Stories by Mad Dog
Once again I find myself canceling reservations for the Stockholm Motel 6. Yes, the Nobel Prize committee has announced this year's winners and my name wasn't among them.
Posted on Oct 16, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It's nice to see that some Russians have taken pride in their national beverage and opened the Vodka Museum. This is the Absolut truth.
Posted on Oct 2, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Corporate sponsorship and product placement is a scourge on our culture, unless, of course, it's to my benefit.
Posted on Sep 19, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Odds of hitting an elusive hole-in-one are 1 in 12,600. Since a bucket of balls costs $4, theoretically anyone could become a member of the hole-in-one club for a maximum of $1680.
Posted on Sep 4, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Society is increasingly bombarded by information and connected to new ways of getting information. But are we getting the straight facts or just hot air?
Posted on Aug 28, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Scientists discovered that all false spider mites are female. They live without men, take the trash out without men, and they have sex without men.
Posted on Aug 20, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Microsoft loves second guessing me. Every piece of their new software tries to act the way it thinks I'm going to want it to act. It's wrong 98 percent of the time.
Posted on Jul 31, 2001, Source: AlterNet
You should be afraid that they're selling Hello Kitty 1998 Bordeaux in Duty Free Stores in Europe and Asia. And even more afraid of Hello Pussy condoms.
Posted on Jul 17, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Death is supposed to be a time of permanent rest, but even when you're dead no one wants to let you be. The Mad Dog laments plans to move the remains of Nixon's dog.
Posted on Jul 3, 2001, Source: AlterNet
With the notable exceptions of Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Cobain, and Sylvia Plath, most people want to live to a ripe old age. But how?
Posted on Jun 25, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Two years ago I was thinking about buying my own town: Otis, a cute little 193-acre fixer-upper on the Oregon coast which has a gas station, Pronto Pup hot dog stand, two houses, and an empty 25-stall horse barn. I was going to re-name it Dogestan.
Posted on Jun 19, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Tip #1: Stay in a Motel 6. They leave the light on for you and won't raise their prices because of it.
Posted on Jun 12, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The only people who truly enjoy politics are Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Bill Maher, because if it wasn't for politicians they'd be saying "Do you want fries with that?" instead of "Hey, how about that Dubya?"
Posted on Jun 5, 2001, Source: AlterNet
True, money can't buy love, happiness, or peace of mind, but it can buy political office, and once you have that the other pieces fall into place.
Posted on May 29, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Cell phones are bad for children. Not because of radiation seeping into their impressionable little brains. No, it turns out that cell phones can make children stupid.
Posted on May 22, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It's easy to jump to conclusions. For example, researchers found traces of marijuana, cocaine, and a hallucinogenic chemical in some clay pipes that were unearthed at William Shakespeare's old house. They immediately assumed this meant Robert Downey, Jr. is Shakespeare reincarnated.
Posted on May 15, 2001, Source: AlterNet
As if vacations, personal holidays, sick leave, and medical insurance weren't enough, San Francisco will soon be picking up the bill for employee sex change operations. The city figured that since the health insurance already covered wart and mole removal, it should also pay for genitals.
Posted on May 8, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It's not easy being a girl. Of course this is pure conjecture on my part since I'm not a girl, never was a girl, and never will be a girl. And yes, I'm certain of that.
Posted on May 1, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It's taken 250 years, but finally you can get a genuine sandwich again. The son of the 11th Earl of Sandwich, the inventor of the sandwich, has opened a lunchtime delivery service in London's business district specializing in sandwiches.
Posted on Apr 24, 2001, Source: AlterNet
In Japan, childless women are buying human-looking monkey dolls which talk in a childlike voice and have repertoires of over 200 phrases. Kind of like Victoria Jackson with an "off" switch.
Posted on Apr 17, 2001, Source: AlterNet
There's something terribly wrong when pigs are living better than I am. Whether that says more about pigs or me is up for grabs, but to be honest I'd rather not think about it too much since I have a sneaking suspicion I know what the answer is.
Posted on Apr 10, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Hoist your Slim Jims and give a toast to Adolph Levis, who died on March 20th. He's the man who discovered that petrified meat snack you're holding in your hand while on an archeological dig in Egypt in the late 1940s.
Posted on Apr 3, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Ken Carson turned 40 on March 13th. If the name doesn't immediately sound familiar, think: "Barbie's stud muffin." Yes, that Ken.
