Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
In his search for a running mate, George W Bush is sending out background questionnaires to prospects, which include such questions as: "Complete this statement. Women: A) Should be seen barefoot and pregnant but not heard, B) Are best served with lemon butter and capers, or C) Deserve to be executed just like normal people."
Posted on Jun 20, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Gas prices in Chicago have risen to around $2.15 a gallon. Add that to the rising cost of housing and you have to ask yourself: how long before the Tokyo Chamber of Commerce starts recruiting people to enjoy their lower cost of living?"
Posted on Jun 13, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Al Gore is being accused of being a slumlord. Who of us never thought he looked a little beady around the eyes?
Posted on Jun 13, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"This can't be good. The top three finishers in the 73rd Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee were all home schooled. Which means they do not go to public school, nor do they go to private school, but rather to the privatist of all schools."
Posted on Jun 7, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Will Durst interprets the 10 Commandments of Politics, including, "There are no winners in politics. Only losers who haven't hit the Finish Line yet."
Posted on Jun 7, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The NRA plans to open a theme restaurant in Times Square tentatively titled 'NRA Sports Blast.' Now, I can figure out what the 'sports' part signifies, it's the 'blast' component that intrigues me."
Posted on May 30, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"After relentlessly pursuing ABC on his daily radio show for weeks, Rush Limbaugh auditioned to become the new announcer on Monday Night Football. What a great idea. A stadium is much better suited to accommodating the ego of Jabba the Talk Show Host."
Posted on May 30, 2000, Source: AlterNet
A recent Supreme Court ruling about sex on cable TV means one simple thing: Boobies! All the time, anytime, of any day.
Posted on May 23, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Turns out our Ministry of Foreign Relations has more leaks than an umbrella made out of perforated jellyfish entrails.
Posted on May 23, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The Million Moms met the Second Amendment Sisters for the Mother's Day public relations shoot out at the DC Corral on gun control, and the result was pretty much a draw.
Posted on May 16, 2000, Source: AlterNet
George W loves his new secret plan to save Social Security -- all the excitement of taking a stand without any of the messy details.
Posted on May 16, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Pets.com sued Late Night With Conan O'Brien for defaming the company's sock puppet, proving once again that corporations without senses of humor should not be allowed to feature comedic ad campaigns.
Posted on May 2, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The Actors Guild just announced its first strike in 12 years. Pretty funny, coming from a group of people who face a 95 percent unemployment rate.
Posted on May 2, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Its awards season again! The "Too Little Too Late Too Short Award" goes to George W. for leaping onto the campaign finance reform bandwagon by the edge of his fingernails. The "Roll Over And Scratch My Belly You Adorable Beast Award" goes to the media for their hard hitting coverage of John McCain. And the "At Least He's Got A Future As A Short Order Cook Award" to Gary Bauer."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Brothers and Sisters, step right up to see the strangest collection of political candidates this side of a Louisiana governors race. Freaks of nature. Chameleons. Shape shifters. If things keep going the way they're headed, Bush will end up the fighter pilot, and McCain will transform into the favorite son of Texas with vocabulary dyslexia."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"As damage control, George II is supposedly calling major donors and party stalwarts to let them know although the ship may be have a tiny hole, its still full speed ahead. Sounds to me like the same plight the S.S. Minnow experienced. And that was a mere three hour tour."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Gary Bauer's Primary Day Schedule: 8:00: dig up graveyard looking for fetuses ... 12:00: spank naughty boys at Concord Orphanage ... 7:00: victory party in old Photomat booth near airport."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"In politics, it's not enough to be a winner, you got to be a big winner. But the biggest winners of all are the residents of Iowa, who don't have to suffer through another invasion of carbon based manure spreaders for another four years. Big big losers? The people of New Hampshire, next on the list of the soon to be fertilized."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Everybody has their panties all atwitter because CBS digitally altered the background of a couple of newscasts to replace a competing background logo with theirs. 'What about our sacred journalistic integrity?' What about it? What about when every reporter in the Persian Gulf rolled over like a troupe of trained Pomeranians with pretty pink bows in their hair during the war?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"First Al moves his campaign headquarters to Nashville, then Hillary moves out so fast she leaves skid marks I just hope Bill doesn't get a complex out of this. All this on the heels of Ted Turner and Jane Fonda splitting up."