Stories by Mad Dog
Some days reading the news is every frat boys' wet dream.The news is that drinking beer may actually have benefits other than making you think you're witty, offering you the remote possibility of sex, and keeping aspirin manufacturers in business. Alcohol, it turns out, may actually be good for you.
Posted on Oct 6, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"When I'm not thinking about what's for lunch, what's for dinner, and why we pay to use free weights, I wonder about why there's always so much fighting going on. For instance, right now there is fighting in West Timor, Zimbabwe, and the apartment next door, just to name a few hot spots. Can't they just argue without fighting?"
Posted on Oct 2, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Scientists in Australia have created the Smart Bra, a bra whose straps and cups adjust depending on how you move. Although it sounds like a wonderful invention, something tells me it could feel a little creepy. Think about it: do you really want your undergarments to have a life of their own?
Posted on Sep 25, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Once Internet users welcomed porn, paying taxes, and K-Mart online -- obscene practices, all -- it was just a short step to the emergence of another one: active death sites. There have long been ghoul pools and dot-com deadpools. Now you can order a casket.
Posted on Sep 14, 2000, Source: AlterNet
There's intense pressure these days to always have a sunny disposition, laugh in the face of adversity, and spout platitudes like "I'm OK, you're OK", "C'est la vie", "Que sera, sera", and "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da." Optimism is highly overrated. And trust me, that's an optimistic statement.
Posted on Sep 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"I get plenty of mail. Ed McMahon writes weekly. Product samples like panty shields, Depends, and earwax recycling kits arrive daily. But thanks to computers, typewriters, ballpoint pens, and PDAs, the handwritten word has gone the way of the 8-track stereo. No one writes anymore."
Posted on Aug 28, 2000, Source: AlterNet
There's little question that people give off signals about sex. If you pay close attention you can tell if another person is open to the possibility of sex, dying to have sex, not interested in sex, or a nun.
Posted on Aug 21, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Excuses can be a wonderful thing. Well, as long as you're the one making the excuses and not one of those having to listen to them while trapped inside a hot airplane that's been sitting on a runway for 2 hours.
Posted on Aug 15, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Open your notebooks class, it's time to write that traditional back-to-school essay about what you did on your summer vacation. Unlike the good old days, when you did little more than play, sleep, be bored, and sulk for days because you didn't get to ride the Puke-a-Whirl a fourteenth time at Expensiveland, USA, now you should have more to write about.
Posted on Aug 4, 2000, Source: AlterNet
I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but I'm ready to adopt a new business model. I've spotted a trend which fits my life's calling to a tee: getting paid for doing nothing.
Posted on Jul 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Presidential candidates George W. Bush and Al Gore are getting a whopping five minutes of media exposure a week. Considering that the average American spends 28 minutes a week having sex, sex is nearly six times more popular than the candidates. Of course, either way you're getting screwed . . .
Posted on Jul 21, 2000, Source: AlterNet
I recently took a trip up the California coast and back down the center, and if there's one thing I learned it's that there are way too many signs in this world.
Posted on Jul 18, 2000, Source: AlterNet
We've always been told it's not the heat, it's the humidity. Well, it turns out it's neither--it's the heat index, a relatively new invention developed by a committee of meteorologists under the direction of Marquis de Sade.
Posted on Jul 6, 2000, Source: AlterNet
In LA there are over 7 million cars registered, which is more than licensed drivers. Before blaming the government for soaring gas prices, try a smarter alternative -- drive one small car.
Posted on Jun 29, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"As human beings we've got an awful lot of things backwards. We work too much, play too little, and think inhaling deeply as we walk through the fragrance department counts as stopping to smell the roses. But it's not too late. I know a way we can make sure all of us have more fun: switch to an eight-day week."
Posted on Jun 27, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog answers your most pressing questions about the aging process, including "Why is my memory getting... um... what was I saying?"
Posted on Jun 20, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Scientists have discovered why candy wrappers make noise. It's revelations like this that instill confidence in our education system.
Posted on Jun 13, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"If we understood dogs, maybe we could find out what's so much fun about running after a stick for four straight hours or if they lick themselves for the reason we all think they do."
Posted on May 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The NRA is is planning a theme restaurant and megastore in Times Square. Of all the bad ideas in the world, this one is probably the worst.
Posted on May 30, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Watching the TV show "Change of Heart" qualifies as a bona fide guilty pleasure: I enjoy it, I feel like I shouldn't, and until now I hadn't told anyone I do it. Kind of like sex for Catholics.
Posted on May 23, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Having something named after you is a sure sign that you've made your mark. Just look at Thomas Crapper, who invented the flushing toilet.
Posted on May 16, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Two recent studies says that two of the biggest problems facing kids today are that beer is too cheap and cars have too many seats. Yes, people were paid to figure this out.
Posted on May 4, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Beetles really do make nice, low-maintenance pets. After all, you don't have to walk them, they don't need a smelly litter box, and they don't hump your boss' leg while at the dinner table. For most people on your list, a standard beetle will do fine. They cost about $4.50 in Japan and can be bought in pet shops, department stores, and even vending machines."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Financial advice from Mad Dog, who doesn't invest because he knows "IPOs" stands for Idiots Purchasing Overpriced Stocks.
Posted on Apr 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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