If you were part of a flash mob, a blogger or a Halliburton executive, 2003 was an absolute banner year for you. For everyone else, it was 12 months of a steady turd rain.
During the holidays women shower gifts on everyone they come in contact with. Men are more selective. If we're not related to you or having sex with you, chances are you're getting nada.
Doesn't matter that our 401(k) is gutted, we're one swiped stapler from being canned and we're gearing up for yet another freakin' war -- the kiddies will still scramble down the stairs early Christmas morn hoping to find the must-have toy of the season.
Ladies, are you curious about the man you're dating? Do you wonder if he's Mr. Right or Mr. Replaceable? Well, you'll soon find out. All questions will be answered come February 14.
2001 bristled with tragedy. There was heart-biting despair, weepy anguish and everything we cared about seemed lost or damaged. And that's just what happened to the music industry.
Posted on Dec 10, 2001, Source: Las Vegas CityLife
Maintaining proper etiquette at your office holiday party is crucial in these times of economic uncertainty. Use this easy to follow guide to keep your fast track reputation intact.
Enraged by a spate of recent shark attacks in U.S. waters, President Bush announced the national dorsal defense shield to protect Americans from more unprovoked attacks.
Posted on Jun 19, 2001, Source: Las Vegas CityLife
These cons re-entering society today are the elite of the penal system. The graduating class, straight from the hole and right to your heart. If only you'll let them in.
Ever since the election controversy, left-leaning reporters have been licking their chops, waiting for the chance to nail one or both of the Bush daughters.
If mad cow disease is to make this is our final summer of beef-gorging innocence, we might as well kick out the jams. If you own a backyard grill, time to fire up that sumbitch for hamburgers.
If you know me, you know my Elvis lamp. We’ve been together for over two decades. He’s my talisman, my confidant, and yes by God, I’m not ashamed to admit it, my friend.
The Academy Awards ceremony has not been canceled. Repeat, NOT been canceled. It will in fact go on as scheduled even though by every objective standard the year 2000 was a raging canker sore of cinema.
Note to the yowling hordes of the freshly downsized: quit yer bitchin'. You're only being jacked around by a heartless merger-spawned mega-conglomerate. I was ripped off by my very own mother.
Posted on Jan 16, 2001, Source: Las Vegas CityLife
Today’s ultra-modern, ultra-divine wedding should be a grandiose and intricate operation, epic in scope and requiring more precision coordination and split-second timing than the Allied invasion of Normandy on D-Day. It is with this in mind that the Ultimate Wedding Countdown Planner Timetable Checklist is offered.
Families still gather during Thanksgiving, but mostly so they can carpool to the mall. No more guilt-slinging boozy brawls, rehashing the past till all hours of the night. People are now trained to hit the rack right after dinner, so they can make the pre-dawn sales energized and focused on shopping.
Posted on Aug 10, 2000, Source: Las Vegas CityLife
To secure a lasting impression on America, the still-floundering Gore campaign needs to start merchandising. We need Al Gore souvenirs, memorabilia and knick-knacky crap, which is why a series of collectible plates will soon be issued with themes like, "Calling All Dolphins" and "Jesse Helms Ate My Balls."
Posted on Jun 20, 2000, Source: Las Vegas CityLife
There's a new menace on the street that your kids could be getting high on -- rats. "Ratting" is a disturbing, disgusting habit that could have tragic consequences.
"Why do carnivals, no matter how rickety or skank-intensive, continue to pack in crowds year after year? It's the chow, chachi. Plain and simple. The culinary abandon of that greasy grub they peddle on the midway. The kind you can't get at home. Until now."
"Inspired by the real life Erin Brockovich, I am cultivating a sexy, more free-spirited look. Gone is my old uniform of jeans, pull-over sweaters and hiking boots. It's a fashionable new day. I look and feel da bomb. But apparently, there is a serious double standard for men and women when it comes to skin-tight revealing clothing in the workplace."
"Sam Donaldson and Ted Koppel have been passed over by their bosses at ABC News for a one-to-one interview with President Clinton. That plum assignment was instead handed to celluloid hunk, Leonardo DiCaprio."
"Color me curious but, if it's true that all you really needed to know you learned in kindergarten, why don't people walk into restaurants and order a paste and booger fajita?"
"Summer's coming, so Hollywood studios are taking no more chances. Back to the formulaic, the tried and true, the tired and beaten to death, the always commercially viable high-concept project rammed through studio channels in a taut 25-words or less pitch. That means less arty, more farty."
"Old guys are nixing the early bird dinner specials to stay home and impregnate their womenfolk. Teeth in a glass and a bun in the oven, that's a virile badge of honor these days. Larry King, 66, is about to become a pop for the second time in two years. Even before they could exchange "I do's" Michael Douglas, 55, has Catherine Zeta-Jones in a delicate condition. Thin White Duke, David Bowie, 53, will become the Thin White Dad in August. And the list goes on..."
"Executives at Fox have decided to pull the plug, not just on 'Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire,' but on all their reality shows. Which means no more 'When Animals Attack,' 'World's Scariest Police Shootouts,' 'Plastic Surgery Nightmares,' 'World's Scariest Soup Spills,' and 'Picking at Scabs Caught on Tape.' How unspeakably cruel."
