Stories by Will Durst
Will Durst is a political comic, syndicated columnist, AM radio talk show host and defense liability.
Durst writes: "Big tobacco companies say they're worried about Project Head Start. Give me a break. That's like a guy who makes his living dumping toxic waste into a river getting all worried about the little tadpoles."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Latrell Sprewell, who was suspended by the NBA for 68 games for choking his coach like a circus chicken, is suing his agent Arn Tellem for failing to negotiate a salary protection clause in his contract with the Golden State Warriors. Apparently there was no clause calling for an annual psychiatric study either."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Even the most heartless of us, ie Trent Lott, has to go all weepy at the sight of the striking basketball player on urban street corners holding hand made signs: 'Will Set A Pick For Food.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Clinton, Netanyahu and Arafat aren't leaving their peace talks until they agree on something. Since small stumbling blocks remain -- like the PLO's unwillingness to give up its charter declaration calling for the total destruction of Israel -- I have some fail-safe fallback promises they can keep."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Since the Republicans are just making up the rules as they go along in this whole Impeachment thing, I thought we should assist them and update historical slices and popular phrases as they would have been if the times were like they are now here, there and then."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Scientists have developed a more humane way of testing chemicals on lab animals. As a result they will have longer happier lives stuffed into their little cages."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Well, it looks like the Comeback Kid has gone too far, and is now in danger of becoming the third ring in an election circus featuring lots of trumpeting elephants. And mute donkeys."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "One of the big arguments for impeachment ... is America will lose the respect of other world leaders. I just want to know one itty bitty thing. What other world leaders? The Pope? If he knows what's good for him, he'd better respect Clinton, since Bill puts the moves on anything in a dress."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "I don't care if the President of the United States videotapes himself dressed up like Shirley Temple lip-syncing "Good Ship Lollipop." I don't care if he sneaks out at night clad in nothing but a thin layer of petroleum jelly and stiletto heels and aerates the South Lawn."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "What's going to happen now in Northern Ireland is a splinter group of the IRA splinter group calling itself the "Real IRA" will emerge calling itself the Realest IRA. And since we know this is going to happen, in the interest of efficiency it might come in handy if we name the groups in advance -- like with hurricanes."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "I imagine at state dinners even breadsticks, celery stalks and kosher dill pickles will come under excruciatingly close scrutiny. So along with everything else, Bill has managed to screw up the White House catering department as well. Asparagus spears? I don't think so."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Bill Clinton and Kenneth Starr do not like each other. This is not new news. Kind of like saying sharpened pungii sticks don't mix well with mylar balloons. Or that different Slovak clans should be separated at the dinner table. Or burning embers and gasoline soaked rags do not make good between-meal snacks."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Now that Inflato Boy has finally broken Maris' record, every yellow-blooded journalist worth his carpal tunnel syndrome is babbling incessantly about this groundskeeper guy who retrieved the ball and then just gave it to McGwire for zip, zero, nada, nothing. Not even a signed, empty 55-gallon drum of Androstenedione."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "We're probably known around the universe as the obnoxious, noisy blue planet with the expanding hole in its roof and are blamed for bringing down property values in this quadrant of the solar system. All because of TV."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Aliens' first glimpse of our culture is going to be our television programming. Well, hell, no wonder we haven't been contacted yet. They're scared out of their little alien wits of us."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "You know ol' Brillo Haid has to be happier right now to be speechifying in a foreign country than a maggot attending a high school reunion in a fresh mass grave. He managed to be gone cat gone when rumors of another intern rose like lipstick on underwear and the economy has sunk faster than an anvil in pudding."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Welcome to Clinton's summer getaway, Martha's Vineyard, where Bill plans to take the pulse of America amongst normal folks. Yeah, right! We're talking about an enclave where the talk around the pickle barrel includes comparative arguments about the chauffeur's dog's current psychotherapist."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "When he bombed terrorist bases in Afganistan and Sudan, Clinton claimed he was trying to pre-empt other terrorist attacks and had 'compelling information they were planning additional' ones. Of which I have no doubt. I'm just wondering which maniacal despot he's talking about: Osama bin Laden, or Kenneth Starr."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "In a address to the country that was shorter than Baby Spice's skirt, the President of the United States tangentially admitted he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Monica Lewinsky. Kind of vague. A lot of things are inappropriate between two people..