Stories by Mad Dog
Mad Dog writes: "Sometimes the best solutions are the simplest ones. When confronted with how to keep your pants up, how to fasten two pieces of paper together, and how to maintain your sanity and your radio's safety when Dr. Laura's show comes on, we've developed such simple solutions as the button, the paper clip, and the 'off' switch. Contrast this with our government ... "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "Like it or not, the Holiday Season is in full swing. The Holiday Season is defined as the group of year-end celebrations which includes Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Hanukkah, though it officially begins right after July 4th when the drug stores change the seasonal sale aisles from barbecue grills, lawn chairs, and mosquito repellent to Christmas tree ornaments, candy canes, and cassettes of Slim Whitman's Christmas Favorites Volume 17. You can't say they don't give you fair warning."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "I recently had the dubious honor of taking part in another marketing focus group. This was, according to the people who put it on, 'A chance to let your opinions be heard. To make a difference ... What they meant to say was: 'We're going to put you in a room with seven strangers who were chosen for their sociopathic tendencies, inability to form a complete sentence, and advancing catatonia while we sit behind a one-way mirror watching you drink Diet Cokes and eat sandwiches that were rejected by 14 airlines.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "One of the things we were always encouraged to do while growing up -- besides eat our vegetables, keep quiet, and not stuff our sister down the garbage disposal -- was to collect things. What you collected wasn't important ... The reason behind being pushed to collect things may be tradition. Your parents were taught to do it ,so you were taught to do it, so you inflict it on your kids because, well, revenge is a strong motivation. More likely though, it was a way for your parents to try to get you to sit in your room quietly while they reminisced about how nice life was before having children."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "It should come as no surprise to you that there are no surprises anymore. Sure people still manage to pull off 30th birthday parties without the guest of honor knowing about it. Yes, the boss still gives you that annual 15 cent an hour raise without asking. And it's true that one time a couple of years ago during the full moon a man in Kansas actually put the toilet seat down when he was finished. But that's all pretty much in the past. Nowadays people feel compelled to telegraph their intentions."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "The history of mankind is broken down into eras based on the technological advances which move it forward. Thus the familiar sequence of the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the Machine Age, and the current Seinfeld Age, which is evidenced by our sudden propensity towards excessive whining, abundant and overt display of neuroses, lack of personal direction and motivation, and the ability to love completely unlovable people, probably because you're grateful they're not related to you."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "There's a major uproar going on in this country over testing. Not that this is anything new. After all, testing is always controversial. If it's not radiation testing in the desert, it's drug testing in the workplace. If it's not steroid testing in the Olympics, it's medical testing for an AIDS vaccine. Just saying the word testing seems to bring the worst out in people."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "As a nation, one of our most cherished traditions is to discover, nurture, and grossly abuse a different scapegoat each year. As if it's not enough that this is the Year of the Child, the Year of the Ox, and the Year of the Political Contribution That Wasn't Really a Political Contribution Because We Didn't Call It a Political Contribution, the U.N. General Assembly popped up and officially designated this as the Year of El Nino. Or so it seems."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "It sure is refreshing to hear that after years of having scientists solemnly declare that every food, habit and activity you enjoy is bad for you, they've finally discovered something that is not only healthy but may actually lengthen your life. Unfortunately it's broccoli sprouts."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "The famous prophet Andy Warhol once predicted that we'd each have 15 minutes of fame. I for one believe it. How else to explain Kato Kaelin, Manny the Hippie, and -- if we're lucky -- the Spice Girls?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "Slugs aren't pretty. Politics isn't pretty. Therefore electing a Slug Queen must be one of the unprettiest sights us higher order mammals can conjure up in our imagination, which as we all know is the only thing that separates us from other animals. Well, that and the desire to watch Baywatch Nights. I'm here to tell you that it's all true."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "The American public sure scares easily. No sooner do 16 people get sick in Colorado from eating hamburgers tainted with the E. coli bacteria than Hudson Foods ([it]Over 10 billion cows slaughtered![]) recalls 25 million pounds of ground beef, Burger King stops selling Whoppers and starts hoping they don't get sued for false advertising and have to change their name, and President Clinton obliviously plays a few dozen relaxing rounds of golf on Martha's Vineyard, secure in the knowledge that his beloved Big Macs weren't infected. Or affected."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
