Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
Durst writes: "This Latrell Sprewell thing is getting all out of hand. Now it's a race thing. Which is similar to calling the Jesse Helms/ William Weld deal, an accent thing. No. The relationship between him and PJ Carlesimo was more complicated than that. Like San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown so impolitically said, 'Maybe the coach deserved to be choked.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Had an awkward moment at the first Bulls Knicks game. It seems Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert showed up in the same dress. Gennifer Flowers is going to testify at the Paula Jones trial, and you know Clinton can be thinking of only one thing: threesome."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Al Gore hired himself some defense attorneys, which means he's trying to look as presidential as possible. Bill Clinton is most worried about the bizarre pattern of storm and high pressure known as the El Reno Effect."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "The House introduced 3036 bills in the session just ended, and 59 have become law. That's a batting average of .011, definitely below the Mendoza Line. The Senate did worse, 19 for 1568. Hell, even Michael Jordan hit better than that in AA."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "So the deal is, Congress has a full plate coming up next year, and here's some of the tasty morsels they're going to wipe off the sides of their mouths with napkins woven from taxpayers dollars ... HMO Reform: Opponents, surprisingly including the HMO industry, warn reform will mean higher costs and overcrowding. Apparently better care leading to fewer deaths has no effect on the bottom line."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Congress has gone underground for the winter like 535 individual bears in search of extremely safe caves lain with piles of soft money. But don't get too elated, they'll be back. There is much to do. Plenty of stuff still works. Here are the high points, if you have the nerve to call them that, of the first half of the 105th Congress' mucking up."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Before we were so rudely interrupted, I think we were speaking of the 105th Congress finishing up their first half exhibiting the grace of an elephant on an escalator. Let's continue shall we? Education: Denied administration money to develop reading and math tests. Message here being; an educated electorate tends not to favor incumbents."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "The defense for Louise Woodward said the strategic decision to let the jury consider only a first or second degree murder charge in the death of 8 month old Matthew Eappen now 'can be seen as a mistake,' and they want the judge to consider a manslaughter charge that they earlier eshewed. Get it: they want take-backs."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "The Unabomber Journals have been released to the general public, and surprisingly it turns out Ted Kaczynski was more twisted than your average rock and roll drummer after a two week gig in Amsterdam. Who knew?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Hey guys, it's November. Most excellent! When we all sit and give thanks while eating bird flesh. I guess we give thanks that we're not birds. I'll be honest, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday -- food, family and football. Three of the four F's. The big old family reunion which I look forward to, until five seconds after I hit the front porch, and then I remember why I left home. And they still make me sit at that stupid foldup cardboard kids' table. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "You got to feel sorry for Chinese President Jiang Zemin. The poor guy comes over here ostensibly on a trade mission, announcing a $3 billion purchase of passenger planes from Boeing, which after all our whiny talk about deficits, he has to assume will be met with some half way positive press. Wrong! He ends up sharing news coverage with Richard Gere, and since China doesn't get Entertainment Tonight, he can't even float a couple of spurious Cyndi Crawford rumors in response."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "I smoke cigarrettes. Yes, I inhale the burning exhaust of a cylindrical tube full of tobacco into my respiratory cavaties filling the pores of my lungs on purpose. Just a little something I do for me. Isn't it great that gays came out of the closet just in time for us smokers to go in?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Will Durst writes, "The Senate killed campaign finance reform again. Trent Lott, the new Senate Majority Leader, told his peers the legislation 'is too important to address right at this point in the heat of the national election campaign,' which is like saying 'the wearing of a condom is too important to address because sex is imminent'."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "At the recent Media & Democracy Congress II, here in New York, all hell broke out for no apparent reason every time you turned around ... But the Congress was a major success. Many contacts were made, adult amber beverages were drunk and agendas were furthered. For one, a consensus was reached: that Media and Democracy are not mutually exclusive terms."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "During the Senate IRS investigations, Senators were shocked to hear reports of arrogance and gouging. Can't tell if they were more outraged or jealous. ValuJet changed its name to Airtran Airlines, and doubled their maintenance operation, which means what: two wrenches?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Hey guys, this is Durst with your Alan Greenspan watch. Following a heavy meal, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan reportedly burped yesterday, sending shivers through Wall Street that nearly brought down several International commodities exchanges. This was immediately after his dinner companions at the upscale Midtown Manhattan Benningan's restaurant seemed disappointed in the size of their portions, but Greenspan just grunted, which was interpreted as perhaps indicative that lowered expectations are the wave of the future."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Congress has returned to session to find itself split into two bitter forces. The Republicans led by Newt Gingrich. And the Republicans not led by Newt Gingrich."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "October is the tenth month, although it got its name from the Latin word Octo, meaning "eight" because it used to be the eighth month of the year before Julius and Augustus conspired to have their load of egotistical crap dumped into the mix."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "There are two kinds of people in the world. Those of us who split the world into two kinds of people and those who don't. Since I'm one of the former, here's more examples."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Right now, Janet Reno is considering whether to appoint a special investigator to investigate the invesitigation that surrounds the Vice President to see if he breathes through his lungs or has hidden gills."