Stories by Mad Dog
The Treasury Department seems to have gone completely whacko with their redesign of the $20 and $50 bills.
Posted on May 20, 2003
Raising money is never easy. School groups hold bake sales. Girl Scouts peddle cookies. Heck, even President Bush has to go to Congress and beg for money.
Posted on Mar 31, 2003
Television has become a democratic medium. It used to be we watched, we munched, we flipped the channels, we fell asleep. Now we're a part of it.
Posted on Mar 10, 2003
Remember, the alternative to school is working and that's no fun. If you do well in school you can go to college, then graduate school, postponing work for a long, long time.
Posted on Aug 14, 2001
Steven Spielberg's new movie A.I. has reanimated disucssions of artificial intelligence. Mad Dog ponders the excess of artifical intelligence already at large.
Posted on Jul 10, 2001
There are four stages of maturing, and they're technically known as: Less Fun, Even Less Fun, Cranky, and Death. Like television programming, maturing is a degenerative process with no cure in sight.
Posted on Jan 30, 2001
Since at one time or another we all have to lose, here are a few simple guidelines which hopefully will make you a better loser.
Posted on Jan 2, 2001
"What do women want in a man? If I could answer this with any semblance of certainty I'd be rich, famous, and hated by women everywhere. Yes, hated. They relish the mystique, like keeping us guessing, and the last thing in the world they want is to think that we understand them. Trust me, they have nothing to worry about."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"A Harris Poll found that 38 percent of adults think finding and picking up a penny is good luck, 24 percent believe seven is a lucky number, and 16 percent say they knock on wood for luck. Is it any wonder seven-foot-tall prostitutes with wooden legs named Penny are in such demand?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"A survey done last year found that 80 percent of the young people in this country can't decipher a bus schedule, compute the change they should get back when they buy the new Backstreet Boys CD, or understand that Lara Croft isn't going to the prom with them no matter how many times they ask."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Daniela Tobar, a 21-year-old actress in Santiago, Chile is spending two weeks in an 8-foot by 8-foot glass-enclosed building while people watch her go about her life. It's much like the windows that look into the studio of The Today Show except no one's holding up signs saying Hi to their family in Moose Butt, Minnesota and luckily Al Roker keeps his clothes on."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"The Internet causes brain damage. I'm not sure how, and I'm not sure if it's reversible, but there's no question it's worse than anything a dippy little cell phone could do even if you glued it to your ear for the next four years and listened to Moviefone 24-hours a day."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"The truth is, it doesn't take a genius to see what's in store for the year 2000. There will be more fad diets than you can shake a rice cake at, more tantric sex, and finally, what we've all been waiting for: Macaroni-And-Cheese-On-A-Stick."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"I'm in Detroit -- the Motor freakin' City -- and I can't get a rental car. This is like being in Los Angeles and not being able to see a movie, or discovering that every restaurant in New Orleans is out of gumbo."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Just before Christmas I broke down and bought a cell phone. While this may not sound like a big deal to you, for me it feels like I should be standing in front of a group of people at a 12-step program watching them nod their heads and chant 'Hi, Mad Dog.'"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"In the 10,000 time capsules buried in the past year, people have sealed parking tickets, Furbies, a six-pack of Budweiser, a Glock 9mm automatic (complete with bullets), the script to Eddie Murphy's "Holy Man," and a pair of Super Bowl tickets. Now what will people in the future think about our lives -- that we're drunk outlaws with insipid mechanical pets who watch bad movies and pay big bucks to see grown men get concussions?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Philadelphia has a new claim to fame -- it's been crowned the flabbiest city in the United States. Instead of conjuring up images of the Liberty Bell and Rocky Balboa beating the crap out of a side of beef, from now on the City of Brotherly Love will be thought of as the City of Brotherly Love Handles."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"For years we've been told we are what we eat. I sure hope that's not true since I'd hate to think we're a nation of S'mores cereal, Oreos with orange Halloween filling, and tuna jerky in plain and spicy flavors."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Artificiality may have become a reality of life, but does that mean we have to fill ours with it? We put Sweet 'N Low in our coffee, top it off with coffee whitener, and drool over breasts which have been pumped up with silicone and saline. So it should come as no surprise that doctors at the Impotence World Association are aiming for what may be the ultimate in artificial organs: penises and vaginas."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Online auctions are huge. So huge that maybe we should consider selling more unusual things via online auctions. We could sell our souls (that's right, we could try to get a job with Microsoft). Hell, we could even auction off the presidency. And why not? It wouldn't be far from what happens now."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"I keep expecting to open up the newspaper and read that scientists have discovered the meddling gene. I'm sure if they look hard enough and finally get that genetic roadmap finished they'll find it sitting next to the gossip gene, across the hall from the matchmaking gene, and down the genetic block from the mind-your-own-business gene (which, by the way is turned off in most people)."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"This past weekend I went on my first camping trip in more years than I care to think about and I'm happy to report that I not only survived but had a good time. It might have been the fresh air. It might have been the good company. It could be the lingering effects of the tequila-drenched campfire sing-along. But deep down inside I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that there were bathrooms 50 yards away."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"After the 'Mozart Effect' was discovered, pregnant mothers started putting speakers against their stomachs in the hopes that their unborn children would grow smart at the same time they were growing fingers. Not wanting to be left out, fathers have started strapping headphones to their testicles with a similar prayer: the boosting of their sperm's IQ."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"It's a damned good thing advertising people don't look down during sex or they'd realize that a condom is the perfect place to advertise mutual funds ('Looking for a bigger growth opportunity?'), Pennzoil ('Lower friction for longer-lasting lubrication'), or McDonald's ('Supersize it!')"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"The next time you hear from me I may be the mayor of a city. Or possibly king. The town I'm considering buying is Otis, Oregon. The current owner is asking $2,995,000 for it, which seems pretty reasonable to me..."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
We all make mistakes. After all, as Alexander Pope said, "To err is human," and lord knows if we're nothing else, we're human. Of course he blew the rest because forgiving isn't even close to being divine...
