Durst writes, "You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford rumors in response."
Durst writes: "According to 'Talkers' magazine, the trade mag of talk radio, 'politics' doesn't work anymore. Americans apparently tired again of listening to the Washington edition of the Bickersons. I blame Bob Dole. Anybody trying to light a fire off the spark of last year's Presidential election is going to end up flopping around gasping for breath like a guppy on the linoleum floor of a Woolworth's pet aisle. I've seen more exciting hedge trimmings."
Durst writes, "The television industry, which is to say a group of people with the instincts and morals of steroid poisoned ferrets in heat, has decided to pre-empt Congress and police itself with a ratings system of its own design. Oh, yeah. That's going to work. Next we can put sharks in charge of salmon hatchery security. Appoint Charles Keating as civilian chairman of the House Banking Oversight Committee."
Durst writes, "Well, we've narrowed it down. Either Bob Dole intends to launch an all out attack on California or not. Chances are he's going to ditch our state faster than a Disney employee with a cigarette when old big ears turns the corner. Or then again, maybe he plans on pouring 80 percent of every cent he raises in these last three weeks into it. Yeah, right, and maybe the meat of Madagascar hissing cockroaches will take over as America's favorite taco filling."
Bob Dole is blaming Clinton for gas prices rising 14 percent in the last 13 weeks. He wants to repeal Clinton's gas tax, ignoring the fact that he voted for even higher gas taxes earlier on. Durst writes; "He is the ultimate grandparent. One of those, 'do as I say, not as I do' kind of guys."
Durst says, "Didn't know how I felt about the Million Man March until I heard that Newt Gingrich was dead set against it. So now I support it, but fervently hope Mr. Farrakhan's diarrhea of the mouth migrates south and incapacitates him all day."
"One doesn't have to be a genius to figure out the only people who would be interested in a fingerprint-resistant gun would be people who don't want to leave any fingerprints and want to shoot something. I'm thinking bad guys."
"It's official. All kids are evil, all media responsible and all parents accomplices in the Littleton tragedy. I know because the experts have descended onto the talk shows like a gaggle of sullen vultures ripping at the national wound with their beaks sharpened on the dry stone of academia and told us so. "
Durst writes: "In a address to the country that was shorter than Baby Spice's skirt, the President of the United States tangentially admitted he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Monica Lewinsky. Kind of vague. A lot of things are inappropriate between two people..."
Durst writes: "A recent study says that during the aging process the male brain shrinks faster than the female brain. The good news is scientists actually found a male brain. Iran is going to raise the $2.5 million bounty on Salman Rushdie. Hey, aren't they violating some sort of Muslim assassination salary cap?"
Durst writes, "Al Gore hired himself some defense attorneys, which means he's trying to look as presidential as possible. Bill Clinton is most worried about the bizarre pattern of storm and high pressure known as the El Reno Effect."
Durst writes: "Ian Wilmut, a British researcher working at the Roslin Institute in Midlothian, Scotland, cloned a sheep the other day, and people are flipping out like their morning coffee was spiked with major doses of primo Owsley acid. The purple kind. If you can clone a sheep, then all sorts of ethical questions lie in wait right around various similar looking corners, not the least of which is; will society be better off with hundreds of Heather Lockyears littering Hollywood Boulevard?"
Will Durst writes, "The Southern Baptist Convention has called for a boycott of the Disney Corporation because of their treatment of gays. Their gripe is that Disney is providing health benefits to partners of gay employees. The chutzpah! What kind of fiendish despotic villains would stoop to treating gay employees as humans?"
Durst says, "Former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders announced she's about to host a nationally syndicated talk show. I still can't figure out why she was fired. What did she say? First she said the legalization of drugs should be studied, because crime is 60% drug related. That's true. It didn't help her son got busted for selling cocaine. That was a bad PR dovetail."
