Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
Durst writes: "This whole Viagra thing is getting out of hand. So to speak. The San Francisco Chronicle featured the headline ... 'Viagra: Big And Getting Bigger.' And Newsweek followed with 'Rising To The Occasion.' Can't wait for George Magazine to follow up with, 'I Got Your Executive Privilege Right Here.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "El Nino has been blamed for everything from the poor boxoffice of 'Primary Colors' to the substandard quality of strip bars around the New Orleans airport. The only good news is El Nino is about to check out with a gasping whimper, but lurking in the shadow of her brother's demise is the second act; La Nina."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "A study commissioned by the National Cable Television Association found that violence on TV was so bad, they had to avert their eyes when they sent out the results. Their conclusion? Don't watch TV, but if you have to, don't watch cable TV, except Xena. And if you have to watch cable besides Xena, whatever you do, please, please, don't get HBO."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Now let me get this straight. U.S. Representative Jay C. Kim, a Southern Californian Republican, is running for re-election while wearing a court ordered ankle bracelet and under house arrest in Washington, D.C., after pleading guilty to 10 misdemeanor counts of accepting $250,000 in illegal campaign contributions. And yet this guy is still determined to represent his district."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Despite studies that show more younger kids are trying marijuana than ever before, Baby Boomer parents apparently don't think their kids are involved. I love this. They underestimated the availability of pot and whether their children's friends were smoking it. Probably think because they lost all their connections, they don't exist anymore."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The Clinton administration announced it will permanently ban imports of 58 types of military style assault weapons. The ones that snuck through a loophole in the last permanent banning. The National Rifle Association claims these guns are legitimate hunting rifles. OK. I can buy that argument. I mean, you can also use a chain saw to cut butter. Just going to get a little messy around muffin time is all I'm saying."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "It's a day of monumental upheaval here in the nation's capital where the spirit of red white and blue bipartisanship is shaking the town like a hula dancer with a hotfoot ... Newt Gingrich singlehandedly pushed through an iron clad Campaign Finance Reform Bill that will forbid any contribution over ten bucks."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "According to who you believe, Boris Yeltsin either squelched his competition or had a brain fart the size of Siberia this week when he fired his entire Cabinet. Supposedly he only wanted to get rid of Viktor Chernomyrdin, his Deputy Prime Minister, who had gotten a bit uppity after filling in for Boris during part 14 of his winter tour of Soviet rehab centers. The lesson we learn is never become more competent than your boss."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "And now in light of the Jonesboro tragedy, let's get the response from the NRA spokesman, Rock Hardney ... "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Due to the fact that thousands of girls barely bigger than the family sized tub of popcorn have seen it so many times, memorizing which way the individual drops of water move, the movie 'Titanic' has become the largest grossing picture in history. Now you can say many things about Hollywood executives but you can't call them stupid."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "A recent study says that during the aging process the male brain shrinks faster than the female brain. The good news is scientists actually found a male brain. Iran is going to raise the $2.5 million bounty on Salman Rushdie. Hey, aren't they violating some sort of Muslim assassination salary cap?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "You know what drives me nuttier than squirrel breath? Idiot drivers. More precisely, idiot drivers who for some strange reason have a vendetta against me. You think I'm being paranoid?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "'Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome this year's recipient of Man of the Year Award presented by Cutler's Kneepads; the President of the United States of America.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Well, Kenneth Starr finally found his smoking bimbo. Kathleen Willey has divulged all to '60 Minutes' which is as close as you can get in America of a public confession. She spoke of a simpler time, way back in 1993, when Bill Clinton invited her into the Oval Office and tried to get her to touch his, well ... the leader of the leader of the Free World."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Every American Working Family's Wish List: A Living Wage. A Live-in Nanny. A Closed Circuit Nanny Cam. A Four Wheel Drive Corvette Station Wagon. Flex Time (Meaning Work More Flexible to Families Instead of Vice Versa). Tax Credits for Child Care. Tax Credits for Macaroni Cheese and Tuna Casseroles."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Speaking of China. Jiang Zemin compares the Chinese treatment of Tibet to Lincoln emancipating the slaves. The only difference being Lincoln ended a rein of brutal repression and the Chinese started one. Don King got robbed at gunpoint in Mexico. Now he probably knows how pay per view boxing fans feel after a first round knock out."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The IRS is under Congressional mandate to become less like the Spanish Inquisition and more ... well, cuddly. And to be honest, it's having a harder time than Dan Quayle with his MENSA membership application. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Trailer courts. God hates them. I don't know why. Tornadoes. Mudslides. Hurricanes. Earthquakes ... You name it. God hits them with it. All over the world."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Tax season descends upon us like the shadow of a cow dropped from a hot air balloon onto a redwood picnic table."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "You want to know why people are cynical these days? Why they tend to trust their average fellow human about as far as you could throw a Chrysler Le Baron Convertible? ... Because crap which we all know to be more useless than a roll bar in a helicopter is hyped and plugged and advertised as God's gift to plastic happy consumers."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Maybe Saddam's agreement is just a ruse in order to rig up the UNSCOM security cameras so all they see is a blank loop tape of happy Iraqis making powdered milk while feeding orphaned duckies on the side."