To be an urban myth, a story must be widespread anecdotal, and guaranteed to be real because a friend of a friend's second cousin by marriage knew the guy it happened to's sister's hairdresser. It's easy to tell a real urban myth. The story about the girl whose cyber-lover turned out to be her father is a myth, because no man over the age of 40 goes into an online chat room without claiming to be a 15 year-old cheerleader named Bambi. On the other hand, the theory that car alarms scream all night because they can only be heard by vandals and not the car's owner isn't a myth because it's absolutely true.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "Bill Gates made almost $3 billion dollars the other day. Okay, it was really only $2.8 billion, but what's a few hundred million amongst friends? You're probably wondering how he managed to make that much money so quickly. Well, it's easy."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "There's no question the Dog Days of summer are upon us. That's the time of the year when the thermometer hits triple digits, there's so much humidity in the air that you get in the shower to dry off, and the power company sends you daily thank-you notes because your air conditioning is making the electric meter spin faster than the Tilt-a-Whirl with a speed freak at the controls."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "No matter whether they call it cooking out, barbecuing or grilling, people are deadly serious about it. Well, men are anyway, and the last time I checked there were still a few self-help books that consider men to be people. It might be the longer light of the day -- or maybe it's the angle of the sun -- but there's something about the summer months that makes a man's fancy turn to searing flesh. Especially on Sunday: God rests, men barbecue."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "As loyal, red-blooded Americans we all feel it's our civic duty to be preoccupied with money. How to get it, how to save it, how to keep the federal government from taking it all, and how to justify having spent so much of it on those expensive new shoes. We add up all the money we threw away on those lame "Batman" sequels, including, of course, the barrels of well-oiled popcorn we ate in the process, a product, incidentally, which has the highest profit margin this side of a defense contract. Obviously money is important to us. Maybe that's why it's so disconcerting to look at the new $100 bills that have been floating around for the past year or so and wonder whose Monopoly set they came from."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "It's not easy making a name for yourself. Manufacturers spend millions of dollars advertising products to increase name recognition, politicians hold press conferences to keep their faces in front of the voters, and Angelyne has been putting herself on billboards around L.A. for a dozen years in the hope that eventually people will quit stopping her on the street and mistaking her for Space Bimbo Barbie. So how effective is all this? A recent survey by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press is revealing."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog, "Nobody's got any sense of tradition anymore. Back in the good old days -- which is defined as any era fondly recalled by being filtered through images from TV, 'Life' magazine, and a very hazy memory -- people revered tradition."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
This year marks the 100th birthday of Jell-O. Why is this artificial, often day-glo colored foodstuff so popular that it's managed to survive and grow (from four to 23 flavors) for nearly half the number of years our country has been in existence? The answer, according to Kraft, can be found in the mega-corporation's traveling Jell-O exhibit, which will showcase old ads, vintage recipe books and "the Jell-O Brick Road." After the tour, the exhibit will be permanently housed in a building in LeRoy, N.Y., soon to be christened the Jell-O Museum.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Virtual pets are dogs and cats that "live" in computers and demand attention to "survive." Tamagotchi, as they're called, have become a huge fad in Japan and have recently become available in the U.S. Mad Dog writes, "Whether people go as nuts about them here remains to be seen. But personally I think they're the perfect maintenance-free pet. Imagine, no more smelly pet food, no more messy litter boxes, and no more hoping your dinner guests aren't bothered by a furry creature trying to procreate with their leg while you're serving dessert."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "I'm dreading the impending full moon. But then, I do that every month. It's not that I'm a superstitious person -- sure, I'll go a block out of my way to avoid walking under a ladder, I throw salt over my shoulder if I spill some on anything other than my French fries, and I won't go to a Chris Farley movie for fear that I'll be bored to death -- but this is different. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "One of the great discoveries you make if you take a cross country road trip, aside from how handy an iron can be to warm up that leftover oyster Po-Boy that's been under the seat since New Orleans, is that there are way too many people with cameras."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "There's nothing like driving 4,694 miles in four weeks to make you think you've seen everything. But America's a big country. In order to see it all you'd have to drive at least 4,873 miles. Or watch the Discovery Channel non-stop until your eyes started bleeding, at which time it might be a good idea to try to find that remote you lost last November so you can switch to ER and find out what George Clooney would do about hemorrhaging eyes. Besides strike another beefcake pose for the Doctors of Hollywood calendar."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
In the third installment from the road, Mad Dog writes, "Being on the road is a game, the object being to travel from one coast to the other while seeing a lot of interesting people, places and sites without letting everyone you meet sell you something. This isn't easy, since your opponent's goal is to extract as much money from you as possible in exchange for the least useful item imaginable. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
