with large areas of flea infested facial hair. What today, minus the muttonchops, are commonly referred to as Corporate CEOs.
"After 100 years of reforming the primaries, we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the cigars from the smoke-filled rooms."
Durst writes: "Clinton, Netanyahu and Arafat aren't leaving their peace talks until they agree on something. Since small stumbling blocks remain -- like the PLO's unwillingness to give up its charter declaration calling for the total destruction of Israel -- I have some fail-safe fallback promises they can keep."
Durst writes: "I imagine the U.S. State Department is telling the Indian government, 'Of course we'll treat you like adults. It's just that unless you start to behave more like we say, not only will you lose another month's allowance, but you'll be grounded until the millennium and sent to bed without any curry.'"
Durst writes: "During the Paula Jones deposition, Clinton allegedly admitted to having an affair with Gennifer Flowers even though he denied it back in 1992. Press Secretary Mike McCurry said both answers are true. That's called reverse double spin, with a twist. Lets not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he has some sort of rare six year memory black out disease. It could be he'll admit an affair with Ms. Lewinsky in the year 2004."
Durst writes: "I know why the Giants were swept in the NL Division Series by the Marlins. Its the same reason Princess Diana and Mother Teresa died within days of each other. And obviously the cause of the problems with the Mir Space Station."
Durst writes, "Clinton recently said of the process of compromise on the budget battle 'which came first, the chicken or the egg.' Yeah, right, Bill. And what is the sound of one hand clapping. If a comedian tells a joke and no one hears it, is it funny? Man, I grew up hating philosophical conundrums, and those stupid tutorial aphorisms as well. My parents filled me chock full of those little edifying witticisms. 'Remember Billy there's more than one way to skin a cat.' Oh terrific Dad, please, could you catalog them all?"
Durst writes, "Welcome to Budget Impasse Two. This time, it's personal. We got to set an example to our reluctant negotiators. Locking all the Republican freshmen together and playing Hootie and the Blowfish till their ears bleed might send a message to future hard line Congressdweebs. Or cancel their paychecks. Not these weenie temporary cancellations, like a suspended allowance either. No, we're talking zero, zip, nada, money... gone-O. Just like tax day, only different."
Will Durst writes, "Ross Perot reached into his bag of tricks and pulled out another vice presidential candidate with qualifications that would be considered underwhelming for a unincorporated county council race. Of course, the little guy was turned down more often than a freshman nerd at the senior ball. He must have asked three or four thousand elected officials before settling for Pat Choate, an economist whose isolationist theories include hiding behind a thick wall of bundled sticks and throwing sharp rocks at people who wear different clothes. "
Durst says, "Well, the Caucuses are over and now the arguments are raging about who was the real winner. Bob Dole obviously because he didn't completely keel over from acute bile backup and now he has time to ask Ted Turner to colorize him."
Durst on the Wilson v. Clinton campaign, "Projected onto the candidates malleable features will be holographic recreations of all the great American heroes; Teddy Roosevelt, Harry S. Truman, Harriet Tubman all right, admittedly, a line will be drawn. But we can still expect virtuoso performances from two career politicians who if ambition were cheese would each resemble Switzerland. A title match the whole world yawns awaiting: Brie vs. Gouda."
"We ought to support the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to strike evolution from their textbooks by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. Like history -- just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that."
"We've recently had the Oscars, the Comedy Awards, the Country Music Awards; the Emmys are coming up and now I'm weighing in with the most important of all: the Will Durst Thank God They Exist Because I'm A Comic Awards."
Durst writes: "You got to love these guys. First they hold their annual convention in Salt Lake City in a snotty attempt to kick holier than thou sand in the Mormons face, and then they make a decision to drag themselves kicking and screaming into the 13th century by declaring 51 percent of the population subservient to the other 49 percent."
Durst writes: "Maybe Saddam's agreement is just a ruse in order to rig up the UNSCOM security cameras so all they see is a blank loop tape of happy Iraqis making powdered milk while feeding orphaned duckies on the side."
Durst writes, "At the recent Media & Democracy Congress II, here in New York, all hell broke out for no apparent reason every time you turned around ... But the Congress was a major success. Many contacts were made, adult amber beverages were drunk and agendas were furthered. For one, a consensus was reached: that Media and Democracy are not mutually exclusive terms."
