Stories by Will Durst

Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” as well as his one-man show “BoomerAging: From LSD to OMG." subscribe to Will Durst's feed

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Dust writes, "In his press conference on recent revelations that his administration used the White House as a money bag drop, Clinton made it absolutely clear: 'We didn't do anything wrong and we promise not to do it again, and we can't recall if and when or where it may have happened. Which it didn't.' Well that clears things up like a lousy decade old 8mm print of a vampire flick at a foggy drive-in theatre in the Andes with votive candles throwing the projection."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Mr. Gingrich actually said out loud in front of people with microphones, 'We're more than just the cynical, venal, narrow, corrupt profession that all too often is a reflection of the current culture.' Of course, you are Newt. You're also manipulative, lying, scornful, unscrupulous, swindling, avaricious, grasping, virulent, cheating, fraudulent and petty."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst thinks Bob Dole is in the middle of an identity crisis. He writes, "Bob Dole's campaign policy is similar to intimating that the Antarctica tourist board has been slack in its attempt to attract surfing conventions. The man can't even convince himself. So far his best stab at it has been, 'Bob Dole envisions an America that is different -- maybe.'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Democratic National Committee leaders recently met with Madison Avenue advertising executives to explore new ways to market the Democratic Party. Suggestions from Durst include: "The Democrats. Like Perot's Party, Only Different." "Democrats Good. Republicans Bad." "The Democratic Party. No Newts." "Dem Dems. We Got Our Mojo Working." "Democrats 'R Us" (with a cigarette holder on the backwards R).

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst on the weather: "Today there's big news. There's a heat wave in the Midwest. Imagine that. Heat. In the Midwest. In July. What's next? The Pacific Ocean is moist. The French can be annoying."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"The Republican National Committee is aghast. Al Gore hired feminist author Naomi Wolf as a consultant, and they are freaking out like drunken banana slugs on a salt flat."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"PBS is proud to announce its daring new Unsolved Mysteries series, with shows answering such unanswerable questions as: How do the English reproduce? Where are all the baby pigeons? and Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Kids today obviously don't understand why we old fart baby boomers keep droning on and on about how the 60s were so much better. But we changed the world, nipple-ring-boy, and don't you forget it."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "One of the big arguments for impeachment ... is America will lose the respect of other world leaders. I just want to know one itty bitty thing. What other world leaders? The Pope? If he knows what's good for him, he'd better respect Clinton, since Bill puts the moves on anything in a dress."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "PBS is getting a measure of heat lately for marketing 'The Teletubbies' to fill that all important 1-to 2-year-old niche in the toy market. What's the big problem? America today is not about making things, it's about buying them. And what better time to start nurturing a consumer mentality in children than when they have yet begun to speak."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "I don't trust subliminal tapes. I'm always afraid the subliminal message is 'Buy more tapes.' I don't trust dogs wearing clothes. Bandanas, sweaters, pants, culottes. Nothing. They're spooky."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, the man worth $40 billion who insists on eschewing hair products, and his lovely Microwife, Melinda, have moved into their new Lake Washington digs after seven years and about umpteen ecological injunctions. And rumor has it, the damn Microhouse is already worth less money than the $50 million it cost to erect, because it was built to such weird flippo unit quirky Micro specifications."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "In the first three months of the 105th Congress, 57 separate campaign finance reform bills have been introduced. Guess how many have a chance of actually getting passed? If you responded with any number higher than the amount of Popes now living who are not Polish, you are more misguided than sushi at a ballgame."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Part two of Will Durst's Christmas wish list.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst writes, "Isn't this that time of the year when partially tanned economists go back to school and predict a substandard Christmas sales season because we the public will not buy enough new stuff. How dare we? Just exactly who do we think we are?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst says, "They've been sniping at him for months but Bob Dole remains so far in front of his Republican rivals right now, I doubt they can see the back of his pruney little neck due to the curvature of the earth."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

During a recent interview, MTV correspondent Tabitha Soren asked the President about ending the tax deduction for cigarette advertising, to which he replied, "It's an interesting idea. Nobody ever raised it to me before. Maybe you should be here making public policy." Damn straight. Let's enlist all the MTV personalities as advisors.

