Stories by Mad Dog
The search for intelligent life has shifted into high gear. After quickly eliminating West Virginia, Congress, and whoever decided we need a half-hour re-edited version of Ally McBeal next year to air along with the full-length one, scientists set their sights on the one place they might actually have a fighting chance of discovering intelligence: outer space.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
You don't need me to tell you that things are getting more expensive. All you have to do is look around. Gas prices have jumped again. Movie tickets cost almost as much as the bucket of popcorn you'll eat during the coming attractions. Even a cup of coffee at Starbucks just went up a dime, which makes it ounce for ounce more expensive than beer, soda, or even that gasoline you just agreed cost too much.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Face it, we just don't have time for patience anymore. That's why Christmas merchandise is out before the Halloween costumes are pulled off the shelves and Santa Claus arrives before Veteran's Day. In case you're not sure whether you've lost your patience yet, here's a five question test you can take..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
It doesn't take a genius to see that the presence of a celebrity won't cure the world's ills. When Richard Gere recently visited a refugee camp filled with people who fled the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo, Hataxhe Ajeti, a refugee, saw him and said, "Who is this coming? Oh, a famous actor. Too bad. What I need is a doctor."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"I'm not a sports guy. There, I've said it. You can call me unAmerican, half a man, and Alan Alda if you like, I'm still not going to enter a twelve-step program. Well, not one for sports, anyway."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Defining moments -- every generation has them. Years ago it was the discovery of electricity. A couple of generations later it was the Great Depression, or maybe World War II. Today's generation has the end of Seinfeld, the invasion of Granada, and the release of another Star Wars movie. Now do you understand why I'm worried?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"No one likes to admit that they watch a lot of TV. It's like having the phone ring when you're asleep -- you can be so groggy you don't know what planet you're on but for some reason you absolutely refuse to admit that you were woken up. Don't feel bad. Like drinking orange juice straight from the container it's something we all do."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The big greeting card companies are sending each other condolence cards because they only sold a measly $7.5 billion worth of cards last year. In order to combat a market that appears to be shrinking faster than Pamela Anderson's breasts, the greeting card companies have taken several strategies..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Being a TV weatherperson has got to be the best job in the world. Sure, being an ice cream taster at Ben and Jerry's, the head of human resources for the Acme Porn Flick Company, or Leonardo DiCaprio are also good career choices, but they don't afford you the luxury of screwing up 365 nights in a row while not only keeping your job, but also getting a raise, which means you can buy all the tax-deductible silly ties and hairspray you want. And as a weatherperson you'll want plenty.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's never too soon to start planning your summer vacation, so I've put together a few suggestions which will help you find fun things to do. Tip Number One: don't even think about going camping. If we were supposed to live outdoors in tents God wouldn't have invented Motel 6."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The way current cooking trends are going, the line between ethnic cuisines is blurring faster than an eye chart after a bottle of tequila. America may be the melting pot of the world, but that doesn't mean it's necessary to throw anything that's handy into the double boiler, does it?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's become common for patients to write things like "Yes" and "No" on their bad and good legs, or "Insert scalpel here" on their chest. After all, doctors are busy people, and you can't expect them to remember little details like which brain has the tumor, can you?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It has been discovered -- hold onto your coloring books, kids -- that crayons can cause massive breakouts of political correctness."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Buster Mitchell wants to marry his car. He went to the courthouse and filled out an application listing his fiancee's birthplace as "Detroit," her father as "Henry Ford," and her blood type as "10-W-40." The clerk told him no go."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"Perspective is a good human trait. It means that a lot of things going on these days will look better somewhere down the road. The Viagra craze, Kosovo, and Adam Sandler come to mind."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"It's not surprising that Iowa is in such an uproar over their motto. You see, their motto, well -- it sucks: 'Iowa, You Make Me Smile.' Let me know when you get back from the bathroom so I can continue."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"What do car salesmen talk about when they're together? Oh, tricks of the trade, like how to claim the steering wheel is an 'option' and how to add a Bahamas Vacation Preparation Fee to the invoice without attracting too much attention."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
"The saying, 'The harder you work, the more money you'll make,' is definitely false. Think about Bill Gates. Is he working any harder to earn his current $100 billion than he was for his measly $30 billion?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog: "If you ever find yourself thinking, 'You know, maybe I was wrong. There really isn't much of a difference between men and women,' get yourself invited to both the bachelor party and the bachelorette party. This happened to me and I must admit, it gave me fresh insight into why I'm still single."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