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "First Ronald Reagan is president of the United States, and now Charlton Heston is president of the NRA, so I guess that means pretty soon Jack Palance is going to head the Red Cross."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Go for it. Break down those fashion walls. You got to start somewhere. But stay out of my way. And someone give me a beer."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Now, Kenneth Starr wants voice samples of Monica Lewinsky. Wow, are you telling me, we now have the technology to determine invasive DNA from an audio readout?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The Carl's Jr's. fast food chain has a new slogan promoting how messy its hamburgers are; 'If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face.' Now, I know the art of advertising is mostly hyperbole and exaggeration, but this phrase has a logic glitch the size of one of Jupiter's moons."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Americans don't understand any sport that doesn't involve eighth of a ton, no-neck, brain-dead behemoth pieces of premium beef tearing each other apart like the last hamburger at a mad dog picnic. And after all, in soccer, that's the fans' job."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Summer. Barefoot at a barbecue. Sinfully skinny tan lines. Sand under the elastic of your underwear. Men obviously bereft of mirrors naked from the waist up."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The US Government is conducting a study of the Y2K, the year 2000 computer bug. What do you want to bet the study is going to take three years?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, also known to many as Mediocre Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, is taking heavy heat for admitting to 'Brill's Content' magazine that he and his chief deputy may have briefed a couple of reporters during his Presidential witch hunt, unh, I mean, investigation."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "To say the Irish drink, is like saying nitroglycerine is a bad substance to fill overhanging crib mobiles with. This is the country where the swimmer, Michele Smith, was suspected of blood doping because her urine had enough whiskey in it to kill a small hippopotamus."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "You got to love these guys. First they hold their annual convention in Salt Lake City in a snotty attempt to kick holier than thou sand in the Mormons face, and then they make a decision to drag themselves kicking and screaming into the 13th century by declaring 51 percent of the population subservient to the other 49 percent."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "You can bet he's going to find stacks and stacks of records. Immediately. Probably just sitting there right on top in a big file titled 'Nerve Gas: Our Own People.' Yeah, right, and then we'll open up that other file with the big black magic marker heading: 'JFK: the Real Murderers.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The guy has been leisurely strolling for four years and forty million dollars and suddenly he's in such a hurry, he makes The Flash look like the Man of Molasses."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "New York City without dirty rude cab drivers is like Los Angeles with clean air. It's like a winter in Minneapolis wearing shorts."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Say what you will about those wacky Indians, they just proved they possess International cajones the size of The Great Barrier Reef by joining the We Can Really Screw Things Up Big Time Club."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Nike has announced reforms in its Asian factories. Wonder if this means they're going to discontinue the 'take your parents to work' day."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "The Speaker of the House wants to keep his options open to run for President in campaign 2000, so he is now in the process of renovating his image. Like a lizard shedding his skin, this recidivistic event has become anticipated in Washington like Cherry Blossom Blight or herpes."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "I imagine the U.S. State Department is telling the Indian government, 'Of course we'll treat you like adults. It's just that unless you start to behave more like we say, not only will you lose another month's allowance, but you'll be grounded until the millennium and sent to bed without any curry.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Because unemployment is at an all time low, some folks have landed themselves occupations in which it is safe to say they are less qualified than goldfish running snowblowers ... I'm talking about people who are confused by their shoes who have keys."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Some people have been calling the airlines demanding the elimination of peanuts because of their allergies. Now the airline companies, which are so sensitive to the threat of lawsuits they can smell a lawyer's fingerprints on a press release, have said they can't guarantee peanut-free flights. They counsel people to take early flights when nobody serves anything, or switch to another carrier like American, which is pretzel territory."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "Members of Jacques Cousteau's underwater film team claim the renowned French oceanographer faked scenes in his documentaries ... In one case, footage of an octopus scrambling out of a tank and hopping overboard was supposedly obtained by pouring bleach in the tank. Yeah, so?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Durst writes: "PBS is getting a measure of heat lately for marketing 'The Teletubbies' to fill that all important 1-to 2-year-old niche in the toy market. What's the big problem? America today is not about making things, it's about buying them. And what better time to start nurturing a consumer mentality in children than when they have yet begun to speak."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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