Posted on Mar 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet
The biggest ingrate alive may be Clint Hallam, the man who received the world's first hand transplant in 1998 and recently decided to give it back.
Posted on Mar 20, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It’s never too soon to start thinking about a career for your child. After all, even though Grandma Moses, Colonel Sanders, and Santa Claus all blossomed late in life, it’s sad to think that they wasted all those years from preschool on when they could have been contributing to their parents’ retirement.
Posted on Mar 13, 2001, Source: AlterNet
It's not easy being American. Not only do we have to put up with the XFL, the Puffy Combs trial, and Regis Philbin twice a day most days, we also have to listen to people from other countries accuse us of being loud, obnoxious, arrogant, badly dressed, and fat. Come on now, we're not all badly dressed.
Posted on Mar 6, 2001, Source: AlterNet
A President's value can be determined by the denomination of currency on which he appears. So what are we to make of the $200 bill that showed up in Danville, Kentucky with George Bush's picture plastered on it?
Posted on Feb 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Shopping is serious business. Just ask anyone who's groused because stores don't hold a sale on Martin Luther King's birthday. Yet.
Posted on Feb 19, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Mad cow disease starts when a cow catches BSE, which is bovine spongiform encephalopathy. For reasons scientists don’t yet understand, certain proteins -- which are those little things that are in shampoo which do your hair no good -- go haywire, making the cows brain soft and spongy.
Posted on Feb 13, 2001, Source: AlterNet
If the XFL really wants to capture viewers and rejuvenate football they need to do more. Like create the XXXFL. Face it, nothing sells like sex. Real sex. If half the team was female and uniforms were jettisoned, they could just let nature take its course and they'd have a hit on their hands.
Posted on Feb 6, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Companies are changing names at an alarming rate. The problem is, they've run out of good names. Obviously there are only 26 letters in the alphabet and a finite number of pronounceable combinations. Unless, of course, you don’t mind sounding like Sylvester Stallone on Quaaludes.
Posted on Jan 23, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Thanks to General Mills, we can start saving time at breakfast by eating Milk n’ Cereal bars, which have Cheerios on the outside and a creamy real-milk filling on the inside. I know it sounds suspiciously like a candy bar, but that’s just semantics. There’s no way that would go with warm Coke and cold pizza.
Posted on Jan 16, 2001, Source: AlterNet
Not long ago, a man in Taiwan went to a plastic surgeon so he could look more like a pig for the new year. True, the pig is considered to be a symbol of wealth and a comfortable life, but how comfortable would your life be if you walked around with a pig nose?
Posted on Jan 4, 2001, Source: AlterNet
There comes a time during the holiday season when we have to look past the glittery tinsel, the sparkling lights, and the 1,456,975th bad rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" and remind ourselves what Christmas is all about: gifts.
Posted on Dec 12, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Isn't there something we can do with new technology other than apply it to the same old ideas? It's like the Internet -- no one has figured out what to do with this new technology that's truly unique.
Posted on Dec 5, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Elton John was in court recently where he testified that he spends as much as $2.15 million a month in living expenses. That's $71,666 a day, $2,986 an hour ($4,479 if we assume he's not a member of Sleep-spenders Anonymous), and $74.65 a minute. Not bad for a piano player.
Posted on Nov 28, 2000, Source: AlterNet
It's unsettling to discover that something as delightfully sinful as chocolate may actually be good for you. It's not just that we're being robbed of one of life's little pleasures, but once again They told us something which turned out to be wrong. Chocolate, like so many other traditionally forbidden substances, may actually be good for you.
Posted on Nov 14, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Going to the supermarket used to be fun. Now, there are way too many choices. I have to spend five minutes carefully examining each item I want to buy just to know what I'm getting myself into."
Posted on Nov 6, 2000, Source: AlterNet
It's a sad day when 25 percent of our eighteen to twenty-four year olds can't name both presidential candidates. Unfortunately that day has arrived and it's called Election Day.
Posted on Oct 31, 2000, Source: AlterNet
The news is boring. It's the delivery of the news that's the problem. TV newscasters are stoic and unflappable, newspapers couldn't find an exclamation point if their circulation depended on it, and radio's idea of news is telling us the time and temperature for the hundredth time this hour.
Posted on Oct 16, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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