8 Most Disgusting 'Foods' Fed to Children
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com/Barry Blackburn
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It's a well-known fact that kids will cheerfully eat stuff a starving hyena won't go anywhere near. This got me thinking: what sort of goofy, ridiculous shit did we eat as children that probably should be banned by the Geneva Convention?
Let's just say the most difficult part of writing this was trimming this down to eight entries.
(1) Fruit by the Foot — When people want to rip on Millennials, they tend to start with stupid shit like how we got trophies just for participating in sports. Really, though? I think you can trace anything wrong with us back to the fact that our parents fed us edible fucking flypaper. There's really no other way to describe Fruit by the Foot, which looks and tastes like something out of a Franz Kafka novel. If we're fucked up, Baby Boomers (spoiler: we aren't, you're just full of shit), it's because you fed us cherry-flavored industrial adhesive marketed as food.
(2) Capri Sun — Before I wrote this, all I could really focus on about Capri Sun was that it was mildly fruity-tasting dishwater in a plastic pouch whose straws never fucking worked for shit (I am to this day convinced that there is a level of hell where you are forced to attempt to insert Capri Sun straws into pouches for all eternity). Fortunately, alert Kinja user Smithwellette pointed out that apparently, it's common for Capri Sun to become filled with mold and actually ferment. There's also this Facebook page, dedicated to weird shit found inside Capri Suns (and if I found the header image for that page in something I planned to drink, I would immediately contact an exorcist). So it's not just largely-flavorless fruit fluid — it's largely-flavorless fruit fluid that might have something from Aliens living inside of it.
(3) Giant Pixy Stix — I would've thought these things were an SNL sketch if I hadn't seen them with my own eyes (and eaten dozens of them). You know how regular Pixy Stix are a brief but potent shot of flavored sugar? Giant Pixy Stix are basically that, only add what tastes like battery acid and make it a hellish experience that never fucking ends. I mean, the goddamn things are like a foot and a half long and the diameter of a roll of quarters, so eating one should be an Olympic event (it'd be more interesting to watch than fucking Speed Walking), for which the winner would receive no medal — only piteous, disapproving stares.
(4) Warheads — There has never been a more aptly-named foodstuff in human history, and I don't mean that in a good way. I'm reasonably sure these started out as a sadistically inventive torture device. Eating a warhead tastes like licking the fusion of a lemon and a box of dish detergent, only with (I imagine) a worse aftertaste. It would be interesting to see at what point Warheads actually went bad, although I suspect that unlike Twinkies, they really never do expire. Warheads will outlive us all. And probably kill some of us. But don't take my word for it, just ask theseguys.
(5) Gushers — To start with, that's the grossest-sounding name for a food I've ever fucking heard. Who hears that name and thinks, "mmm, delicious"? And then somehow, the taste manages to be even more disgusting than the name — just a diabetic miasma of high fructose corn syrup and malevolence. The texture is even worse, like something that's been living in the back of the Easter Bunny's sock drawer for the past decade. I've had nightmares about ever being forced to eat another Gusher.