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
It's hard to think that blondes may be going the way of the horse drawn carriage, the passenger pigeon, and families eating dinner together, but it's true. According to a book that just came out, blondes may not make it to the end of the next millennium.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"This year's crop of new TV shows is so groundbreaking that three of them are spin-offs of existing series, two are rip-offs of long-running English TV programs, and one is based on a comic book. Now that's original thinking. Four of the new shows brag that they "break the fourth wall," which is when the characters speak directly into the camera. Pretty revolutionary stuff here. At least it was when George Burns did it in 1950."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Someone, probably the same people who decided it would be a brilliant idea to remake Leave It To Beaver, decided to update the original four food groups into a New Age Food Pyramid. It turns out we're now supposed to be eating daily portions of meat, sweets, bread, milk, cheese, yin, yang and crystal vibrations (which incidentally is no relation to the stripper of the same name)."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Advertisers, if left to their own devices, pretty much act like high school boys bragging on Monday morning. The difference is, with advertising someone actually gets screwed. Unfortunately it's us."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"The new Lonely Planet British Phrase Book says that "In England, there are so many people whose speech is so dependent on the word f***, they're virtually dumbstruck without it." Face it, if the Mother Tongue has turned into the Motherf***ing Tongue, what hope do we have?"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"In their quest to show that they can be the most impatient organization in the country, the Iowa Republican Party went and held their primary straw poll. This is the political event where candidates spend a lot of time and even more money, well, buying votes. It's true. It's legal. And it's really too bad they don't do it in my neighborhood."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
Of all the Deadly Sins -- pride, greed, envy, anger, lust, gluttony, sloth, and wearing white after Labor Day -- only one is named after an animal, and that's sloth. Which came first, the sin or the animal, is a question better left to theologians, etymologists, and other people who spent years getting advanced degrees because they were too slothful to go out and get a job. Our concern today is why "human" isn't another word for laziness.
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Every decade has its identifying label. As the '90s draw to a close, it looks like it's official: these are the Superlative Years, where everything has to be The Biggest! The Best! The Fastest! The Tallest!"
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Aside from the fact that I have nowhere to live next week, house-sitting and subletting definitely has its strong points. If I don't like my neighborhood (or the neighbors) I don't have to worry -- I'll be gone soon. And it gives me the chance to discover things about human beings. Sometimes even things which don't revolt, disgust or amaze me."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
It's hard to feel really safe these days, what with crime on the streets, kids shooting up schools, and "It's Like, You Know..." getting renewed for yet another season. What's a concerned citizen to do?
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"A team of neuroscientists recently went over Einstein's brain with a fine tooth comb, which is more than he ever did with his hair when he was alive. It turns out that his brain is very much like yours and mine -- average weight, and looks like a soggy gray cauliflower that's been sitting on a Las Vegas buffet table way too long -- only it's much, much smarter. Okay, much, much, much, much, much smarter."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Sure it would be nice to check out the daily specials at the doughnut shop before I leave the house in the morning. And yes it would save gobs of time if I logged-on to the DeliCam before going to lunch so I could make sure the roast beef is rare enough. But face it, not all Web sites are this useful."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"It's hard to know what to believe anymore. Krushchev's son applied for American citizenship. Margarine has become a cholesterol-lowering drug. And some people think Dan Quayle would make a good president."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
"Members of Congress have been working hard to become more courteous. The House of Representatives, you may recall, is where Pete Stark called a female colleague a whore and Dick Armey renamed Barney Frank as Barney Fag. True, this is nothing compared to the Taiwanese Parliament, where they've been known to have out and out fistfights, but that's only because Jesse Ventura is a governor and not a member of Congress. So far."
Posted on Apr 26, 2000
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