Durst on the Democratic National Committee: "Now the People's Republic of China has links to suspicious campaign contributions to the Democratic National Committee. Oh, there you go. Clinton needs to hear this the same way a three legged fox needs to hear the horn sounding the start of the hunt. Might want to get an early start on those memoirs, Bill."
"Maybe we can convince Governor Jesse Ventura to take a well-deserved sabbatical to lead a group of expatriate Soldier of Fortune or World Wrestling Federation types into Belgrade to kick some Serbian butt and abscomb with Mr. Ethnic Cleansing himself while abusing him worse than a set of encyclopedias owned by a family on the Jerry Springer Show."
Dan Quayle is running for President -- this shifts the focus of late night talk show hosts from the groin of the President and the sleeves of the Chief Justice to the mind of the former Vice President. Which is as unlike a steel trap as Fort Lauderdale is a ski resort.
Durst writes: "Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr do not like each other. This is not new news. Kind of like saying sharpened pungii sticks don't mix well with mylar balloons. Or that different Slovak clans should be separated at the dinner table. Or burning embers and gasoline soaked rags do not make good between-meal snacks."
Durst writes: "Now let me get this straight. U.S. Representative Jay C. Kim, a Southern Californian Republican, is running for re-election while wearing a court ordered ankle bracelet and under house arrest in Washington, D.C., after pleading guilty to 10 misdemeanor counts of accepting $250,000 in illegal campaign contributions. And yet this guy is still determined to represent his district."
Durst writes: "The Philippines largest opposition party nominated Joseph Estrada, a former movie star, as their presidential candidate in next year's elections. The party, known as the Struggle of the Nationalist Filipino Masses, obviously needs a jump start, as their name is one of those that fall trippingly off the tongue like a genetic compound's enzymatic base. It also may go a long way in explaining why Philippines is spelled with two p's and Filipino is only spelled with one."
Durst writes: "Since J. Edgar Hoover created the FBI's Most Wanted List, 422 of the 449 fugitives on the list have been captured. The others have either died or are thought to have become local Republican Party Chairmen ... A lot of NFL rookies are trying to adjust to receiving huge checks for playing ball. In college, they were used to cash ... Sylvester Stallone has agreed to star in Rambo IV, but he wants to see the script first. Right, Mr. 'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' is worried about scripts."
Durst writes, "Last night was an odd little evening spent under the tail of a comet. More impressive in theory than in actuality. A rare astronomical triple treat featuring the Planet Mars shining pink above the eclipsing moon while 160 degrees on the other side of the sky, the Hale Bopp Comet strode towards the sun like Little Richard with a flaming cape. And I remain unimpressed."
Durst writes, "Financial analysts are extremely excited about the mall jams that started the day after Thanksgiving; 'signaling a robust Christmas retail period.' What they don't mention is that shopping for the next three weeks will be a field trip on a bus without seats to a stuck elevator in one of the deepest cellars in Dante's sixth level of hell. The seventh level, of course, is reserved for the return counter the day after."
Will Durst reports from the Republican Convention in San Diego. He writes, "'"American dream'. 'American dream'. Sure the American dream is alive, only not here in America. We haven't heard word one about jobs, but we did get an earful of Newt Gingrich, fresh from exile under a rock GOP security had been stomping on all week, gurgling in front of a national audience that "Freedom is beach volleyball". You can't make stuff up like this."
Nine out of 10 historians agree; Reagan picked George Bush Sr. in an effort to appear Presidential, and in turn, Bush had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a 36 inch Exacto Knife to come up with Quayle. If George W is indeed destined for an August balloon inundation, who the hell could he possibly choose?
Durst writes: "Since the Republicans are just making up the rules as they go along in this whole Impeachment thing, I thought we should assist them and update historical slices and popular phrases as they would have been if the times were like they are now here, there and then."
Durst writes: "Because unemployment is at an all time low, some folks have landed themselves occupations in which it is safe to say they are less qualified than goldfish running snowblowers ... I'm talking about people who are confused by their shoes who have keys."