Wrestling isn't a sport. Wrestling is a haphazardly created soap opera with folding chairs and fire extinguishers. At least soap operas have diamonds and glitz. Compared to soaps, wrestling is a cubic zirconia.
As absurd as it may seem, I'm here to tell you that black rimmed glasses can and do hide one's secret identity. When Clark Kent takes off his black rimmed glasses, he becomes Superman. Until I take mine off, you'll never guess who I am.
Last Valentine's Day I learned a lot by being a flower delivery boy. Things like "flower math." For instance, if you shut the car door on a dozen red roses, you are left with nine red roses. And toothpicks inserted into a stem can repair two out of three broken flowers.
It's been nearly 16 years since graduating from high school (class of 85 rulz!). And what a sweet 16 years it has been. The acne has cleared up and the facial scarring is barely noticeable.
Climbing into my grandmother's Oldsmobile was like adding 42 years of driving skills to my 33-year-old body. An Oldsmobile is, as it is appropriately named, an old person's car. It turned me into a 75-year-old man driving 45 mph in the fast lane of the interstate with my left turn blinker flashing the entire way.
When I ate at a vegetarian restaurant and discovered that vegetables could actually be the main entree and not just a side dish to meat, I was surprised. But now I'm confused. Am I now bi-culinary curious?
"Wendover, Nevada is a gambling town. It's a truck stop town. If you have 16 wheels and need 20 acres to turn your rig around, Wendover is the place. To call Wendover the armpit of Nevada would be cliche, and an insult to armpits everywhere. But here's a secret -- Minnie Driver vacations in Wendover."
"Growing up I had a best friend with multiple personalities: CBS, NBC, and ABC. Four if you counted PBS. At fourteen I called the Coast Guard and told them they needed to find an uncharted desert isle where seven stranded castaways were living without a boat, a plane, a motor car, or a single luxury."
"Money is being made, and earned, and saved. But not by me. I keep my money safe by spending every penny I earn. Jesus Saves. I don't. Yesterday, I felt like I was one step away from standing on a highway exit ramp with a sign that said, 'My Dad is a Veteran. Give Me Money.' And that's when I came up with The Plan."
"I wanted to be a Health Inspector for one day. I wanted to go on restaurant raids shouting words to line cooks like 'Health Inspection. Drop your ladles. And put your hands where I can see them.' I wanted to look for pathogens at Parisian restaurants. I wanted to find mice in tiramisu, or at the very least say, 'There's a fly in my soup.'"
"The year was 1982. I was in the 8th grade. And Donny Osmond -- the Donny Osmond -- beat me in a Donkey Kong doubles game. Now it's 2000 and I want a rematch."
"I am fat. Lardo. El Gargantuan. And I want to be the role model for fat people. Rosie O'Donnell has the 'happy jolly' fat market cornered. Orson Wells, Chris Farley, and John Candy have the 'dead' fat guy thing down. What about the rest of us who just want to I revel in our rolls of fat and cater to our craters of cellulite."