Durst writes, "Lies are important. We couldn't survive without lies. We just need a different name for some of them. LIES sounds so perjorative. What do you call the correct response to 'Honey, do these pants make me look fat?' Is that a lie? No, that's self defense. You can't outlaw lies, then only outlaws will tell lies. If you make lies illegal, the very fabric of society would unravel. Think of it; our streets cluttered with the hollow eyed shells of lawyers, politicians and advertising executives."
Durst comments on the recent re-election of Newt Gingrich: "Actual side-by-side headlines on the front page above the fold of the New York Times, Jan. 8, 1997: 'G.O.P. Narrowly Re-elects Gingrich As House Speaker, Despite Ethics Accusations' and 'Malaria Makes a Comeback, And is Deadlier than Ever.'"
Durst writes, "So all the really important pundits, the ones with network TV gigs, are going around saying that Dole looked pretty good at the debate. Compared to what? The mummified remains of an ancient shmushed possum obliterating the yellow double line of I-40? Yeah, compared to the State of the Union Address response where he looked like he had risen from the dead to read us our rights, he was positively perky."
Durst says, "More cuddly than teenagers in the back of a station wagon at a post-prom keg party, Disney and McDonalds are getting hitched. But it's not a shotgun wedding. It's a corporate bonding between the ultimate icons of American Imperialism. Mickey Mouse and Ronald McDonald, as the proud fathers, are handing out Cuban cigars and drinking rare single malt Scotch until the wee hours toasting the slow ugly demises of the Burger King and Alan Ladd Jr."
It had to happen in Florida; somebody at a Wal- Mart complains about the front of a displayed t-shirt that proclaims, "Someday A Woman Will Be President". And the store pulls the shirt saying it doesn't fit the store's family values standards.
"Its awards season again! The "Too Little Too Late Too Short Award" goes to George W. for leaping onto the campaign finance reform bandwagon by the edge of his fingernails. The "Roll Over And Scratch My Belly You Adorable Beast Award" goes to the media for their hard hitting coverage of John McCain. And the "At Least He's Got A Future As A Short Order Cook Award" to Gary Bauer."
Now that Viacom -- which owns MTV, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon -- has gobbled up CBS, its programmers are having cross-fertilization wet dreams. When they breed classic CBS shows with flashy MTV cuts, you can expect to see programs like "Walker: South Park Ranger" and "Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps..."
Durst writes: "Well, Kenneth Starr finally found his smoking bimbo. Kathleen Willey has divulged all to '60 Minutes' which is as close as you can get in America of a public confession. She spoke of a simpler time, way back in 1993, when Bill Clinton invited her into the Oval Office and tried to get her to touch his, well ... the leader of the leader of the Free World."
Durst writes, "Congress has gone underground for the winter like 535 individual bears in search of extremely safe caves lain with piles of soft money. But don't get too elated, they'll be back. There is much to do. Plenty of stuff still works. Here are the high points, if you have the nerve to call them that, of the first half of the 105th Congress' mucking up."
Durst writes, "Bill Clinton, the man who owes more to soft money than Joseph Gallo owes to crushed grapes is petitioning the Federal Election Commission to abolish the 'soft money' loophole. Oh, there you go. Next, I suppose Mark McGwire is going to ask Major League Baseball to declare any ball leaving the field of play is an out. "
Will Durst thinks Dennis Rodman is a role model: for Rocky Horror Picture Show graduates. As a result of kicking a cameraman in the groin, "The Bad Boy of Basketball is expected to appeal his fine, citing discrimination since Rodman is the only professional athlete to dress as a woman. He also agreed to pay the cameraman $200,000 in an out-of-court settlement, which considering his salary is like a tip at a Denny's to us."
Durst writes, "Bob Dole is trying to impale Clinton on a $425,000 donation from an Indonesian couple, and not having much luck. Seems that the Dolemeister received a couple of bucks from the same source himself. "
Will Durst writes, "A British scientist announced that a pill restoring full function to impotent men is now in the final stages of clinical testing and could be available for sale as early as next year, which to millions of American men must be like saying the fountain of youth and a scratch golf handicap is right around the corner. The drug is called Sildenfil and works by increasing levels of cyclic GMP which sounds good, but to be honest you're talking to a guy who didn't know his GMP needed to be recycled."
"In a time capsule regression to eleventh grade, the boys in Washington have decided to play chicken with America...Neither side shows signs of backing down and a showdown on that big bluff overlooking the mall is inevitable."
"First we mistakenly bombed civilians but eventually we got over it. Then we accidentally bombed an innocent embassy, but we got over that too. The United States is fast becoming known as the country that can't bomb straight. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean NATO."