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Will Durst shares perhaps the most important top 100 list of the second millennium: The top 100 human body parts.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Has some sort of transfer of power been enacted that we don't know about? I'm thinking the chain of command is so mixed up here, it's only a matter of time before Chelsea and Socks and Buddy start determining policy."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Here are a few of the service upgrades rumored to be implemented: double-lined airsick bags now minty fresh; attendants instructed to shriek at you: 'Suck sand and die' with a smile; gravel used to fill headrests to be pounded smaller."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"What would you get for this year's Presidential candidates? For Bill Gates: Janet Reno in his dreams. For John McCain: Negative of that photo of George W dancing naked on a bar...."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"As a holiday special I would like to spotlight a few toy ideas that failed to achieve liftoff this year, including Old McDonald's Genetically Modified Veal Farm, Tickle Me Mumia and Clinton Logs."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Trump vows to spend $100 million to get the Reform Party Nomination, while Buchanan vows to send his sister to every state if he has to. The two do have things in common. Both are opposed to the World Trade Organization; both think special interests wield too much control and both are about as electable as Marilyn Manson after he gets that one breast attached to his torso."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It was an odd afternoon in Seattle. The Longshoremen were on strike, the cabs were on strike, and dumpsters were set on fire by masked youth battling police on front lines filled with tear gas and stun grenades. If the cheese were a little better and the waiters a mite ruder, you'd of thought you were in France for the day."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Too bad the delegates and the protesters aren't allowed to mingle: they could comfort themselves at some of the best book stores in the country to sit and sip and not communicate in."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Nine out of 10 historians agree; Reagan picked George Bush Sr. in an effort to appear Presidential, and in turn, Bush had to scrape the bottom of the barrel with a 36 inch Exacto Knife to come up with Quayle. If George W is indeed destined for an August balloon inundation, who the hell could he possibly choose?
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The Republican Party gritted its teeth so hard, they actually drew gum blood when endorsing San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown's re-election bid. Must have been similar to the excitement a family of cobras feels while puffing up hoods to elect a mongoose to watch over their nest."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"I would have thought Larry Holmes had a better chance of copping the role of Laura in an Off Broadway production of 'Glass Menagerie' before I said this out loud, but, well, here goes: Donald Trump is my man."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The Republican National Committee is aghast. Al Gore hired feminist author Naomi Wolf as a consultant, and they are freaking out like drunken banana slugs on a salt flat."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Well, well, well. Looky here. Bill Gates got his little microchip weenie dusted and slapped by Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson's findings of fact, when he decided the antitrust case against Microsoft without a jury."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Yes, supermodels are selling their eggs. What's everybody flipping out about? George Carlin and Dennis Miller both sold their integrity for the sake of some bullshit ripoff 10-10 number. There's the frickin crime."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The race for the Democratic nomination for President is shaping up to be the most boring since my third grade social studies teacher rammed through Marni Minor as hall monitor on the straight 'Because I said so' ticket."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Any Republican senator in favor of campaign finance reform is: A) a commie pinko yellow rat bastard; B) running for President; or C) obviously not up for reelection in the year 2000?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Halloween, the holiday celebrating the soulless undead means Election Day is the following Tuesday. And the two have a lot more in common than sharing the same linear space of a calendar page."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"I'm sure Republicans are poised like a flock of mangy turkey vultures on a telephone wire overlooking a pen of diseased baby chicks waiting to unleash Even More Clever Republican Schemes To Balance The Budget."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Kenneth Starr is scheduled to clean out his office next week. Imagine he's off to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban how to be puritanical."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"In the perfect ironically twisted ending to the Reagan legacy, conservatives are wringing their hands because Edmund Morris' long awaited new biography of Ronald Reagan provides little or no insight into the man. Hello!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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