There's nothing like going home to bring out the worst in us. It doesn't matter how many years you've been away, how old you are, or how much you tell yourself you're a grown up, reversion is unavoidable.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "If the Y2K problem sounds like more trouble than it's worth, you can avoid the millennium completely by becoming Chinese or Jewish. Their calendars will be hitting 4697 and 5760, so their computers will work fine."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "While some religions are being dragged kicking and screaming into the new millennium, others are embracing it. There was a photograph in the newspaper recently of an ultra-Orthodox Jew holding his cell phone to the Western Wall..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "As far as I can tell, the only good this virus is doing is to boost the economy by making me buy truckloads of tissues followed by caseloads of trash bags to cart the used tissues away in, thereby assuring that the trashmen have plenty of work."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It used to be simple -- you just ate whatever you wanted. Sure, you might end up overweight, undernourished, or in need of having Roto-Rooter come clean out your arteries, but at least you were happy. Then doctors and scientists got into the act."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "We stereotype people because, well, sometimes it's true. The French, for example, are generally regarded as being rude, arrogant, and smelling bad. It turns out they are."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Las Vegas, which already has the World of Coca-Cola -- whose sole tie to the city is that some people there actually mix the stuff with rum -- may soon be home to Wrestlingland USA's No-Holds-Barred Hotel, Casino and Neck Injury Museum."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It's a time-honored American tradition to anoint a product, usually a toy, to be the Present of the Year. This is a bigger honor than being named Time's Man of the Year."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Certainly Nevada has a lot going for it, like the slot machines which are in every convenience store, gas station, beauty parlor, and mortuary. (Remember the state motto: 'You can never be too poor or too dead to play the slots.') But that's pretty much it."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "And why shouldn't Ventura be governor? After all, wrestling's always been about yelling, screaming, posturing, beating up on your opponents and, if you're a bad guy like he was, fighting dirty, so it's not like he doesn't have the necessary experience."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Here's one item that I'm sure will be finding its way into Christmas stockings everywhere: the Travel Washlet portable bidet. The paperback-novel sized bidets sell for about $180 a crack. I mean, apiece."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "There's little question that we'd all like to say something truly memorable before we go, but few of us get the opportunity."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "The citizens of Irwindale, California have won the right to post a sign declaring it to be 'The Home of the Big Mac Fanatics.' Who could blame them if they did? Good city mottoes are getting hard to come by. Besides, it beats the alternative, 'Named After a Guy Named Irwin.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "It's a normal, healthy thing for human beings to have fantasies. Unless, that is, your fantasies include Rosie O'Donnell naked, AK-47 assault rifles, or group sex using Jell-O, Spam or Chee-tos."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Scientists have discovered a gene in mice that, when missing, causes normally maternal rodents to turn into Joan Crawford. Their next project will be to figure out how mice manage to handle full-size coat hangers without opposable thumbs."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "NCR Corporation, a company that started out making cash registers and now prefers to just hear them ring, recently showed a prototype appliance in London called the Microwave Bank. Calling this an appliance is like calling Sybil a personality."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Keiko the whale's movie career was a short one because he unfortunately found himself typecast as, well, a whale. That made it difficult for him to find parts, being passed up for roles like the iceberg in Titanic, a pig's best friend in Babe 2, and the lead in The Roseanne Story."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "The Republicans claim President Clinton put words in Monica's mouth. The Democrats swear Ken Starr put words in Clinton's mouth. About the only thing everyone can agree on is that Clinton managed to put both his foot and Monica's cigar in his own mouth, neither of which sounds like a particularly tasty treat."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Then there was Benoit Lecomte, the Frenchman who decided to swim across the Atlantic Ocean in search of a decent baguette. And why not try this daunting feat? After all, he once swam 23 hours non-stop in a lake in Texas and the Atlantic is basically a 3,395 mile lake, right?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Jacquelyn Ledgerwood managed to capture 21 percent of the vote in the Oklahoma Democratic Senate primary this past August, despite the fact that she died six weeks before the election. This second place win secured her a slot in the runoff, which means she might yet get to run against Republican incumbent Wes Watkins, who is at a marked disadvantage by being alive."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
Mad Dog writes: "Hawaii is beautiful. Palm trees swaying in the tropical breeze, crystal clear blue water, Mai Tais at sunset, and flattened toads every three feet. On Maui, it turns out, toads have no natural enemies. Well, except cars."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000, Source: AlterNet
2
