Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
"Oh my God, here we go again. Wake up and be afraid, because the liberals are planning to mess with health care again."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"One potential election folly: At some time during a campaign a staffer will let it slip he thinks Hitler was misunderstood. Not Hitler himself, but his motives. Only in the Pat Buchanan campaign will it turn out to actually be the candidate."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"One doesn't have to be a genius to figure out the only people who would be interested in a fingerprint-resistant gun would be people who don't want to leave any fingerprints and want to shoot something. I'm thinking bad guys."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Jesse Ventura refereed at a recent WCW event. There was a bit of a protest from some of the wrestlers who thought the presence of a politician would cheapen the sport."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Purely in the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for those of you in desperate need to get to work on time. Number One: Do everything you can to avoid getting stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper stickers. Fake an accident if you have to."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Now that Viacom -- which owns MTV, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon -- has gobbled up CBS, its programmers are having cross-fertilization wet dreams. When they breed classic CBS shows with flashy MTV cuts, you can expect to see programs like "Walker: South Park Ranger" and "Yo! Bryant Gumbel Raps..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Doctors in LA have voted to unionize, leading to the specter of severely unintelligible picket signs..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The manufacturer of Beanie Babies announced the entire collection will be retired at the end of the year. Even though he shares their cuddly nature, it is not expected this action will affect Strom Thurmond."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Dateline: Virginia, August 31, 2004. Tobacco companies boosted wholesale prices by another 75 cents a pack on Monday, in part to pay off the trillion dollar Asian health care settlement reached last week, and in part to increase their profits to around $14 a pack."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Here's an idea. Maybe George W really doesn't know if he did cocaine or not. Maybe he was so cranked out of his mind for such a long time, he simply can't remember."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Libya's Moammar Qaadafi is looking for a public relations agency to improve his image. So I devised a couple advertising campaigns to turn the Q man into a cuddly international pooh bear ...."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The Kansas State Board of Education took two webbed foot steps backwards by deleting every reference to evolution in their science curriculum. Then they sprouted gills jumped into a tar pit and waited for their momentum to carry them back into single cell bliss."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"We ought to support the Kansas State Board of Education's decision to strike evolution from their textbooks by suggesting other objectionable course subjects to be struck. Like history -- just change the whole course of study to reflect the way we'd want it to be. Oh, that's right, we've already done that."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The Iowa straw poll: the first playoff game in Campaign 2000 is over, and there are about as many winners as there were losers. Actually, most folks managed a foot in each camp...."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"George 'Wussmonster' Bush refuses to admit or deny using cocaine because, he says, he would send a bad message to impressionable youths. Which means what? He was doing it wrong? Swabbing it onto his underarms with Q-Tips?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Twenty five years ago the President of the United States abdicated, and now we miss him more than a sinner misses confession. Because without the evil heart of Nixon, my generation's whining is a hollow thing without a center."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"And now for another delectable treat from my classic Washington Cookbook! This one's called 'Fiscally Myopic Budget Crockpot,' and all the ingredients you need are: One bunch of tax cut proposals; 435 egos (any size will do); and 8-10 large sprigs of Presidential Ambition."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"When a new report revealed that 87 percent of doctors are frustrated with HMOs, the HMO industry reacted with such slippery doublespeak that they sounded like they were beaming about the report. That's kinda like a bunch of fat lazy cobras welcoming the arrival of a division of mongoose SWAT teams."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Can someone please tell me what is the damn deal with the freaking greedy scum sucking oil companies? Either they're handing hundred dollar bills to our congressmen or they've got negatives showing those same lawmakers in post coital bliss sucking on goat hooves."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"After 100 years of reforming the primaries, we've gone back to the same exact way of electing a President. The only thing we've managed to do in 100 years is eliminate the cigars from the smoke-filled rooms."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's getting warmer. Good news for you Montanans looking forward to planting backyard coconut palms. Bad news for you homo sapiens in favor of an ozone."