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "I know why the Giants were swept in the NL Division Series by the Marlins. Its the same reason Princess Diana and Mother Teresa died within days of each other. And obviously the cause of the problems with the Mir Space Station."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "And now it's time for the August (okay, I'm a little late) episode of: YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP LIKE THIS!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Earlier we started giving Congress its first term report card. Let us finish the behavioral sciences, shall we?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Flying under the radar of a nation mourning over the death of one the world's most cherished treasures, and yes, I'm speaking of our premier clown painter, Red Skelton, the House voted itself a $3000 pay raise in a fast track action that would make Mach 3 appear as lethargic as a Steven Seagal action sequence filmed in strobo vision."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, the man worth $40 billion who insists on eschewing hair products, and his lovely Microwife, Melinda, have moved into their new Lake Washington digs after seven years and about umpteen ecological injunctions. And rumor has it, the damn Microhouse is already worth less money than the $50 million it cost to erect, because it was built to such weird flippo unit quirky Micro specifications."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "When the shadow of Autumn Equinox looms larger than the hair growing out of the mole of the cafeteria lady's nose, it's time to think of school. Every screaming runny nosed child running around with someone else's money is back. Including Congress, and how apropos of them to call their summer vacation a recess."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "A one sentence 46 word provision slipped into the humungous tax cut legislation which gave a $50 billion, yes, billion, tax break to the tobacco industry was repealed by a 95 to 3 vote in the Senate yesterday. Not surprising. These days, tobacco is less popular than Mike Wallace at a corporate stockholders annual meeting wearing leiderhosen."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "You got to love lawyers. The same way you got to love an out of control nitroglycerine truck rampaging into a post prom beach bonfire."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Since J. Edgar Hoover created the FBI's Most Wanted List, 422 of the 449 fugitives on the list have been captured. The others have either died or are thought to have become local Republican Party Chairmen ... A lot of NFL rookies are trying to adjust to receiving huge checks for playing ball. In college, they were used to cash ... Sylvester Stallone has agreed to star in Rambo IV, but he wants to see the script first. Right, Mr. 'Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot' is worried about scripts."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Okay, buckle up me boyos, because I'm going to lay a heavy weird one on you here. Billie Jean Matay, former mousketeer "Billie" in the troupe that performed at Disneyland's opening in 1955 says an armed man stuck a gun in her neck recently in the Happiest Place on Earth's parking lot and took her money and jewelry."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "Bud Selig, the owner of the Milwaukee Brewers and self appointed Grand Poobah of Major League Baseball, who is to subtlety what Oliver Stone is to screwball comedy has rationalized his proposed radical realignment of the sport by citing polls of casual fans who said it didn't matter if teams switched leagues or employed the designated hitter rule across the board."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "The game of politics is one of the inherent problems you have with a political appointment. Another can be witnessed in Iraq where Saddam Hussein's eldest son, Odai, in an example of nepotism gone horribly awry, was appointed head of the Iraqi soccer federation."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "We have come to trust our elected officials to exhibit greed and petty underhandedness, after all they're paid to represent us, but every once in a while they manage to do something so incredibly shallow and self serving, it takes your breath away. Grab a quick mouthful of oxygen and check this out."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "In an announcement with a staggering potential about on a par with Newt Gingrich declaring he's the new spokesperson for Slimfast, Whitewater independent counsel Kenneth Starr has formally ruled Vince Foster's death a suicide. Oh no."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes: "The stock market hit 8000 the other day and shares of Microsoft led the rally with a gain of $9.97 to close at $148.44, pushing the Redmond, Wash.- based software giant ahead of Coca-Cola to become the second most valuable company in the nation behind General Electric. Bill Gates, also affectionately known as Chairman Bill, Mr. Vaporware and the Gnome Without a Comb, owns 23.7 percent of Microsoft, thus pocketing a cool $2.8 billion for one day's non work. I've heard of making a killing in the stock market, but this would have to qualify as genocide."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Michael Jordan has come out with a line of toiletries including a signature shampoo. Michael Jordan Shampoo. The hell would that be: a wet nap?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "The Southern Baptist Corporation overwhelmingly approved a boycott of the Walt Disney Co. to protest what church leaders say are the company's gay friendly policies. Baptists don't like friendly people. No, they believe in an ornery, vengeful Jesus with oozing blisters rubbing against the straps of his sandals, and are quite willing to go to whatever lengths it takes in order to keep people who think differently than them from being treated equally."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Bill Clinton has sought to initiate a yearlong nationwide discussion on race, which most likely means a marathon session of honing our name calling skills into a fine subtle precision. But except for naming a blue ribbon commission, the President weighed in with less specifics than you'd get on the side of one of those Ginseng Tea boxes."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "Bill Clinton, the man who owes more to soft money than Joseph Gallo owes to crushed grapes is petitioning the Federal Election Commission to abolish the 'soft money' loophole. Oh, there you go. Next, I suppose Mark McGwire is going to ask Major League Baseball to declare any ball leaving the field of play is an out. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Durst writes, "ABC just announced an agreement with American Airlines to give frequent flyer miles for watching certain television shows on the network's schedule. Oh yeah, that's just what we need. Couch potatoes with a purpose. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
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