Stories by Mad Dog
Mad Dog writes: "Going out to eat should be a lot simpler than it is. After you figure out whether the hostess at Sizzler is considered a maitre d' and should be tipped, you get to stare at a menu that makes War and Peace look like a Post-it note while the waiter or waitress rattles off a list of specials that they've been studying for two days yet expect you to absorb at the rate of 300 words per minute."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "If you're like most of us, you look for a mate who's compatible, who you want to spend your life with, and who will put up with your counting people's toes to make sure they have five on each foot."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "If it wasn't for punctuation we'd have nothing to break up those run-on sentences, set off a series of thoughts, or show that we're excited!!!!!! But nowadays punctuation and its kissing cousin, symbols, are being usurped and changed for very nonpunctuational reasons."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Funny thing about summer, it hits a point towards the end where everything gets on your nerves no matter whether you're a bored kid, an out-of-patience parent, or those of us who have to put up with other people's bored kids and their out-of-patience parents."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that children who watch a lot of television are measurably fatter than those who don't. In the scientific world this is called a startling discovery. To the rest of us it's known as: Duh!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "The American political system is based on the idea that our elected officials ("the weasels") represent us ("the peons"). The thinking goes: We elect them and pay their salaries, therefore they're supposed to pass the laws we want them to pass. But, like the hard to find Yasir Arafat Beanie Babies, politicians go to the highest bidder.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Maybe sandwiches would be a good way to honor politicians. A Jesse Helms would be crab with deviled tongue. A Newt Gingrich would be anything on a Kaiser roll. And President Clinton? That's easy. Just rename the Whopper in his honor."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Specialization knows no boundaries. In the Netherlands, there's a veterinarian named Mario Blom who opened a hospital that only takes care of sick fish. If you go online you can find the Airsickness Bag Museum.... And believe it or not, there's even a special holiday for those who think pie is something to celebrate rather than to eat."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "There's a reason foreign food is called foreign -- it's not like what you're accustomed to eating. To me eggs that have been buried in the ground for ten years or eel brains qualify as foreign food. Especially since I didn't know eels had brains as I understand them."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "The way people talk about chefs you'd think these cooks are spending their lives trying to cure cancer or promoting world peace rather than putting excess pounds on our bodies while separating us from as much money as possible while giving us as little food as they can get away with."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It's true people are hungry for information. According to the Worldwatch Institute, by the year 2000 over four million Chinese will be online, yet only half of them will have a toilet. Now that's dedication to finding information."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "You know smog. That's the stuff that obliterates the Hollywood sign during the summer, makes the Grand Canyon appear not to have another side, and makes pilots think Mexico City has vanished like some bad episode of the X-Files. Or maybe that's a good episode."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Here in the United States pronunciation is considered a personal freedom, guaranteed in the Constitution right next to the clause that lets citizens wear crop tops and bathing suits five sizes too small no matter how overweight they might be."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "I'm sitting here flipping through back issues of Time and the daily newspaper to see if I can discover exactly when it was that everyone in the upper echelons of the business world got together for a clandestine meeting at the 22 Club (formerly the 21 Club) and agreed to chant a unified mantra of "bigger is better." Just look around. The advertising for Godzilla screams "Size does matter," which for them it does ... And then, of course, there's the phenomenal sales of Viagra, which is the final proof that an awful lot of men (and their mates) are firmly convinced that bigger is, indeed, better."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Speeches are to graduation ceremonies what the iron maiden was to the Spanish Inquisition. While the speeches are intended to educate, inform and inspire, their true function is to see who can sleep the longest with their eyes open without snoring, drooling or letting their chin touch their chest."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Viagra -- in case you've been too busy being able to have sex without a prescription to read the newspaper, watch TV, or listen to the radio -- is the new impotence drug recently released by Pfizer (which was going to be called Miracle-Gro, but unfortunately the name was taken)."