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "In this whole ugly DC Zippergate mess with leaks and accusations of leakers and massive leaking, the one dry rock, and I mean stone cold solid hunk of granite is the Hillmeister. Not too surprising I guess. She's in the White House for crum's sake ... Ostensibly sleeping with the leader of the free world. Maybe not doing much in bed there, but power is a lot like real estate, it's all about location, location, location."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "According to the White House, the Office of the Independent Counsel has more leaks than a rubber raft used as the goal net of a nail gun fight. Starr maintains the President is the actual disseminator of misinformation in order to obfuscate the real issue, which means Bill has been lying his ass off since day one in order to save same gluteus maximus."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The state of Texas murdered a woman by lethal injection. Rubbed her arm with alcohol first and then rubbed her out. Of course Texas likes killing people. Kill kill kill kill kill; 144 since 1982. That's not just a gross of dead men, its gross. They're killing crazy down there."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The current slight of hand the Clinton administration is busy busy busy distracting us with, is maintaining it has the right to attack Iraq in order to force Saddam Hussein to open sites to weapons inspectors based on Security Council resolutions. And also because we're way bigger and we've done it before. The unwritten 'Big Dog' chapter of the New World Order."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The Republicans are taking a well deserved breather from the rigors of the Washington sex wars for another shot at changing the name of Washington's National Airport to Ronald Reagan Airport just in time for the Gipper's 87th birthday on Friday. And wouldn't we all like an airport named after us as the perfect birthday gift. Okay, well wouldn't a few of us?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "How come these great news gathering organizations can't find more than two pictures of Monica Lewinsky? There's more known existing photographs of Sasquatch. But then we've already spoke of Linda Tripp ... "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "During the Paula Jones deposition, Clinton allegedly admitted to having an affair with Gennifer Flowers even though he denied it back in 1992. Press Secretary Mike McCurry said both answers are true. That's called reverse double spin, with a twist. Lets not jump to conclusions here. Maybe he has some sort of rare six year memory black out disease. It could be he'll admit an affair with Ms. Lewinsky in the year 2004."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The toughest job in Washington, D.C., these strange days isn't the president's or even his battery of lawyers', but rather that of the First Lady, whose smile is so tight you can hear the enamel cracking during extreme close ups."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "John Glenn has received the go-ahead to return to space on the shuttle Discovery this fall. If it happens, Glenn, at 77, the first American to orbit the Earth in a Mercury 7 capsule back in 1962, would also become the oldest man in space -- after Timothy Leary, that is."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Hey everybody, there's a brand new circus in town and Paula Jones is the designated ringmaster, or head clown. I guess non-head clown would be more like it if you believe her testimony."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "I don't trust subliminal tapes. I'm always afraid the subliminal message is 'Buy more tapes.' I don't trust dogs wearing clothes. Bandanas, sweaters, pants, culottes. Nothing. They're spooky."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Will Durst writes: "I trust the post office. I trust Regis, but not Kathi Lee. I trust tug boat pilots. I trust one armed security guards, but not if they wear a gun."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "It is time for us to wipe the slate clean and start the year percolating with a couple of typically cynical predictions ... In 1998 I expect to see: Mike Tyson hit the talk show circuit to publicize his new celebrity diet book but is turned down by everyone except Jerry Springer. Drew Carey pierce his nipples on live TV, upping the 'Ellen' ante."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Jerry Seinfeld just turned down $5 million dollars a show for 22 episodes. That's $110 million dollars. Over a tenth of a billion dollars. And he said 'No!'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The Philippines largest opposition party nominated Joseph Estrada, a former movie star, as their presidential candidate in next year's elections. The party, known as the Struggle of the Nationalist Filipino Masses, obviously needs a jump start, as their name is one of those that fall trippingly off the tongue like a genetic compound's enzymatic base. It also may go a long way in explaining why Philippines is spelled with two p's and Filipino is only spelled with one."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Wisconsin. The heart of the Midwest. Although technically, it's in the Mideast, but that name was already taken, and I'm guessing we weren't willing to fight for it. The overriding philosophy of the Midwest is 'don't rock the boat.' What they neglect to tell you is there's no damn water in the pond. You can get out and walk to shore if you wish."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Merry Christmas everybody! It's that time of year when you have to make those hard decisions like whether you can re-wrap Aunt Hoogolah's fruit cake from last year to give as an anonymous gift at the company Christmas party. Then you remember the fruit cake is two years old and it doesn't even affect your crisis. So let's move on with Will Durst's patented 1997 Christmas Gift Wish List."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "So we started giving thanks that consumers are out there doing their patriotic duty of sinking heavily into debt to honor the birth of our Lord by offering up to the most deserving of us, Will Durst's 1997 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t. Let's get on with it, shall we?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "I drink beer. Being from Milwaukee. That's what we do. I don't just mean, beer is consumed. That's like saying: Sand is available in the Mojave. That Bill Gates might not be turning grey over his worry about social security coverage. That dogs have a tendency to get distracted playing chess."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
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