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5 Bizarre Sex Products Designed to Make You Feel Shame About Your Body

Bet you didn't think you needed semen pills.
 
 
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1. Intimate wipes

When I shared news that a promotional sample of Playtex's fresh + sexy "before & after intimate wipes" had shown up at the office this week, it caused a friend to quip, “What, no during wipes?” I shared her general skepticism about intimate hygiene products, given their tendency to fuel body shame, but tried to keep an open mind -- hey, if it makes people feel more comfortable in their sex lives, go for it! But then I saw the product's  print ads, one of which features the winking line, "A clean beaver always finds more wood."

 

2. Blow job strips

Masque claims to be "the first and only product proven to completely conceal the taste of semen." You put one of the flavored strips on your tongue and get to it. If it makes oral sex more enjoyable for some folks, that is indeed a noble achievement -- but given the overabundance of products concerned with correcting how we taste down there, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

 

3. Semen pills

Speaking of anxiety about how we taste down there, let's turn our attention to products promising to make your ejaculate taste like various delectable fruits. Adding to the din are pills claiming to increase semen volume so that you can  "finish like a porn star." Let's review: Your ejaculate tastes gross, but also, you don't have enough of it.

 

4. Butt bleach

Yep, this is a thing that exists in the world.

 

5. Re-virginizing creams

TighTenz dubs its suppositories the "fastest and easiest way to tighten the vagina." Then there's the Like a Virgin cream, which claims to make "the vaginal walls contract for up to 24 hours, so you feel tighter to him and he feels larger to you." Of course, if you're really trying to fake virginity, there's always the  Artificial Virginity Hymen.

 

Tracy Clark-Flory is a staff writer at Salon. Follow@tracyclarkflory on Twitter.

 
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