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Here's a little quiz for you: If an airplane leaves London at 2:45 PM heading for San Francisco flying at an altitude of 31,000 feet, why would they think it appropriate to serve dinner an hour later when it's neither dinnertime in London nor in San Francisco, but rather somewhere in mainland China? This would almost make sense if they were serving Kung Pao Chicken, but what you actually get is a choice of Beeflike Substance in Brown-Colored Sauce or Salmon-Tinged Chalk in Goopy Red Stuff. At least they don't call it breakfast."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It took 43 years and four major theme parks but finally Disney got it right. After the battle they had in Paris and the cultural differences they had to overcome in Tokyo, they finally built a cobblestoned theme park filled with fairy tale Gothic spires, grandly baroque exteriors and walled-in castles but -- get this -- they played it smart and didn't tell anyone they were behind it! Yes, it's called Prague, and it's pure marketing genius."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Paris is a very clean city except for the dog droppings everywhere. They scrub the street light poles, flush and sweep the streets nightly, and even polish the brass edging on the stairs in my low budget hotel every day even though the carpet it holds down is tattered and torn. But the dog crap? You have to clean it off your shoes yourself."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "London's a funny place. It's a city where the babies and the old men look exactly alike -- ruddy complexion, only a couple of teeth and a blank stare. It's a city where banks routinely lose money in your account, though being the civil bunch they are they always apologise, as they spell it."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog: "Most people choose their children's name very casually. They pick something they like, often a name that honors a dead relative, a revered historical figure, a character on Beverly Hills 90210, or their favorite endangered waterfowl. Well you'd better think twice if you're in that position, because a name has more to do with how someone turns out than all the genes in their little finger."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Polls say 60 percent of parents think being President is a bad career choice. This places it right below used car salesman, lava lamp repairman, and guest on the Jerry Springer show. They probably think this because the Presidency has become such a difficult position ... The truth is, most parents don't want their children to grow up to be President because, face it, there just aren't a lot of job opportunities."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "All you have to do is spend a few hours in the desert to realize that things just ain't right there. You might say they're a bit wacky. Go ahead and say it, you'll feel better if you do. It might be the heat. It could be the isolation. Of course it could just be the people it attracts. Case in point: I was there."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "You'd think by now we'd all be comfortable with our sexuality. After all, we got through the 60's (the Sexual Revolution), the 70's (sex as a revelation), and the 80's (when sex was a regulation) without a major problem. Yet somehow we're at the tail end of the 90's and, thanks to such killjoys as Jesse Helms, the Christian Coalition and special inquisitor Ken 'Torquemada' Starr, the decade's primary motto may end up being 'Sex -- think revulsion.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "People in other countries aren't like us. This is what's commonly called a mixed blessing. On the one hand we can take pride in the fact that we didn't come up with the concept of eating raw fish, idolizing Jerry Lewis, or dancing to a band which features tuba-players in leather shorts. Then again, we have Reese's Peanut Butter Puffs cereal, Pauley Shore and Marilyn Manson. See what I mean?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Crime. It's like the weather -- everyone talks about it but no one wants to be in the middle of it, especially during El Nino. There's no question crime is one of our top concerns. And well it should be. Right after education, illegal drugs, and whether there will be another UPS strike before we can get our copy of 'Jerry Springer's Bloopers, Bruises and Black Eyes.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It starts at an early age. You know, the brain washing: graduate high school, go to college, earn at least one degree, then get a job that pays lots of money so you can live the American Dream and live happily ever after. The problem is, most of us would rather hang out at the mall, go to Europe, earn lots of Frequent Flier Miles, and win the American Family Publisher's sweepstakes so we can live the American Dream and live happily ever after."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Psychiatrists all over the country are finally starting to realize [that] legislators are going warning label crazy. There are already so many warning labels on products that by the time I finish reading them all I barely have time to use the product."