In the second part of his "on the road" series, Mad Dog writes, "Drive across America and you'll see a lot of signs. That's the great thing about this country -- anyone with a jar of paint and a brush is free to use them as they see fit. Spelling, clarity and a compelling need are optional at best."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog's first on the road column featuring the soon to be world famous nunbun: "Unlike more traditional religious sightings, like the image of Jesus seen on the billboard for a spaghetti restaurant (supposedly true story!), this Immaculate Confection is a solid, three-dimensional object and is on display at Bongo Java, a coffeehouse in Nashville. It's really startling. There it is, lacquered for posterity in a glass case under the cash register, surrounded by an assortment of voodoo-like shrine accouterments and a sign that says, 'Do not use flashbulbs.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Just when you thought modern science had discovered everything worth finding, along comes news that makes you want to take your money out of mutual funds and invest it in lab coat futures. As if the Ab Roller, Windows 95 and no-fat chocolately almost fudge-like cookies that taste like sawdust weren't enough, scientists have successfully produced the world's first clone.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog on junk: "People will buy anything. I'm not talking about the run-of-the-mill odd things like Yanni double CD sets, microwave fondue pots and peach scented tube socks. No, I'm talking real weird. Like chipped ashtrays, pens that don't write and exercise bikes without pedals. I found this out first hand because I held a moving sale last Saturday. I don't know what it is, but there's something about a yard sale that attracts people like Bill Clinton attracts special prosecutors."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "It's good to know that love is still alive in the 90's. At least I think it is. Sure, the divorce rate's higher than Robert Downey, Jr. on a bad week. And the Internet's taken over as the number one place to meet eligible married 60-year-olds masquerading as teenage girls. But that doesn't mean you can't still find a match, does it?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog comments on the estimated 26 million dogs and 21 million cats in this country: "That's more than the combined population of Canada and Australia, though not as many as the number of people who watch a Pauley Shore movie and wonder how he keeps getting sent scripts. Even in other countries pets are important. In Italy they allow prisoners to keep small pets in their cells, like cats, fish and caged birds. That's much more progressive than the United States where they're limited to rats, cockroaches, and that cute guy who just moved into cellblock D."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Men and women see Valentine's Day very differently. Then again, men and women see just about everything differently. But the stakes are much higher on Valentine's Day. It's like the final exam for a relationship, except of course there's no book to study, no Cliff Notes to cram with, and even though there are movies which would give a man a good idea of what the day's all about, there's just no way he's going to sit through it -- especially since Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't involved.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "Once again the Japanese are on the cutting edge of technology. As if the Walkman, karoake and steak houses featuring chefs who juggle knives while throwing shrimp in the pocket of your just-cleaned leather jacket isn't enough, this time they've outdone themselves by designing the world's first electronically controlled cockroach."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "While it's true people may be asking about New Year's resolutions innocently enough, I suspect they really do it so they can go home, write it in their diary and confront me the next year by saying, "Ah ha! That's what you said last year, yet you're still collecting dryer lint in the hopes of making the Guiness Book of World Records by forming it into a replica of Mount Rushmore with the heads of Oprah, Jerry Springer, and Jenny Jones." So what's wrong with having goals in life?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog tries to take a positive look at the past year's events. He writes, "The past year has been amazingly busy here in the Dog household. Is it possible that 12 months have really gone by since my last newsletter? I'd apologize for not writing more often but since March, I got three letters back from the post office marked 'Refused,' one labeled 'Moved -- Left No Forwarding Address', and four which were corrected in red ink and graded. Not the best grades I've gotten either."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "In the spirit of Christmas giving, I hereby give and bequeath these 90's movie concepts to Hollywood, the world, and especially to you, the loyal reader sitting in your La-Z-Boy recliner with remote in hand and popcorn ball in your mouth. Here Buddy, click on this: 'Rudolph the Rosacea Impaired Reindeer' - A politically correct cartoon about a genetically engineered member of an endangered species who's harassed for being developmentally different from his peers. "
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
"Buster Mitchell wants to marry his car. He went to the courthouse and filled out an application listing his fiancee's birthplace as "Detroit," her father as "Henry Ford," and her blood type as "10-W-40." The clerk told him no go."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
"I've seen the future of sex -- Erotica USA 2000, a trade show bursting with erotic art, latex clothing, adult videos, XXXtreme Vacations and Baby Jesus butt plugs -- and honestly, it was all I could do to stay awake."
Posted on Apr 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Once the Big Three were discovered -- fire, the wheel, and the TV remote -- we suddenly had leisure time on our hands, meaning we could pursue our spiritual side. This gave rise to Christianity, yoga, the Crusades, LSD, Zen, Yanni, The Psychic Friends Network, crystals, guys in bars asking 'What's your sign?'"
Posted on Apr 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"If scientists at the Defense Department have their way we'll soon be slapping a patch on our arm -- much like the nicotine patch -- in lieu of downing a Big Mac, fries and large Coke. Think of it as a self-feeding Power Bar only better -- after all, you don't have to taste a patch."
Posted on Apr 1, 2000, Source: AlterNet
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