Stories by Dennis Hans

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David Brinkley's Real Legacy

Posted on Jun 23, 2003, Source: AlterNet

Softball questions and a limited range of views made Brinkley's morning show a predecessor for the facile talkshow hosts who dominate our airwaves today.

A Fake Reporter for a Fake Magazine

Posted on Jun 11, 2003, Source: AlterNet

Stephen Glass was no more fraudulent than the journal he wrote for: the so-called 'liberal New Republic'

Lying Us Into War

Posted on Feb 12, 2003, Source: AlterNet

In his rhetoric on Iraq, George Bush employs elaborate techniques of deceit to promote his agenda.

The White Hawk Club

Posted on Jan 30, 2003, Source: AlterNet

There was no shortage of talking heads to analyse the State of the Union speech. It's a pity that very few of them were minorities or opposed to the war.

Weapons of Teeny Boo-boos

Posted on Feb 19, 2002, Source: AlterNet

In response to "weapons of mass destruction," the Pentagon is creating a new generation of kinder, gentler arms, including Weapons of Modest Destruction and Weapons of Nasty Scratches.

Looking at Reagan through (Charlie) Rose-colored Glasses

Posted on Jun 20, 2001, Source: AlterNet

PBS's coddling of the Gipper is symptomatic of public affairs TV, which pays no heed to the victims of U.S. foreign policy.

Bob Kerrey Reminds Me of My Uncle Sam

Posted on May 15, 2001, Source: AlterNet

We no more owe Vietnam an apology than my own Uncle Sam -- who squatted in and killed for my ancestral home -- owes me one.

"Mr. Bush, PUT UP THIS MONUMENT!"

Posted on Mar 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet

A proposed tribute on the National Mall would help U.S. catch up to rest of world in honoring Reagan.

The Annotated Brian Bosworth

Posted on Mar 20, 2001, Source: AlterNet

Every Monday, Oxford University wordsmith Dennis Hans dissects for XFL fans the obscure cultural and historical references of Brian Bosworth, the delightfully droll UPN color commentator.

Somebody Give Charles Oakley a Doobie

Posted on Mar 13, 2001, Source: AlterNet

Has anyone noticed that the player most exercised about marijuana smoking by NBA players is the one who would most benefit from a pre-game joint?

A Name is a Terrible Thing To Waste

Posted on Mar 6, 2001, Source: AlterNet

One candidate for Father of the Year is making his way in the global family marketplace by selling his name.

Colombian Army Punishes "Bad Apple"

Posted on Feb 27, 2001, Source: AlterNet

In a stirring development, a Colombian military tribunal has punished a "bad apple" whose actions in 1997 and 1998 besmirched the good name of the Colombian armed forces. Colonel Hernán Orozco was sentenced to 38 months in prison for trying to stop local paramilitaries' civilian massacre.

FDA Scrambles Drug Ads

Posted on Feb 19, 2001, Source: AlterNet

This is your brain. This is your brain trying to comprehend the different standards for drug advertisements.

WWF: Looking for Talented Women, Really!

Posted on Nov 14, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Today, fabulous opportunities for girls and women abound, and nowhere more so than in the World Wrestling Federation. Consider Mandy and Victoria, two young actresses who broke into the WWF playing no-name "ho's" in the Godfather's stable...

Obscure Candidate Proud To Be a Swinger

Posted on Oct 17, 2000, Source: AlterNet

One of the 237 independent candidates for president confirmed rumors of his swinging in the following address he delivered at a recent National Press Club gathering.

A New Olympic Event: The DeKathieLee!

Posted on Sep 14, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Conceived by entertainer and clothing mogul Kathie Lee Gifford, the DeKathieLee showcases the speed, dexterity, reflexes and stamina of the young ladies of the developing world who assemble our fashion and athletic apparel. Honduran Lucia Gonzales is favored to win the grueling "Race to the bottom."

Lefthanders Demand Equal Play in Baseball

Posted on Sep 11, 2000, Source: AlterNet

The president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Lefthanders urged President Clinton to go to bat for lefties, who are locked out of second base, shortstop, third base, and catcher by Major League Baseball tradition.

You Go, Bud Girl!

Posted on Aug 11, 2000, Source: AlterNet

The Women's National Basketball Association has broken new ground in Y2K. Players in the men's pro leagues must wait till they retire before doing alcohol ads, but WNBA all-star Lisa Leslie just teamed up with Bud Light to end that tradition, and to overcome a grave social injustice -- the fact that no demographic consumes alcohol LESS than black women.

Mergers & Acquisitions -- Human Division

Posted on Aug 4, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Weeks of speculation and rumor have given way to fact, as Laura Kimberly Finwood confirmed today that she has acquired Dennis Mark Hans. The official merger date is August 26, pending FTC (Father Timothy Carney) approval.

The Budweiser National Pastime

Posted on Jul 6, 2000, Source: AlterNet

"During the 1999 American League Championship Series on Fox Bud and Bud Light seemed to be the focus throughout the game. But the game also featured a 'anti-drug' ad. The audience, knows not to think of any form of alcohol when it hears the word 'drug.' Never mind that this particular audience desperately needs reminding that beer is an addictive drug."

Latest Mega-Merger: CBS and Colombian Government

Posted on Jul 4, 2000, Source: AlterNet

Hot on the heels of its acquisition of Viacom, the Columbia Broadcasting System announced today that it has merged with the government of Colombia.

Can Bud Close the Racial Drinking Gap?

Posted on Jun 23, 2000, Source: TomPaine.com

In a bold effort to close the racial drinking gap, Budweiser has launched a campaign to teach black collegians how to "drink white."

Stop Drugs: Kill Addicts!

Posted on Apr 1, 2000, Source: MotherJones.com

Inspired by increasing US military aid to stamp out drugs in Colombia, Colombian Senator Jose Canusi has made a Modest Proposal to help win the war on drugs -- kill American drug users.
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