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"As a holiday special I would like to spotlight a few toy ideas that failed to achieve liftoff this year, including Old McDonald's Genetically Modified Veal Farm, Tickle Me Mumia and Clinton Logs."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"And now for another delectable treat from my classic Washington Cookbook! This one's called 'Fiscally Myopic Budget Crockpot,' and all the ingredients you need are: One bunch of tax cut proposals; 435 egos (any size will do); and 8-10 large sprigs of Presidential Ambition."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"The most hated woman in America, Linda Tripp, got a new job as a public affairs specialist. Did you get that? Public affairs specialist!"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Big tobacco companies say they're worried about Project Head Start. Give me a break. That's like a guy who makes his living dumping toxic waste into a river getting all worried about the little tadpoles."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Say what you will about those wacky Indians, they just proved they possess International cajones the size of The Great Barrier Reef by joining the We Can Really Screw Things Up Big Time Club."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "The current slight of hand the Clinton administration is busy busy busy distracting us with, is maintaining it has the right to attack Iraq in order to force Saddam Hussein to open sites to weapons inspectors based on Security Council resolutions. And also because we're way bigger and we've done it before. The unwritten 'Big Dog' chapter of the New World Order."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "So, here I am on the fabled Information Superhighway. It'll be easy to recognize me; just look for the grease spot behind the overturned big rig. Road kill in the bread down lane. For crum's sake you guys, I don't watch the 50 channels I have now. The hell am I supposed to do with 500!?! "

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Today, Newt Gingrich will probably be the first Republican in 60-plus years to be re-elected to the post of Speaker of the House, and to be perfectly honest, the Democrats aren't exactly crying in their beer. For one thing, compared to the guys who might replace him, the Evil Dough Boy is a freakin moderate. His obvious successor, Dick Armey -- just a little to the right of Attilla the Hun -- would declare open season on Democrats starting with another deer in the headlights on the character highway: Bill Clinton."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The big political news is the deep debate over the debate about the debates. Yes, it seems Dole and Clinton have gotten so woundup, they can't even decide how to disagree."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst is trying to find the brightside of Pat Buchanan becoming president: "He wouldn't have to build that fence he keeps talking about because both Mexico and Canada would build fifty foot walls of broken glass tipped razor wire to control our emigrants."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Will Durst on lying your way out of a political mess, "First Nixon abdicated because of tapes, now Packwood resigns because of his diaries. It's true, Washington just doesn't get it. The secret seems pretty easy to me. So here is your Will Durst Handy Hints to scamming your way through."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"Here's an idea. Maybe George W really doesn't know if he did cocaine or not. Maybe he was so cranked out of his mind for such a long time, he simply can't remember."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"There are a few things you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear in this year's Masters tourney. Like, 'Look at this consistency: 7... 7... 7...'"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "The US Government is conducting a study of the Y2K, the year 2000 computer bug. What do you want to bet the study is going to take three years?"

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Durst writes: "Trailer courts. God hates them. I don't know why. Tornadoes. Mudslides. Hurricanes. Earthquakes ... You name it. God hits them with it. All over the world."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford rumors in response."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes: "According to 'Talkers' magazine, the trade mag of talk radio, 'politics' doesn't work anymore. Americans apparently tired again of listening to the Washington edition of the Bickersons. I blame Bob Dole. Anybody trying to light a fire off the spark of last year's Presidential election is going to end up flopping around gasping for breath like a guppy on the linoleum floor of a Woolworth's pet aisle. I've seen more exciting hedge trimmings."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "The television industry, which is to say a group of people with the instincts and morals of steroid poisoned ferrets in heat, has decided to pre-empt Congress and police itself with a ratings system of its own design. Oh, yeah. That's going to work. Next we can put sharks in charge of salmon hatchery security. Appoint Charles Keating as civilian chairman of the House Banking Oversight Committee."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Durst writes, "Well, we've narrowed it down. Either Bob Dole intends to launch an all out attack on California or not. Chances are he's going to ditch our state faster than a Disney employee with a cigarette when old big ears turns the corner. Or then again, maybe he plans on pouring 80 percent of every cent he raises in these last three weeks into it. Yeah, right, and maybe the meat of Madagascar hissing cockroaches will take over as America's favorite taco filling."

Posted on: Apr 25, 2000, Source: deleted

Bob Dole is blaming Clinton for gas prices rising 14 percent in the last 13 weeks. He wants to repeal Clinton's gas tax, ignoring the fact that he voted for even higher gas taxes earlier on. Durst writes; "He is the ultimate grandparent. One of those, 'do as I say, not as I do' kind of guys."

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