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Every four years we, the American viewing public, are exposed to a lengthy display of fierce competition surrounded by an onslaught of TV commercials and pontificating commentators who pry into the most intimate personal details of the competitors' lives. No, it's not the Presidential election -- though that would be a pretty good guess -- it's the Winter Olympics."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Everyone wants to be a celebrity. We read about them, we dream about them, we watch every awards show that comes down the pike wondering what it would be like to climb out of a limousine and be swarmed by fans, cameras and TV reporters who are bigger celebrities than we are. But being realistic people, we know it's not all the great big joyride it appears to be."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "They say Jerry Seinfeld turned down an offer of $5 million an episode to return to NBC. This proves that money wasn't the point, insanity was. Not Seinfeld's for turning it down, but the network's for proposing it."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "You've witnessed the six-legged cow at Prairie Dog Town in Oakley, Kan., the Mystery Spot in Santa Cruz, and the world's largest ball of twine in Darwin, Minn., but when it comes to tourist meccas you can rest easy knowing there will always be a new one around the bend."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Face it, we put ourselves at risk every time we cross the street, light up a cigarette, take a drink, eat anything not made of tofu or rice cakes, allow our skin to see sunlight, or watch a movie that's based on an old TV show. But cartoons? They're supposed to be simple, harmless fun. That's why it was especially upsetting when 700 youngsters in Japan suffered seizures while watching a popular cartoon show called 'Pokemon.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "The next millennium is approaching and it's causing everyone to lose their mind. You'd think people would wait for the big day to arrive before this happens, or at least let it get a bit closer. But no, we live in times where anxiety and anticipation are more important than the event itself."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "People in other countries have a bad attitude when it comes to Americans. For some reason we're pegged as ill-informed, loud, boorish, demanding and arrogant. Right, like we don't have a good reason to be. Let's not forget who it was that came up with the light bulb, the transistor, the computer chip and the Talking Nanny Doll."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It's official now -- the world is one big commercial venture. If you had any doubts about it before, the new James Bond movie, Tomorrow Never Dies, should eliminate them once and for all. Or the ads will, anyway. In case you've been too busy counting the days until El Nino arrives to watch TV, read a magazine, or look at any billboards, Pierce Brosnan, the new 007, is shilling for virtually every product you see in the movie."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It's hard to find someone who likes their boss. Sure, people say they do because they're afraid their phone calls are being monitored, their e-mail is being read, and the guy watching them on the surveillance camera can lip-read, but if you really pin them down -- like by plying them with a free doughnut and a cup of lukewarm coffee -- you'll find out that like everyone else in the world, the only good thing they have to say about their boss is that he or she doesn't suck up all the oxygen in the room. Just most of it."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "I spotted the new year coming from a mile away. The first tip off was the note on my Martha Stewart desk calendar to 'chop down a tree to make paper for next year's calendar.' Then there was the arrival of Christmas -- a pretty strong clue in itself. Next came People magazine's '100 People Whose Movie Studios and Record Companies Bought The Most Advertising So We'd Put Them On Our Cover' issue, which sold briskly in spite of the fact that we all guessed that Leonardo DiCaprio would be number one. But the real clincher was when I blindly stumbled across my first 'Year in Review' article. I don't remember what magazine or newspaper it was in but I'm pretty sure it happened in October."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes: "It's amazing what people can deduce about you without having ever met you. A few years ago I moved into an apartment that had two rope nooses on the wall about six feet off the floor. At the risk of sounding naive, I have to admit that I thought these were primitive macrame flowerpot holders. Silly me."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
Mad Dog writes, "Truth is supposed to be an absolute, like the Earth circles the Sun, matter can neither be created nor destroyed, and anything dropped into a purse immediately migrates to the bottom. But all that's changed. Nowadays the truth is whatever we want it to be ... The answer is simple: make lying acceptable behavior. If we made it socially acceptable to lie it wouldn't be fun anymore, and before long everyone would want to start telling the truth just to rebel."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: deleted
3