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The NAACP is threatening to sue the major television networks because not one of their twenty six new shows premiering this fall features a minority star. But the NAACP must have been misinformed. Asians are constantly popping up as rickshaw drivers and launderers in Martial Law, and aren't there plenty of wacky Puerto Ricans garbling English as various restaurant workers in Friends?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The worst thing about the US victory in the Women's World Cup is young girls are now going to grow up under the impression they're equal to men. How irresponsible of us!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"PBS is proud to announce its daring new Unsolved Mysteries series, with shows answering such unanswerable questions as: How do the English reproduce? Where are all the baby pigeons? and Why is the other side of the pillow always cooler? as explained by Stephen Hawking."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"One trillion dollars. That's what the US Government found in the pants pockets it got home from the cleaners. Just your ordinary roll of ten billion hundred dollar bills. Like winning your average lottery jackpot of $5 million 200,000 times and not having to pay taxes on it because you're the guy who collects the taxes..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Although we probably offended authorities by being drunk in public and utilizing firecrackers -- not necessarily smiled upon within local zoning codes -- I think of it as Civil Disobedience: the best way to prove our independence."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"'Compassionate Conservatism' -- Like me, you must be worrying: what other two word self canceling campaign keynotes are available for the marginal flotsam candidates to scrounge for? I'm glad you asked."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Maybe we can convince Governor Jesse Ventura to take a well-deserved sabbatical to lead a group of expatriate Soldier of Fortune or World Wrestling Federation types into Belgrade to kick some Serbian butt and abscomb with Mr. Ethnic Cleansing himself while abusing him worse than a set of encyclopedias owned by a family on the Jerry Springer Show."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Loveable old President Bill will only be 55 years old when he retires into public service as a marketing dream. And there's plenty of ways he could cash in ..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Number 2: Sixteen courtside seats to the NBA playoff games. Find out name of teams involved and what the deal is. Hint: get Mandy to debrief Spike Lee. What else is going on? Football or that thing on ice with sticks?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"First we mistakenly bombed civilians but eventually we got over it. Then we accidentally bombed an innocent embassy, but we got over that too. The United States is fast becoming known as the country that can't bomb straight. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean NATO."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's bad enough the airlines raised economy class rates for the third time this year. Now they want to take our coffee away. Sirs, have you no sense of decency?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"What They Say: The crash of the F-16 was caused by engine failure. What They Mean: That's what happens when anti aircraft artillery hits an engine; it fails."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The State of Louisiana can't get rid their swamp rat problem, so in the great American tradition of making lemonade when you have lemons, they're trying to market it. All they really need is a decent ad campaign and I'm here to help..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's official. All kids are evil, all media responsible and all parents accomplices in the Littleton tragedy. I know because the experts have descended onto the talk shows like a gaggle of sullen vultures ripping at the national wound with their beaks sharpened on the dry stone of academia and told us so. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Most people come to New Orleans for the music. For me it's the food. This place is to food what Los Angeles is to silicone. Unless you think cholesterol can kill; and then N'Awlins is an AK-47 with a grenade launcher. The neutron bomb of cuisine. Destroys your internal organs, but leaves the will to drink intact. Nutritional Chernobyl."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Here's the deal. We're way too nice. People love to lose wars to us. We got snotty little countries lined up like we're handing out free gold-filled jelly donuts begging for the chance to goad us into kicking their butts."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"I think the United States should be able to convince Slobodan Milosevic that a 'Land For Peace' deal is in his best interest. After all, look how well it worked out for the Sioux."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It seems we've pummeled those pesky Serbs close to submission with too many Cruise missiles and now we're running out. Doesn't that just wrap your undies in a knot bundle the size of Madagascar?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Something you'll hear in my golf foursome you'll never hear on the pro tour: 'Oh great. Didn't make it past the ladies tee again. Who's got the sunblock?'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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